DP and I disagreeing on food issues ....

[nappyaddict]

Do you insist your child tries everything on their plate?

I told DP I don't make DS eat something on his plate if he says he doesn't like it. DP says how does he know he doesn't like it if he hasn't tried it?Shouldn't you at least make him try a tiny bit first before saying it's ok to not eat it - he might even like it if he tries a bit!

Also if DS says he is full up I don't make him clear his plate. However DP thinks this should mean that I don't offer pudding (which is generally fruit or yoghurt or jelly) DP says if he says he is full up then if we offer him something else to eat we are encouraging him to ignore his body telling him he is full.

What are your thoughts on these issues?

I have instiled a 'try it' policy with dd. I font care if she then says she doesn't like it as long as she has tried it. And tgat means each meal time not just once. I don't insist on finishing everything on the plate but will compromise if I don't feel she has had enough.

I don't like sone foods why should she like everything?

I also don't make a big deal about it, she is good with veg and more likely to refuse meat/pie

So if you put say peas on her plate and she tries them and doesn't like them, would you put peas on again and insist she tries them again?

How old is your ds and how does he eat?

my dd 1 eats really well and is 9 so if she tells me she doesn't like something thats fine.

dd2 used to eat everything, became food phobic and stopped eating nearly everything, has now improved but i have to insisted she tries at least a crumb of everything on her plate. sounds pathetic i know, but this help build her confidence in tasting food, and avoids the 'control' she she has gained over mealtimes. i wouldn't ever force, but encourage and praise her loads when she's done it. I never hold back on desserts as i don't want to be seen to be punishing her for not liking something, i have 3 others so it would be a real punishment watching them all eat something and not her. But i may change the planned chocolate trifle to healthy fruit if she hasn't eaten very well!

Agree to asking DC to at least try something before saying they don't like it. I never force them to eat something they say they dislike like my parents used to do with me.

I do use the phrase "if you're too full to eat your dinner, then you are too full for pudding". DS usually eats more dinner to get his pud. Fair deal.

Next time I make peas, yes

Yes i continue to give the foods my dd doesn't like, but i'd put literally 3 peas and separate all her food, as she won't eat something she does like if its been 'contaminated' by food she thinks she doesn't like.

Dd is 4 next month though so her 'don't like it' will sometimes mean 'I don't want tgat today' iyswim. Plus I really believe it's trying something often that's makes them like it.....I didn't used to like red wine

I don't think you should give him pudding if he says he has had sufficient. Not in a punishing way but if he's full he's full. Don't use pudding as a reward 'you can have this delicious fruit if you eat this not delicious dinner'. If he's said he's had enough you wouldn't give him a lamb chop.

I've just been reading a very helpful book on food issues with children and I would say your approach is more sensible than that of your DH, OP. Here are a few of the things the book suggests:

No harm in encouraging a child to try things, but don't force the issue if they really don't want to.

Also, if they believe they can take the food back out of their mouth if they really don't want to swallow it, it can help them feel more secure about trying things.

Don't make dessert a "reward" - it overvalues the second course and undervalues the first (if desserts are generally healthy, eg yoghurt and fruit, then it's another opportunity for them to eat good food too).

Quite right not to insist they finish everything on their plate - that can lead to overeating in later life.

Stay calm at all times - don't allow mealtimes to become battlegrounds.

This is the book in case anyone's interested.

Good luck!

Stay calm at all times - don't allow mealtimes to become battlegrounds.

Totally agree with this more than anything. I don't get stressed about mealtimes.

How old is your DS?

I think it's important for children to try foods periodically, even if they didn't like it before, because tastes change with age. Also, i've never liked the "don't like it" before they've tried it attitude, it's just not logical. But then, a two year old isn't logical, which is why i ask what your DS's age is. This would also have a bearing on whether or not you offer a dessert. If my DS was 5 and wouldn't eat his meal, i wouldn't offer him dessert. But it's different with a young child (DS is 15 mo).

Whatever the case, i would not insist on a child finishing their plateful as appetites vary - same as adults. It just turns meal times into battles, which is no fun for anyone.

He is 6 in June.

I also wonder if I'm full actually means I don't want anymore because I want to make sure I'm not too full to eat dessert. And even if that is the case is that OK? My gut feeling is that it is OK, but DP wouldn't agree.

savoycabbage If your DC don't eat all their meal and say they are full do you not offer dessert then? I give him really tiny portions to make it manageable for him to finish it and get the choice of more dinner or dessert but even then he sometimes says he is full before the plate is cleared. How do you say it without making it a punishment? If everyone else clears their plate and has desert it would feel to me like I was punishing him if he had to sit and watch us eat it.

