really struggling

[alisonsmum]

sorry this is going to be a long rant/post

ive got dd 2.4 and ds 5m. Im the worst mother in the world. dd had a crappy start because until she was 3 months old i was seriously ill in hospital and couldnt look after her. my dh and parents took care of her. ds also had a shitty start and he spent 5 days in scbu right after his birth with pneumonia; again my fault as ? had prolonged membrane rupture (i had thought for 3 days before his birth my water was leaking n tried laying down with a pad etc with no significant wetness and didnt get checked properly at the hospital)

anyway ive been in this funny mood since ds was a month or so old...sometimes im fine and cope very well and other days like today im a wreck. I did see the gp about possible pnd but then i feel better some days so she said its not that

ds hasnt slept through yet and dd is often up during the night too. My dh is fab and helps a lot in the evenings and during the night. But the day time mon-fri 8-5 its usually just me and the kids..

most days im ok and get out and about n see friends; on the days where i have nothing to do/nowhere to go i quickly desend into this black hole, where everything is such an effort. I find myself getting angry n yelling n crying. texting dh that i cant manage.

is this normal? this is happening 2/3 times a week on the days i have no one to see. im soooo bloody tired. i know getting out the house helps but even this is such a huge task on my own. My dh and kids would be better without me am sure

Hi Alison, sorry to hear about your struggles, I only have one DD so I don't have much advice except this : no matter how much effort it is make sure you get out every day, even if it's just for an hour. I felt like this a bit when I first had DD but forced myself to go out for an hour walk on the days when I don't have anything else on, it is the difference between light and dark IMHO, try it for a couple weeks and see, I have no idea why something as basic as going for an hour long walk helps but exercise and fresh air do wonders!

Have you spoken to your HV/GP about how your feeling?

Don't feel guilty about things that have happened, think forward to the good times to come. I know its easier said than done though, DS was really ill when he was 8 weeks old and it took me so long to be in a position where I felt relaxed enough to enjoy him. I think when something traumatic and out of the norm takes place it does tend to monopolise your thinking for a long time afterwards.

You poor thing, if you had heard of this happening to someone else there is no way you would think they were to blame or any sort of bad mother. I'm willing to bet you would feel sorry for them and think they were doing really, really well to be seeing people at all. You have to get past the idea that not getting everything exactly right is failing in some way, nobody could meet these standards and you only see other people coping when they are out and about as well.

I was ill in hospital for a couple of weeks following DD's birth but I don't blame myself or think she had a shitty start. DH is so much better with her than he might have been had he not been thrown in the deep end like that, so it is likely your DD was just fine as well - she won't remember it anyway. You are probably not completely healthy even now (I mean physically after what you have been through so recently, I don't have experience with PND but it is worth talking to your HV about your feelings just in case).

Finally, if I had a friend feeling like this I would be flattered if they told me and would be more than happy to help out in some way - don't be scared to admit to it or ask for help.

DS had major heart surgery when he was 3 wks old (he's fine now). After he came home from the hospital I fell apart emotionally depressed and very anxious. I talked to my gp and was given anti depressants. I feel so much better. I still have down days where I do feel I can face the world, but the lows aren't as low. I think it was a kinda post traumatic stress reaction. Talk to your gp/HV. They may recommend drugs or counseling. It will get better.

thanks for even reading my long post let alone replying

paranoid...i always feel better when we have been out, just its hard to do it every day. wish i had more energy.

sirzy..i did speak to hv initially when ds was a month or so old but then i felt better some days. i think i kinda put on a 'im managing' front. most days i do manage but probably 3 out of the 5 im on my own i dont think i can manage...

runner...dh is really close to dd. closer than me probably. maybe this was due to him being thrown in at the deep end too.

i had an ear infection 3 weeks ago and the week i was ill was lovely. I got loads of help from my mum...i even had a lay down in the afternoons while she watched them. Trouble is i really cant (dont want to) let them see im struggling. I want to do well and for them to see me doing well..i want to be a lovely mum but underneth i just think im shit. When my mum does help its usually with me there as well. She doesnt offer to take them for me, even for an hour. im certainly not going to ask. Sometimes if im at her house she gets all narky like shes had enough of us and i end up bringing the kids home because it upsets me

hi ginger..how awful for your ds..am glad hes ok now. yes i think i had ptsd after me being so ill. i did see a pyschologist as i was having panic attacks and was very anxious.

i think maybe some counselling now would help. im not anxious anymore but i do feel terrible guilt/anger at how rubbish at start both my little ones have had. suppose its great we are all fine now and no lasting damage or anything but i still feel rubbish about it all sometimes..