Just not cut out to be a mum?

[livelaughlovevintage]

Relationship with my DS has been up and down since he was born, had a very bad relationship with his father and still to this day I can not stand to have anything to do with him (his dad) I struggled to bond with him as a newborn due to the circumstances, finally at about 3 months I felt that love and when I look bk now at videos and how many pictures I took of him I was (I think) good mum to him despite being young/alone etc..
However as he's grown up it's become clear that we have very different personalities and he absolutely adores his dad which I find hard to accept, (absolute twat IMHO) I felt like I was constantly fighting for DSs affection over his dad and eventually I think I just gave up. DS is 6 now and we don't really have that mother/son relationship, I barely see him as he's at his dads most weekends and I work two nights a week plus all day sat.
I've been with my OH for nearly 5 years and we both really want babies in the future but I feel held back by my fear (of what happened last time) and the fact that if I'm a crap mum to DS I shouldn't have the right to bring anymore children into the world.
I guess I just don't understand why I can't just be a proper mum, everyone else can do it, why am I do useless?
I often feel like if his real dad wasn't around we could get bk on track and I could have him all to myself and raise him the way I wanted to :(

It sounds like you have given up with your 6 year old, assuming he prefers your ex to you.

How do you know this? Yes they might have more ready hobbies in common, but often this is how men communicate, through hobbies. You could be the emotional heart that might be lacking in his other relationships.

You say everyone else is a 'proper mum' again, how do you know? Most of us are hanging on by the skin of our teeth.

Stop labelling yourself as a crap Mum, make the effort to rebuild the bridges with your son before its too late

You're a good mum for not trying to poison him against a man you hate. To me this sounds like untreated PND and a lack of time with your DS so when you're with him you just do the stuff which needs to be done whilst your ex-not-dear-at-all-P does the fun stuff.

Is there a way to have more fun time? Designate a night a week family fun night where he gets to stay up late, you play lots of games, have fun tea and no fuss over baths (a Friday night)? Or if not could you start having him on Sundays or do every other Sunday with you?

Ive heard all little boys go through the "I love daddy more" phase and it's not to do with their mum/love at all.

Good luck

He always wants to be with his dad, every day it's "how many sleeps til daddy's?" I asked him what he did with him a couple of weeks back and he said nothing, they sit in his scummy flat all weekend playing in appropriate Xbox games and go to farm foods, that's it.
I do try and do stuff with him, we all went out for a woodland walk the last time we had him at the weekend but he just moaned and said he was bored even when I tried my best to make it fun by play fighting with swords (twigs)
All he wants to do us watch tv or play computer games and I feel like he's being influenced very badly by his father because he loves him more. I get saddled with the practical boring stuff and he gets to stuff him with macdonalds and watch scream 4 and piranha 3d with him! Yes! Adults films which he had nightmares about. Even my mum told him of for making him watch that but he doesn't listen. I get so frustrated sometimes I feel like I'm just banging my head against a brick wall when it comes to DS. It's gone totally the opposite way to how I imagined my baby would be raised. Partly the reason I'd like another DC. To it "right" with no interferences

There was another thread recently asking if people remembered playing with their mums. Most didn't. But they didn't think their mums were crap because of it.

Their mums were the ones who cuddled them when they were sick, fed them, kept them warm and safe while the dads did the fun stuff. So you can be that mum to your DS and don't worry so much about being "fun" etc. He just needs you to be there as a constant for him. Does that sound feasible?

The risk is that you have another child then pour everything into them and "give up" on your DS when he still needs you.

You've hit the nail on the head there iggly I would dearly love another child but I am too scared that I would totally dote on it and poor DS would be left out. I'm not big on affection, I don't really ever snuggle up with DS it feels too forced. But I do do everything else, all the practical stuff. We have a good friendship, have a laugh every now and again but I find it hard to physically show him love. I'm like that with most ppl though. I don't hug or kiss my parents/sisters. I feel uncomfortable when ppl at work innocently touch my shoulder or whatever, I guess that's just me.
I just hope he doesn't hate me when he's all grown up

I'm sure he won't! What about reading him a bedtime story with your arm around him? Giving him a quick kiss before he goes to school etc etc?

I do give him a kiss before he goes into his classroom. That doesn't feel weird. But I never kiss him at home. Maybe I just don't know how to interact with children. I was very affectionate with him when he was a baby, always squeezing him and playing with him. Seems awkward to me now he's older. Doesn't help that he's a very independent child also.

Try not to overthink it too much. I'm sure you're doing great as the more you say, the more it sounds like it.

Perhaps you could find something to do with your ds, just the 2 of you? Make it 'your' thing? swimming/crafts/a sport etc?

I didnt bond with my ds immediately, and because of that I try to be tactile with him now, lots of kisses/cuddles etc

What about a movie night? He chooses the film, you get some popcorn and have a nice evening together.

And he won't hate you, you are his Mum, my Dad was dreadful to me growing up (he is an alcoholic) and I still love him, he is my Dad, the only one I will ever have. Your ds does love you, I think the 2 of you just need some common ground :)