Dh and I have very different views on meals times, I'm pretty laid back but he gets very stressed over it. I hate meal times together and we've gone round in circles trying to agree a compromise but can't seem to find one. So now I feed the dc before he gets home to avoid the battle. Not ideal but better than all the stress!

Ds always say "my tummy gets full and then it goes down and is ready for more"!

It's hard but I'm fairly certain that as adults we take away children's natural instincts about eating, portion control and only eating what your body needs. I think a child's natural eating instinct is little and often.

Some great advice from Immaculada.

I would love to know if there has ever been a child, anywhere on the planet, who, when forced to 'try' something they profess not to like, has taken a mouthful and said "oh I was so wrong, that's delicious".

DD doesn't like mushrooms, I just give her the meal exactly as we are having it, mushrooms and all, and if she wants to pick them out that's fine. One day she will decide to try them. We don't make a big deal out of it.

We don't give dessert at every meal, but if it's there, we don't have rules about finishing the main course before you're 'allowed' pudding. I don't like the idea of pudding being seen as a treat or reward.

DD is 3. We dont make her finish her food and if she says she doesn't like something we accept it as long as she has tried it. I won't offer the food she doesn't like again the next day but will offer it again next time we have it. She really doesn't like potatoes in any form. They are the only food that she tries then spits out but every so often she happily tries them.

Generally we don't have pudding. I dont think it's necessary to have something sweet after a meal unless its a special occasion. If she's still hungry after a meal she can have something.

I don't like to make a big deal out of food. There are times (like when granny turns up with chocolate) where I will push her to eat more as I know she's suddenly full because the chocolate is there.

If you're putting something completely new on the plate then it's reasonable to expect that your DS to try it before deciding he doesn't like it. I agree with your DH that you can't really say you don't like a food until you've actually tasted.

However if it's something he's tried before and doesn't like i wouldn't even put it on his plate. Maybe ask him if he wants to have a taste of yours if you feel he hasn't given a fair chance.

I can generally get portion sizes right but wouldn't expect my DCs to always clear their plates and especially not when we're eating out and portions are huge (compared to what they can eat)!

I don't withhold pudding unless there's been serious messing about as my DS has always eaten small amounts as regular intervals so it's not impossible for him to be stuffed full of dinner and decide an hour later that he'd like pudding.

" would love to know if there has ever been a child, anywhere on the planet, who, when forced to 'try' something they profess not to like, has taken a mouthful and said "oh I was so wrong, that's delicious".

Yes there is... I have such a child. I particularly remember the pitch battle (tears, tantrums, the lot) we had the first time I presented Cottage Pie. Logic arguments about 'you like beef, you like potatoes and you like carrots so you will like Cottage Pie' did not work. I made him promise to eat a good-size forkful and then left the room. There was silence.... Then a small voice from the other room called out 'this is pretty good!!'. Cottage Pie is now one of his favourites.

CogitoErgoSometimes i had that only yesterday with my DD who claims to hate all yoghurt. She tried my greek yoghurt with forest fruits and decided she did like it after all. How fickle they are!

On the other hand I was forced to eat spinach as a child and it took me until well into my 30s before I stomach it!!!

Truth is that no-one likes every single foodstuff. If you've tried something several times and still don't like it I'd say fair enough. But fussy children often dig in their heels just because something is unfamiliar and then I think you have an entirely different issue. When you see these 'Freaky Eater' type programmes where indulgent parents have allowed a child to exist on tomato soup, that's the extreme end result of not encouraging them to try new foods.

"I don't withhold pudding unless there's been serious messing about as my DS has always eaten small amounts as regular intervals so it's not impossible for him to be stuffed full of dinner and decide an hour later that he'd like pudding."

That's fine, but if everyone else is eating pudding straight after their meal rather than 30 mins later or whatever isn't it a bit mean for my DS to sit there without any?

I think it's unrealistic to make pudding the reward for compliance. Maybe what you do is make fruit the dessert most of the time and reserve puddings for weekends or something like that. It won't hurt the rest of the family and fruit may not be as attractive a thing to skip dinner for.

Hopeforthebeast I can't really cut his portion size anymore. I read ages ago a portion of 2 handfuls of food is the perfect amount for everybody so that's roughly what I've always given him (his handfuls not mine) I've always used a saucer for his plate so I make sure I don't put too much on it. Because DP is so hung up on this clearing his plate malarkey I have found I've been giving him even less over the last 2/3 months.