OH not enjoying/coping with our first baby

[empirepenguin]

First I should say that I have no doubt that my husband loves our 6 week old DS, but he has spoken to me about how he feels like he's not enjoying life just now due to pressures of having a new baby. He feels he can't console or settle DS (who is breastfed & does seem to settle more easily with me) & says he just doesn't understand babies.

I can see that he's trying really hard to bond with our baby & I really feel for him as I can see that he's struggling. He enjoys doing some nappies, burping, baths & cuddles but he just cannot handle the crying. I think our relationship has really taken a back seat over past few months too & we both really miss the intimacy we used to share (have time & energy for). I should also probably mention that his own dad left them when he was very young & there are some really difficult feelings around that for him just now.

I feel I have contributed to his state of mind as I resented his freedom & independence for a while when pregnant & now whilst breastfeeding, which added to him feeling alone & rubbish.

I dearly love my OH & its so difficult to see him this way. I know he feels guilty & like a bad parent just now. Any words of advice or similar experiences??? Thanks!

I can share a little of my experience, I have a 7 week old DS. I've found it difficult to share parenting as I'd hoped while BF. I did express for a while but DS is not keen to drink from bottles so not a nice activity for DH and DS as I'd hoped. My father-in-law left DH when he was a few months old but DH seems to be bonding OK, if a little distant at times. DH was keen to settle baby but recently I have just continuously told DH how much I and the baby need him. Sometimes I hand DS to DH when fed, changed and burped so he does not get stuck with DS in an inconsolable state only and DS has started falling asleep on his tummy which I've not been able to offer post CS, so that is their special father and son thing. I think little things like that have helped us. I'm sure you will get some fantastic advice coming your way soon. Sorry I can't help more. Keep posting.

I am wondering where the term 'enjoying' comes into it all.

It's not about whether he enjoys burping, bathing, changing nappies, etc., or conversely how much a baby's crying bothers the DH. It's about doing your best to take care of the baby's needs and helping the mother not get worn out trying to do everything around the house, maybe reading a baby book or two and understanding that babies don't cry to make parents feel bad and they don't stop to make parents feel good -- in other words, in the relationship with the baby it's best not to take crying personally or expect the baby to provide you with endless hours of entertainment, whether your father left your family or not. A baby is not a toy and a baby should not have the responsibility of helping an adult feel good about himself, or the blame for making an adult feel he is rubbish/alone, and nor should a new mother who already has enough on her plate.

Feeling alone and rubbish may really have something to do with how he felt when his father abandoned him and his mother. This is how a small child might feel in those circumstances. A man who has just become a father and who feels alone and rubbish as a result either isn't tired enough from making life easier for the mother or is feeling a bit left out -- either way he needs to adjust faster and better to the new reality and stop the drama. He shouldn't be making you feel you are somehow to blame for his feelings here.

I don't know if this is fantastic advice, but I would focus my conversations with the H on how he felt when his father left when he starts saying how rubbish/alone he is. I would also give him plenty to keep him busy, appreciate everything he does for you and the baby and actively resist the guilt trip I think he is trying to lay on you. Sometimes a baby's arrival triggers strong emotions associated with the new parents' own parents or childhood -- nothing whatsoever to do with you if it's your H's childhood or parents that are now haunting him.

It is hard at first, when all they seem to want is breast. Some good advice above. He might also find Dunstan baby language helpful to understand what baby needs from him see here and here.

They say a man only truly becomes a man when he becomes a father, it is not about enjoying every minute, I doubt you enjoy waking frequently in the night, sore breasts, poomageddon nappies, but you do it because you are a mum now and your little baby needs you to be an adult and make him feel safe, loved and nutured. He needs to start realising that his needs are not the most important thing in your life or his right now, his child's needs are.

