Cannot parent, just want to give up.

[ProfCoxWouldGetIt]

DP is the SAHP, and I work very long days in the city to support the family.

I've had this last week off so I could spend some time with DD (2.4) and give DP a break, and he went away with the boys and left DD and I for a couple of days.

Well all hell has broken lose, I just cannot parent, I cannot get DD to eat, nap, sleep, play or anything. I found myself yelling at her (only once or twice, I just cracked but I know DP has never done) and I just cannot cope with the constant moaning/crying/screaming. I wanted to hit her the other day because she just screamed for 2 hours solid, and I couldnt understand what she was trying to say.

I just don't know what to do, i feel like a complete let down as a mother, and wonder if they'd be better if I just left and paid support so they could get on with life without me, it surely has to be better than this.

Sorry if this is a bit rambley I just feel so miserable and have been crying myself to sleep.

Just to add, I love them both imensely, I just feel completely useless.

And because I work, when we do have get togethers with other mums, I don't know any of them and feel like I stick out, and as they are all SAHP I have nothing to talk to them about.

Terrified to discuss this with friends in RL, because I don't want to admit how bad I am at this

Ahhhhh - don't feel like that. of course you are a little out of touch with the minute-by-minute needs and wants of your dcs when you are away for long periods of time, unavoidable really given your dp is main carer. It was perhaps a little unrealistic for your dp (and you) who holds all the cards in that department to drop you in at deep end and and expect you to swim. You simply aren't used to spending this amount of time with them while they scream

because you are the mother it was assumed you would be fine, but if the roles were reversed you would probably have given some thought about the hand-over to the working father, who might need a hand bonding/getting to know minutae of dc foibles, when you the all consuming mother have had the pleasure and joy of your dc all to yourself. hmm

Give yourself a break - you're experiencing a clash between the reality of your family set-up and your in-built unconscious preconceptions of motherhood.

It's a long stride from seeing your kids for limited periods of time and often as whole family when you do to sole intensive care. It's a steep learning curve and the way you are is not the same as your dp so not only are you in at deep end but your dc will have anticipated things to be same but not - even down to the way you spoon feed can be very different and the dc will therefore respond differently.

Fwiw I am the main carer but still sometimes have to quell feelings of violence when screaming all gets a bit much. You didn't hit her did you!

Confide in your DP - he sounds very caring and come up with a plan to get you and your kids more in tune with each other before you next try to go it alone for an extended period. You love them, they love oyu, but they're small and you are away a lot, so it affects the nittygritty of life. Doesn't mean they don't want you though. I bet a lot of working dads feel like this but as not the mother don't have the same crisis but just end up relying on the mum and being all clueless when it comes to the childcare. It will improve as they get older too.

make yourself a brew and remind yourself the kids are lucky to have a parent who loves and provides for them. Your DP won't judge you - he knows how hard it is to keep cool in that situ, has probably been close to snapping a million times and only hasn't cos he is a god is used to it and has different expectations i.e not for it to be perfect. :)

good luck

Thanks Gin, I really appreciate you coming back on this, brew had, an hour on my own (DP was back this afternoon, so looked after DD) and it doesn't seem quite as bleak as it did before lunch.

I'm glad to know other people find the screaming a bit much, I often feel like I'm surrounded by a bunch of perfect mums who never raise their voice to their DC's , or even get flustered.

Thanks again, and I like your idea of a handover, I'll definitely try that next time.

oh god of course we all yell. I yelled something really awful at my 9m old today when she bashed into the backs of my legs with the walker again but it really fucking hurt. DS is 2.5 and is usually fab but yes, have also lost it with him at least once this week (half term so 24/7 with them, not at work p/t). It is hard when you are not there and as others have said, its usually the dads and its therefore more understood that if they're left for the day they get a complete numpty's guide to their child. please go easy on yourself and have a

Your dp has NEVER yelled at the children? really? you sure about that?

Well, tbh it is not easy being married to the perfect parent then.

Tell us something that went well today. Anything, the most tiny thing. Oh yes, you wanted to hit her but you didn't! You wanted to run away, leave, etc but you didn't!

the only problem is that you think other parents don't feel this. Do you spend much time on the boards here??

