Is this just par for the course or trouble brewing?

[8rubberduckies]

My dc1 is 3.5, and is a good-natured, kind boy, except I am getting concerned that he is showing signs of being very materialistic. I try to live life without spending too much money on unecessary "stuff", but for one reason or another we have ended up with a house full of -plastic tat lovingly bought gifts, and my ds is getting really demanding.

We don't have much money, and my Mum is well off and enjoys spending money on our kids. As we can't afford to get them much I have never complained, but I have had to ask her to stop. Ds has started getting sulky if she doesn't have a present whenever she comes around (she lives locally so this is once a week or so), and at every opportunity harangues us for toys. He collects Disney Pixar Cars stuff and they are not cheap! We are making him save pennies and work for them, but he just can't seem to grasp the concept yet.

Coupled with the fact that both mine and Dp's parents have divorced and remarried, so ds and dd have 4 sets of grandparents, as well as 6 uncles and aunties, they get an unbelievable amount of crap every birthday and christmas. We have asked people to give them money and a small token gift, but this mostly falls on deaf ears.

It all came to a head last week when we went to a local museum and I would not buy him anything from the gift shop, as I had told him he could have £5 to spend at the start of the week as it was half term, and he chose to spend it all on a car on the Monday afternoon. About half an hour after we left the shop I found a toy train in his rucksack. I told him off and made him take it back and say sorry and explained why stealing was bad. It wasn't the fact that he stole that is the problem, as he is only 3.5 hopefully he won't do it again now he knows it is wrong, but his reasoning behind what he did. He told me that he took it because he "needed" it, because although he has a boxful of trains at home he "does not have enough toy trains". It makes me feel so sad to hear him say that.

Are all children like this at his age or is he showing signs of being spoilt? Am I being a bit hard on him as he is so young? I try to get him to save money, buy him experiences, such as a trip to the zoo, with birthday money, and try my hardest to live by example (although DP isn't so good at not wasting money), but I am not sure what else I can do to halt my dc's slide into consumerist hell .

I think all children are big on instant gratification and it's easy to spoil them :) It's our job to educate them how to value things, appreciate money and not take too much for granted. Means saying 'no', 'put it back' & 'we can't afford it' a lot, even if you can afford it, and making them wait. Means not buying random gifts but keeping them for special occasions or rewards only. Later you can give them pocket money and get them to think about budgeting (which you tried with your half-term £5 but I suspect it didn't mean much to a child that hasn't got to grips with numbers yet). There's also a point where you can sort through old toys and get them to agree to give them to children who don't have any via the charity shop .... help them appreciate that others are less fortunate.

Yours sounds fine. Mine also managed to lift a small wooden car from IKEA (which was discovered too late to return) My friend's little girl used to sit there with the Argos catalogue pointing and saying 'I want that, I've got that, I want that'..... knowing she'd get the things she wanted. I call that a problem.

Can you do fun things that don't involve material items? Or can treats be, say, a trip to the park or baking cakes etc instead of getting a car?

Thanks for your input - cogito what you say is so true, I am trying to put a halt to the random gifts, but it is tough when family members won't listen, although my DP has stopped dong this out of necessity as we are short of money due to me being on maternity leave. The charity shop idea is a good one though.

Iggly I try to do something 3-4 times a week like the park or baking, as I am home with both children (dd is a baby and I am on maternity leave), but it is a struggle to find things to do which truly do not cost anything when we live in a big city. DS has a meltdown if we don't go to the cafe in the local park and buy something even if we have a stack of snacks in my change bag. I don't know what I've done wrong sometimes when he demands and demands constantly, although I know logically I have done my best and don't give in all the time!

doing not dong!!!

I think what happened in the gift shop is par for the course for a 3.5 year old. In this they are super advanced they will not get that something now means that you can't have something later. It has to be up to us to decide on a rule (i.e. no treats in supermarkets or in museums or no treats in supermarkets but something small in the gift shop). They are too small to understand delayed gratification but not to small to understand about rules.
for comparison, i started giving my ds pocket money when he was around 5 but he only really got the idea of saving up etc when he was closer to 6

I think you need to hold off on the money and saving aspect of things until he is much older, as it takes along time for them to understand how money works. I spent almost a day consoling a 3yo DS1 when I once had to swap five pounds coins Grandma had given him for a five pound note, he was convinced I stolen his money!
Can you be really firm with family over the gifts, they obviously care for your son so should be onside if you explain your concern. You should definatley not tolerate his sulkiness over lack of gifts though.
My DC have many relations too and a lot of birthday and Christmas presents get discretely put away for later in the year to avoid toy overload.
I think as far as the pestering goes he is just pushing his luck, and testing you.

I think also it's down to individual personality. DS loves Stuff and buying Stuff and gets very attached to Stuff. He's always been that way. He isn't mean and loves buying things for other people, but he is materialistic and a marketing department's dream child, and it's something we're constantly having to work on. DD1 has been raised more or less the same way with similar amounts of Stuff but isn't bothered about it at all.

Thanks all, I think we are going to ease up on the money lessons until he is older and concentrate on helping him understand how lucky he is to have lovely things!

I think at the moment family are the biggest problem. Aside from birthdays (it's only once a year so what the hell). He does not need presents every visit. If grandparaents don't listen and continue to insist that it is for their house... once they start to see the amount of tat building in their own home it may help curb their shopping habits.

tbh I don't think you are starting to earlier I think that the expectation of gifts needs to be broken, as for the concept of money maybe leave having his own money for a while (all shiney coins are the same..) but do talk generally about what you can and can't afford and maybe how you're saving up together as a family to have a treat. I don't think it's ever to early to introduce the concepts.

I love the fact that you are concerned about it, it shows what a good mum you are and the fact that you want your child not to grow up being materialistic and money grabbing like society in general.

However, please don't worry at this age, he's so young but yes it's never too young to start teaching. You are so right to teach him money doesn't grow on trees. I have a joke with my DS (12) and DD (10) that I do not have a money tree in the garden as they seem to think! Mine were much the same but are getting to an age now where they appreciate that you have to work hard to earn money, not everyone has the same amount ( your child would not understand this yet) and they cannot have everything as soon as they ask.

As they get older it's definately good to get them to do chores, no matter how small, to earn some pocket money - but hey, there's nothing wrong with 'treating' them too sometimes, that way they get a balance. So, don't worry, it doesn't sound at all like you spoil him.

Thanks senses, I'm pretty sure I'm not spoiling him but I worry about those around me. Doris, you'll be happy to hear that my Mum has not bought anyhting for him the last two times she has seen him, so maybe we're getting somewhere .

I think most children go through teh "I neeeeeeed it noooooow" stage. and they do have to learn at some point that money spent is gone and can't be respent a day later.

For my DS this learning really stated at about 3.5 , we clamped down on "lollys from the shop" & gave him pocket money ( enough to buy 2 lollys a week) and once that money was spent no more lollys. He had a few screaming tantrums over lollys, pinched one , once, I tore a stip off him and we returned it, never happened again. He is now about to turn 6, has worked out recently that he could afford a few packs of moshi cards but not the album, so he bought a few packs till his piggy bank money ran out and hasn't made a fuss since. He likes spending money when he has it, but now accepts that once gone its gone.

He still gets pocket money - up to 15 p a week or 20p if he's been VERY helpfull. Seldom buys lollys or other sweets ( he hordes sweets he is given at christmas etc and eeks them out for weeks) but is partial to moshi cards and cheap plastic tat so can seldom manage to save up for anything bigger.