people pleasers - how do you grow some balls?

[nomdeplumb]

I am fed up with doing things people ask me to RE my child and then being angry with myself for not saying no.

Latest 'thing'... crying baby (just over a year) not wanting to be held by family member who unfortnately doesn't know him well but wants a photo of him on their knee. He not having any of it, really upset. Family member tells me to go to the kitchen where he can't see me. I do it (WTF) while mumbling under my breath that it's just going to make things worse. Baby gets more distressed while I hide in the kitchen feeling helpless.

no harm done in the long run but no picture taken, me feeling crap...

Similar thing happened when baby was 4/5 months and another family member refused to hand the baby back to me when I requested. someone else actually had to step in and wrestle him off her.

I feel like I so don't want to rock the boat that I will leave my child in distress rather than acting like the 40something year old I actually am and taking control.

gah.

Jeez nom, sounds more like the people you have been surrounding yourself with need to change their ways rather than you yours!

You will probably find as your dc gets older you will become less tolerant of that sort of shit, besides, your dc will most likely just say 'don't want to/no/don't like it' and walk off as s/he gets a bit older.

You sound lovely, kind and gentle. Dunno if I'd want to change too much. I'm a bit like you though and will watch with interest 'til someone with more balls a more helpful plan comes along!!

Poor you, this sounds horrible for you and your dc. I can be a bit like this and hate myself afterwards. But if its only happened twice I'm sure there is no harm done to your dc.

Would using humour help, to avoid feeling like you are starting an argument. Jokingly ask if they want to come over and hold the baby at 3am if they are so keen or some such (while stepping over and grabbing the baby under the arms so they have to let go).

Do you have a partner, could you have some sort of code word / eyebrow waggle that means return the child to me please.

Who wants a photo with a crying baby anyway? And sending you into the kitchen as if its your fault rather than theirs...

tbh, you just have to get nasty with these people. They won't take a blind bit of notice until you say - loudly - "This is MY child. I have asked you and now I am telling you. HAND. HIM. BACK. NOW"

I sort of agree with Hectate. I have a similar problem with my "stepdad" (mum's boyfriend). He upset DD (3) then says to her "come and sit with grandad for a cuddle" I had to step in and say "NO, bring her here!"

Some people are difficult to deal with. I used to just let him get away with things (he is bossy) but now I'm trying to take control!

I suggest you deal with it now. I am an ex people pleaser and let it get to the stage where I had been doing it until my eldest was 5. I let one particular person take the piss out of me/abuse my good nature for a long time and eventually it wore me down and I could not take it any more. Now I have gone the other way - I don't please people at all - they can take a running jump if they think they are going to tell me what to do in my own home. It does mean being "rude", but sometimes this is necessary - people who take the piss deserve it anyway.

You should have said "No, my baby is crying because he wants to have a cuddle with me" and taken him/her.

thanks. It's not something that happens regularly because we don't see them a lot. I am just pissed off with myself for being so meek. I feel like I have let him down by allowing them to send me off to the kitchen. generally they are ok, just bossy and I am meek.

we had a situation like that when my ds was 2. My mums lifelong pen friend was over from sweeden and was visiting my parents. She was making such a fuss over ds but he had never met her before and didn't want to go anywhere near her. The penfriend says to her husband 'I can't understand why he doesn't like me.' I said well to him you're a stranger and she went mad saying she's known my mother for years etc! I just bit my tongue but really felt like saying well my ds hasn't known you for years, infact this is the first time he's laid eyes on you!!!

Fellow people pleaser here, but I've got a lot better in recent years. It's hard when you're meek to say a blunt 'no' and if you're not confident in it will lose some impact... Sometimes I find it easier to keep smiley and just say something like 'it always takes him a while to get used to new people, let him just watch you for a while or play with you and then he might be happy to sit with you later/next time'. And get them involved in rolling a ball to the baby/playing with his toys with him instead - at 1 year old they can't expect him to take to them without a bit of relationship-building first.

Answer to your question is 'get older'... The older I get the ballsier I become. Don't care so much what anyone else thinks about me. Won't go out of my way to hurt other people's feelings but not particularly bothered if others don't like what I say. The priorities are that I'm #1 in my world now, DS is#2, parents are #3 .... everyone else can whistle. :)

I am 40 cough - I AM older :(
I just need to grow a pair.
relative thinks it's because we don't skype enough.
does skyping help smaller children recognise people more?

Maybe, in your case, instead of growing balls you just need to relax a little more? Heart's always in mouth when someone's holding the baby and it starts crying. Usually they get handed back in short order, but it really isn't going to hurt them to stay put for a few more minutes.

I guess what I was not able to relax about was being told to go to the kitchen and then how shit I felt about myself for trotting off and doing as i was told rather than saying 'actually I know that's going to make things worse'.

Even my DH said he was shocked that someone had suggested that, no one told him to go into the kitchen.

I have felt just like this too! I've started doing a bit of reading about how to be more assertive- it's been surprisingly helpful- i think it's worth reading about the differences between assertive, passive and aggressive communication. For me I feel It's already helping me be bit more clear and honest( and saying no sometimes) without feeling bad about it.