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Original poster

getting 3.4 year old DS to say please, thank you and sorry

14 replies

Outdoorsmum · 25/01/2006 15:25

Please don't laugh at this but we are having huge problems getting our DS to say these.

We have had three major upsets with him refusing to say sorry when done something naughty and him being sent onto naughty step until he says sorry - one time he even went to bed without a story, cuddles and drink of milk because he wouldn't say it.

He says it is hard to say. Won't say thank you and please. I was embarrased at Christmas.

I want to go tough and not give him what he wants ie biscuit - until he says please. But my DH says it will just cause another battle and the best approach is to gently encourage and keep telling him to say ti. Me and DH emphasize a lot of the time saying please, thank you and sorry.

Any advice is really welcome. I really hope I'm not the only one with a very stubborn child. I am ashamed of him like this.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Easy · 25/01/2006 15:35

I think you MUST get tough, if you have got to this age and he doesn't say it.

I insisted on please and thank you from ds first starting to talk. Now he is 6, he hardly ever forgets, and his friends' parents compliment me on his good manners.

Don't offer to get anything for him without a please, and when you hand him a drink or anything, keep hold of it until he says thankyou. I don't think there is any other way.

Sorry is a slightly different issue. DS says it, but thinks it is an automatic pardon for any sort of behaviour, and once he has said sorry we should just dforget a midemeanor.

But again stick to your guns with it. If he should apologise, stop all other activities until he's done it.

Good luck.

Aloha · 25/01/2006 15:39

You shouldn't be ashamed of him. Please, thank you and sorry don't mean much to him at this age. Saying 'sorry' doesn't mean he is sorry! Nor does not saying it mean he isn't. Obviously you are right to encourage it but I think the best policy is not to be so upset by what you think other people might be thinking about your child - though believe me, I know how hard that it. Example is more important than anything, so with your example and gentle encouragement I am sure you will get there. Embarrassment is just a short step from anger IME so it's best to try to squash both, hard though it is.

fruitful · 25/01/2006 15:39

I second that! Please and Thankyou aren't too hard (in theory!) as long as you consistently insist on them. And they don't get what they want unless they ask nicely. Dd tends to say "I want a drink" or "I'm thi-i-i-rsteeeee" and gets completely ignored until she says "Can I have a drink please?".

"Sorry" is much harder - think how difficult so many adults find it to say. Its not about forgetting to say it, its about not wanting to admit you were wrong. I can get dd to say it, but getting her to mean it is another matter.

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fruitful · 25/01/2006 15:41

Didn't see Aloha's when I posted. I agree, "please" & "thankyou" are different to "sorry". But I do think that p&t can be trained as a reflex thing to say.

Stubborness can be useful. Its called "determination" when it is. Don't be ashamed of him!

sunnydelight · 25/01/2006 15:46

I'm with Easy on this one. I always think that the constant "what do you say" necessary to instill manners into our kids is one of the most boring but necessary parts of parenthood and that we are really doing them a disservice if we don't persist. Rightly or wrongly I notice whether or not my kids' friends say please and thank you when they come here (mine are 12, 7 and nearly 3)and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

wannaBe1974 · 25/01/2006 18:13

I'm with sunnydelight and easy on this one as well. My DS is 3.2 now and was taught to say please and thank you (I said thank you rather than ta from the outset) from the moment he was aware of his surroundings really. And he never fails to say it, and everyone compliments me on his good manners. I tould get tough on this and would insist he says it or go without. I agree also though that sorry is a slightly different one as although they will say it, they don't necessarily mean it. My DS says it whenever I tell him off for doing something "sorry mummy" is almost a phrase to him now that makes everything alright regardless of the action. I still make him say it, especially if he's hurt someone else, but I don't think at this age that he quite understands the meaning of it.

MarsOnLife · 25/01/2006 18:16

Agree with Easy.

It's all about consistency. Repetition, repetition, repetition.

Mine were fab at it until school for some reason. So I started again. Say please/thank you /excuse me. Well done. Kept on with it until they remembered that it wasn't a passing fad that could disappear when they went to school.

My MIL (spit spit) accused me of nagging my children. Now (or last I saw her) she told me how lucky I was to have such polite children. I was quick to point out that it wasn't luck. It was hard work.

wannaBe1974 · 25/01/2006 18:19

Isn't it annoying when people say you're "lucky" to have well-behaved children? it's as if badly behaved is the norm and if you have well-behaved ones then it's all about luck and nothing to do with what you as a parent put into it? Makes me mad!

Hulababy · 25/01/2006 18:24

I agree that manners are important and that at this age it is the time they are learning what it is all about and why it is important to say it. I have to admit that there are times at home where we do let the od time go, but on the whole DD is very good att remembering.

but there is one bug bear of mine. Do you pause and give your DS time to remember the right words to use, before prompting him? I ask this as my PILs are devils for prompting DD if she fforgets, literally the second she finishes her sentence. This then makes her feel embarrassed and uncomfortable about it all and that is where arguements might occasionally begin. However, a simple pause and a look will normally be enough and she will add the correct word herself with no further prompting. Drives me mad when they do this - noticed with lot of older people too. You have to give them the chance to learn on their own IMO.

FairyMum · 25/01/2006 18:29

I agree with Hulababy. I don't tend to go for the "what do you say"-approach. I also think it just embarrasses my children in front of others sometimes and I find it embarrassing sometimes when adults push children to much with the "what do you say" "what is the magic word" etc approach. I tend to think children pick up manners if the people around the havemanners. My children often forget too, but generally they remember their please and thank you's because they hear it from us all the time. I think children who are reminded all the time might be more likely to forget because they are so used to someone reminding them all the time.

FairyMum · 25/01/2006 18:30

SORRY about bad spelling...cringe

wannaBe1974 · 25/01/2006 18:35

PILS are good at "reminding" aren't they. Generally I only have to look in DS' direction in order for him to say please/thank you, I know where you're coming from on the reminding thing - my mother used to do it all the time and it used to drive me insane! and I was old enough to remember so I shudder to think how bad she was when I was little.

FrannytheQuinoaEater · 25/01/2006 18:47

I think getting into a standoff where the chilk refuses to say sorry is counter productive. Many children do feel put on the spot by this request and seem to become almost paralysed and unable to speak. Is there another way he could use to show that he is sorry? I would concentrate on the feelings of the person he has hurt, and help him to think what he could do to put it right (cuddle, give a toy, etc)

The other method I have used when my son stubbornly refuses to say sorry, usually in company, is to say "Well, X, I'm going to say sorry for DS, because he shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry he did it."

With thank you, again, a hug or smile can say thank you as well. Forcing these words when a child fels uncomfortable doesn't help them to achieve social graces in the long run, I think.

FairyMum · 25/01/2006 18:53

When it somes to apologising I am actually quite tough on mine. Not in front of other people as much, but at home I would demand an apology if they have done something wrong. My Dh is really slow at admitting fault and saying sorry and I think this is such a bad characteristic. They can go and play by themselves u ntil they will come and say sorry. My children are very stubborn so it can take a long time, but I do stand my ground. Equally I always say sorry to them and they demand an apology if I am being unreasonable. I also think it's important to give a lot of praise if they reemember their manners.

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