I had a day like this when my DD was about 2. I had been used to working full time with DD in nursery and we moved to a foreign country in a remote location where I knew no-one and everyone else ( or so it seemed to me) was the perfect mother- I couldnt deal with the crying, lack of concentration,mess etc etc and had a complete melt down for 2 days and felt just as you describe. But I learnt to lower expectations on a lot of fronts, concentrate on her and eventually we settled into a pattern- she had to learn to deal with me too. Don't be hard on yourself- you love them to bits and they know that. Plus kids do have some days when they are the model kids and other days when for no apparent reason they turn into demons and you want to lock them in the cellar!!! Good luck and don't judge yourself harshly.

It's a very different dynamic if you're the main SAHM parent to the one who usually works and then takes a week off!

We all have bad days/weeks with your dc, especially the toddler phase with communication issues.

We all have days like that!

DH looked at me like I was evil today when I said I don't like playing with DS. Well, I don't! I hate it! Ugh.

Everyone yells occasionally, or has crap days, or sends their kid to his room and swigs wine while calling their best friend in tears at 10 a.m. and saying "I can't do this, I can't!" Right?!

Hey, give yourself a break!

It's not called the "terrible twos" for nothing.....!

Hey, I bet even Brian Cox yells at his little boy (after he's explained how the moon causes the tides or something)! What does that song say, 'we're all in this together' they didn't say it's the hardest job in the world for nothing. I bet you're a great mum, you work hard for your family that counts for something. Consider if you were a SAHM and suddenly you went out to work for a week in your job or anything, you would find it bloomin' tough because you are not used to it. Right?

I've had a crap week and felt like this, cried a lot, Jeez, a shopping trip for trainer this morning turned into WW3 and I felt like just walking far far away.
Take care, I'm sure it won't always be like this, thinking of you. Hugs etc

Thank you all so much, it's so good to feel "normal" and not like some horrible demon mother because I couldn't cope.

DP is far from perfect, but he is so laid back and chilled out that if DD starts having a melt down he can just ignore it, and to be honest most of the time DD is a great well behaved kid, which is probably why this last week has been such a shock to me too.

Have confessed to DP about shouting at DD, and although he was a bit shocked, has been great and let me just get on with my own stuff this afternoon, and have a break and said we'll find a way to make things easier next time.

I do spend a fair bit of time on MN, but haven't spent a lot of time on the parenting forum, and I think I need to make the effort to come on here more often and get a touch of what the rest of the human race is like, not just the super mums in my village.

is open and shall be enjoyed once DD is in bed, thank you all so very much, you really have saved my sanity

Glad to hear it Prof, and glad someone has still got their sanity, lost mine long time ago!

I was friends with a daughter of a supermum when I was a child. Everyone at our church thought she was amazing and her daughters were so talented (musical) and always well behaved/turned out etc.

Discovered later in life she frequently slapped and pinched them and all was not well in their house!

So, don't judge your insides by everyone elses outsides - they all have moments of turmoil, but no-one shows it cos we're all busy keeping up appearances and trying to keep up. A dose of "well that was a shit day" occasionally would help everyone - even kids need to learn to take the rough with the smooth.... though not the potty mouth to go with tho of course!!!

If you want a really good laugh and to feel normal again check this thread out...

Thank goodness it's not just me

I love that link GinPalace - I've been watching it/reading it at intervals to keep me sane when I've been feeling a little shitty and giving myself a hard time. My best friend said to me just the other day (ref her DD 2.4) "she's started to get a right on my nerves, she never shuts up and says the same thing over and over and over and over again!!" Can't wait for this stage with my gorgeous sleep refuser DS(6.5 MO)!!!!!!!

Forced hahaha - oh yes, parenting is light and dark isn't it! I love it, love my son and am soooo glad I became a mum - but there are moments when we unravel round the edges - life.

I'm a Sahm and feel like you do alot of the time!
I think you just had an intense amount of time spent with her.
There is no way I can spend days and nights with dc without my Dh.