A lot of men (and women actually) find this very early stage hard work, off putting and frankly, quite dull. The baby gives little back and is just a "job" that has to be attended to. As they become more responsive and develop personalities it is easier to start to feel some kind of "bond". As dads can't breastfeed and that is 90% of what you need to do int he early days, it is even harder for them and all they can really see is the disturbed nights, the colicky screaming usually just about the time they walk in the door and a post-birth hormonal mother who may frequently be in tears / at a loss / feeling very confused. He may be wondering where his wife has gone and when she'll be returning. Ok, so suggestions:
Can you express milk so that he can give a bottle? In my experience of 2 DCs who were mix fed from birth, this does no harm, they weren't confused by nipple /teat and it allowed DP to feed and take a part in the night wake-ups.
If your baby is colicky, ask for help from the HV (contrary to popular opinion on here they can be great) and we found it helped to take "shifts" of about ten mins each, and try to remember she's crying because she is in pain - there were times I wanted to scream at DD to just shut the f up (and may even have done it once or twice) but it will pass soon I promise.
As far as your relationship goes - of course it will take a back seat for the time being but as long as you acknowledge it it will be ok. DP and I are intimate far far less frequently now because we are just too knackered but when we do its great and we both take the time to say that we would in theory like too, just can't. - I find this particularly reassuring after 2 CSs I don't exactly feel like I am in great shape!
Overall, you just need to keep in mind that this IS a huge adjustment and it will take time - and its not a one off thing, each stage brings its own challenges and changes but you'll both get there. You have a beautiful shiny new baby (congrats) so please try to relax and enjoy it. stay on here - it really helps!

Early days are just a work farm.

Supporting you practically and emotionally, the odd on-the-tummy sleep or walk to the shops & he's doing great.

IME dads often contribute to helping mum and baby get back out into the world. I would have stayed in for months without DH - but he was very good at supporting me at taking my first outings and visits with baby.

With both myself and dh it was a massive shock to suddenly realise how relentless the first months are. Neither of us bonded quickly or easily but took a "fake it till you feel it" approach and it really helped to talk to each other, things changed entirely once dd1 started her own personality, we had in jokes about little quirks she had and just shared what we could. Love didn't turn on like a tap - but after the 4-6 month mark a complete turnaround for us

I didn't enjoy those weeks either. They aren't particularly enjoyable. Babies cry a lot.

But like mathanxiety says, he shouldn't be making you feel guilty that he is having a hard time. It is hard. But it gets better

I think 6 weeks was the hardest time for us, you have my sympathies. Your story sounds so familiar...
My DH was expecting hard work and just got on with it at first as a duty, but admits he didn't feel "bonded" with DD until at least 3 months after the birth when DD interacted more with him (and generally became a bit more interesting) rather than just placing demands and complaining! I remember he felt guilty and freakish about that at the time as every tv programme father or new dad he seemed to meet was weeping with joy at their new bundle.

DD's now 9 months... he is besotted and she's a real daddy's girl as she looks out and cries for him, grins and laughs for him. I'm still 'comforter', but now she's more active she loves rough and tumble play which is dad's speciality. I admit I'm quite jealous as times as she tramples over me trying to cuddle her to get a better view of daddy hiding behind the sofa! I'm sure it will be similar for you.

Cautionary tale on the intimacy issue - we were so eager to make the most of whatever time we had to ourselves again I got pregnant within 2 months

I don't think how your OH is feeling is actually that unusual in the early days. Men tend to come into their own when babies are a bit older and interacting more. I remember that the first couple of months were quite hard on my relationship with DH because he too felt he couldn't help as much as we'd both anticipated because i was BFing, and he probably felt quite pushed aside for a while because DS's needs obviously came first. But i kept reinforcing the point that his help with the house, with cooking, changing nappies, taking the baby for even just an hour while i got some sleep etc. was exactly what i needed. He used to disappear off on short walks with DS in his pram so i could just have a bath or whatever.

From memory, things became much easier/ happier when DS was smiling regularly and interacting more. There are still times now (DS is 15 mo) when DH feels he can't do right, but those times are fewer and further between and he concentrates on what he is good at - playing with DS and making him giggle. But it's invariably mummy that DS wants when he's feeling a bit down, for whatever reason. It will get better and i think you just need to keep talking to your OH and reassuring him that you're both doing fine.

There are sadly few good modern role models for being a new father.

Most seem to want to emulate being a mother - which is why the 'giving a bottle of expressed milk' is frequently touted and rarely works

It's all about looking after and supporting you for a while - which for a couple who don't normally have gender specific roles, can feel odd and unbalanced. You need him more than the baby probably does now.Things will change soon.

He doesn't have to do what you do (feeding/comforting baby) - hecan support you so it's easier for you.

Once baby gets to the smiling stage then more interested in the world, he can take them for short walks in the sling while you sleep/have a bath etc.

Mums and dads have different roles IMO. DS now 2.4 is very close to his dad. I bf and didn't express until 3 months. Before that, dh did take DS in the sling sometimes butainly he made sure I was fed and watered, kept in touch when he was at work. All to keep me sane.

