How do I get my 4yr old DD to listen without me raising my voice and repeating myself

[TheBightyMoosh]

I am just getting so frustrated with my 4yr old DD who doesn't seem to listen to a word I say, and doesn't do anything I ask her. I find myself repeating myself about 5 times before she will hear me, and in that time my voice gets louder and louder, and I get angrier and angrier. I know I need to keep my frustration to myself, and not take it out on her, but it is soooooo frustrating when she doesn't listen to me. Don't get me wrong, I am not just standing there barking orders at her - I get down to her level and ask her nicely, and ask her if she's listening. She says she is, but when I ask to what I have asked her to do, she just looks at me blankly and says 'don't know'.... But I can then repeat myself about four or five times and the same thing happens - it's then I start to lose it with her!

So how do I ease my frustration, and how do I get her to listen?

Thanks

The book 123-magic worked really well for us :)

This is a really good book.

www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Child/dp/1853407054

God I could have written this post about my 3.7 year old, he is driving DH and I mad at the moment.

I think if you find the answer, you could sell it for a gazillion pounds. (I also have a gorgeous bright lovely 4yo DD who is completely gormless a lot of the time)

You are not alone. I've just had a conversation that went like this with DS(5):

"bring me your homework diary please"
"bring me your homework diary please"
"bring. me. your. homework. diary. now"
"BRING ME YOUR HOMEWORK DIARY!!!!"

When he eventually brought it I said 'why didn't you just bring me it when I asked you to?"

DS: don't know.

head/wall/head/wall/head/wall

Get down on their level
Look them in the eyes
Speak slowly, in a low voice to get their complete attention
Then step back and yell 'GET YOUR HOMEWORK BOOK NOW!!!!!

This drives me bonkers too at the moment.

I sometimes find it helps to give him ridiculous choices. So if he completely ignores me asking if he wants milk or water with his dinner (strangely if juice is involved his hearing seems to pick up a bit) then I'll say ok I'll bring you some nice octopus livers to drink.

But I know exactly how you feel.

This is why I love Mumsnet! You can be feeling like the crappest parent on earth, and then within minutes, you can still feel a bit crap, but know you're not alone!!

Great advice - love your suggestion wintersnight - I think the unexpected might just jolt her out of her little zone. It is just so frustrating, isn't it?

Frontpaw - mine won't even look me in the eyes sometimes! He deliberately turns his head away and says 'I'm turning my face from you Mummy'. It makes me see red and I really struggle to control my temper then!

Argh.

95% of the time he is a lovely, funny, loving, polite little boy. The other 5% he is a nightmare.

95:5 is a good ratio Ali

My DS is 3.3 and the not listening thing is driving me mental too. I feel like I'm in a vicious cycle where I have to shout and get out the angry voice to get him to listen but now I think he ignores nice sensible voice and waits for me to use the shouty voice.

I don't want to have to shout but can't see how else to get his attention. Oh and I've got the How to Talk book, read it, currently washing the t-shirt. Wish DS was old enough to read it too.

Aaaaaaaaaaaargh.

If any one finds the answer can they let me know.

DH usually says something daft about elephants ('do you want a drink or shall I give it to the elephant?'). Usually raises a smile. DH was starting to worry that there might be a hearing issue. I find that whispering 'chocolate' disproves that theory.

I've tried 'How to Talk' but it doesn't explain how to get a 4 year old to stop lolling on the floor and get dressed/out the door/eat some dinner without a parent having to yell. Maybe I need to read it again.

Sometimes when you finally get her attention she seems shocked and surprised that you have had to ask '10 bleeping times already'. She's on her own planet.

I often find that children hear you better if you whisper than if you raise your voice - I whisper to my class all the time and I think there is something about a whisper that makes them want to listen!

Right, going to whisper and talk about elephants tomorrow.

My dd1 is 3.10 years and this has been a v recent development with us. She just does not listen any more! At all! And she doesn't do what I say now either, godamnit! She used to listen all the time, loved deciding which colour bowl or spoon or drink to have, and generally did what I asked. Oh those days are long, long gone And shouting doesn't work. Trying to come up with fun ways to get stuff done, like getting dressed/washed etc...

We had a phase with DS where he was really ignoring us. Turned out he had an ear infection .

This made me laugh as my ds 4 is exactly the same. Either looks blankly and ignores me or pretends to sleep ie closes his eyes and goes floppy when he doesn't want to do something.

Apologised to my mum the other day because I remember doing it to her too and I now know how frustrating it is having to repeat yourself endlessly.

I like the whispering idea.