I think it's hard for some men to take that background support role taht Finally and Iggly mention, and the realisation that the wife and baby are a nursing couple can come as a shock. Depends on how they have been brought up. It doesn't have to be the end of the world but the new reality takes a bit of getting used to. Some get over it faster than others. Encouragement of competence at the many boring and mundane things that need to get done despite being worn out and praise for shouldering domestic responsibility can help make things go smoother, but signs of resentment of the baby, impatience at the crying, and jealousy of the mother and baby relationship need to be tackled. Any 'you're spoiling the baby', 'the baby is manipulating you, don't pick her up whenever she cries' 'you need to get her on a schedule' -- this requires dealing with.

I agree 100% with that comment on expressing so the father can play other -- a father is not a mother.

This is why boys should play with dolls

other = mother

These early weeks are very hard for everyone and DH confessed to me recently that for the first few months he thought we'd made a horrible mistake by having a baby. DD is 19 months now and has a wonderful bond with DH (in fact as I'm typing this they're having a cuddle on the sofa).
It wasn't that he felt left out more that the relentness of those early months left us both exhausted and shell shocked. Give it time and keep reassuring and supporting each other and it will get easier for both of you.

Please, please, don't feel you have to take on responsibility for him as well as the new baby! This stage is just about coping and getting through, for a lot of us. Male and female. You will get through. Just focus on each day as it comes.

I think a lot of dads feel the same way tbh. It's good he can tell you he feels like it. He is probably worrying his dad's behaviour has made him this way when I don't think that's it at all. Now I am on no3 baby I think my DH feels a lot more confident in admitting he really doesn't enjoy the baby bit, as he knows that I know what a great dad he is to the older ones.

It really can be hard for dads when you are breastfeeding, what he can do is be a fantastic husband and look after you. Try to reassure him that it's normal for parents (mums too!) to not actually like the baby bit!

And if you're loving every minute of it, you don't have to pretend otherwise just to keep misery company.

Have you/he spoken with Health Visitor about it? They should be able to help too as they are health visitor for the whole family not just the baby and mother. Also I think there is a dad's website like this one - think I googled it once - maybe he could log on and chat? I've recently returned to work and DH has to share childcare, this has helped as he has become more confident the more he does and I have a little bit of me time - even if it is for work.

Thanks for all the words of advice & encouragment. DH & I have been chatting & it seems just sharing our feelings (bad & good) has helped things. Im glad my OH can share these feelings with me, but as a health professional myself Im perhaps too quick to take on other's emotional issues as my responsibility. That being said, I'm glad I can support him in this way as he certainly has for me throughout the pregnancy & beyond.

We've decided on the 1 day at a time approach which will hopefully take some pressure off. No need to worry over what we should be feeling, rather get on with daily life; 'enjoying' the little moments & coping with the more challenging ones :)

(caught a peek of hubbie & baby having a good ol cuddle when I got out the bath so things can't be that bad :))

My mum said something to me when my DD was born that seemed incredibly sexist at the time. For the first few months the mother is there for the baby, and the father is there for the mother. I agreed a bit with her after a while.

It is really hard for dads when they are tiny. Hell it's hard for everyone.

Good that you are talking about it.

I've been on MN for a long time and find it difficult sometimes to unpick the conflicting messages you get about fatherhood. Lots of posts here about "helping the mother" and playing a "supporting role", but then tomorrow I'll read a load of people shouting down the concept of a dad "helping" because they are a parent too and should take equal responsibility!

All very confusing really, I hope DW and I can work it out when the time comes but it it a frightening prospect.

Ooh this all sounds v familiar & all I can say is "it will get better all around"

Nesbo there's a difference between equal responsibility and doing the same thing. So mum and dad don't both need to feed baby for example. Dad can take baby when it's asleep, for example, and let mum rest etc. Or do more/all cooking etc in the first 6-12 weeks etc. That's what my dh has done with both of ours.

As they get older, dh tales more of direct role in the looking after dc as opposed to helping me. Many threads on here are complaints that the DH doesn't and just swans off to work and puts feet up when home!!

It's not helping in general as in helping a bit but the mother doing the majority of the work. Playing the supporting role means in the context doing everything the mother would normally do in order to support the establishment of breastfeeding and the mother's recovery from childbirth.

Yes they are both parents, but that has never stopped mothers from being housekeepers, cooks, and chief bottle washers too, none of which are specifically related to mothering a newborn. During the neonatal period a father can be a parent by doing everything the mother would normally do, thus saving her energy, directly contributing to her recovery and indirectly contributing to her feeding of the baby.