Managing large families: does anyone regret having three or more children?

[allyfe]

Firstly, I know that you will all love each and every one of your children. My question is really about the dynamics in large families, and the practical consideration of having more children than there are parents.

I currently have two children, aged 2y11 months & 15 months. They (together with my hubby) are the best things in my world and I can't imagine how much poorer my life would have been without them. I had always said I wanted two children and no more. I came from a family of two children. However, as time goes by, I keep wondering about whether or not I would l like to have more children.

A big part of me says no because when it is just me with both of them, I find it very hard work (basically it is fine if we have a friend round or are round at a friends house). I can't imagine what it must be like to be one parent with three or four children (I say that because there are twins in my family and so if I have another I'd risk having twins...not least because I'm nearly 39).

But, there is also the bit of me that thinks my children are so wonderful, and also thinks that the pregnancy/baby stage is wonderful (I think this may be rose-tinted), and that I would like to do it again.

However, I'm worried that I would regret it because I can't really imagine how I would manage. So, my question is does anyone regret having the number of children they did (even though, like I said, I know nobody could actually regret the existence of the little people that you have - if you get my meaning)? All positive and negative opinions would be really appreciated.

Hi

I have 3 Dc and although i would never change it now, i do sometimes think 2 would have been far better. The even number, the fact they are both boys all comes into it!

i am 32 and my kids are now approaching teens and 1 is a teen. Personally the thought of having anotherstrikes terror through me doesn't appeal. I like planning what i will do when my time is my own!!

All in all i could never regret my daughter though she can be a complete cow hard work at times

I have 4DC ages 3, 5, 7 and 9 and one on the way. The hardest thing for me was going from 1 to 2 children. Number 3 didn't faze me, then number 4 totally knocked me for six! Despite all that, I've come back for more....

Yes, its hard sometimes, ALOT of work, and exhausting, but I cant imagine having only 2 children, it seems like it would be too quiet for me. And this is coming from someone who NEEDS peace and quiet straight after bedtime. When I see all the kids getting along and laughing together I know I made the right choice to have more. The way I see it, each one is so gorgeous and lovely that I can't not have another one of those!

Oh, and they entertain each other most of the time, which makes it easier for me.

I can't imagine only having two. Well.I can, it was so much easier but there was something missing.

Dc3 suffered a birth injury and was brain damaged as a result, so we went from two healthy toddlers to two healthy toddlers and a very high needs baby. Dh had a vasectomy three months later as I couldn't cope with the prospect of going through any sort of childbirth again.

We are well past that stage now and I sort of regret the decision we made in the heat of the moment. She still has a disability, obviously, and life is utter chaos (one of the other dcs was also dx with some additional needs much later on) but you know, it's all part of life.

We have multiple clubs etc every night except Friday, and I spend my life ferrying children everywhere. Literally. So you need to have a plan to minimize this. Toddlers and whatnot are easy peasy. The real trials come when they all want to do different stuff, are in different schools, and need different equipment ready and the ride on time. And how you decide whether x's ballet has priority over getting y to cubs, or whether z has time to do her homework because you are driving around town collecting.

It's just life. You get on with it. And if it's too much, you just say no.

I have four DC: 17, 17, 8 and 5. I think that the nine year age difference helped tremendously with not being overwhelmed. Although, now that they are all at the age of doing after-school activities and going to parties etc., there is a lot of ferrying to do. If we had four young children, there would be no way we would have coped.

I have five and don't regret any of them. If I were to want a smaller family, which ones should I discard?

I don't think you should be feeling broody all the time. If you don't get that feeling, then perhaps you are destined just to have the two children. If you want more when the time comes, then go for it!

A one and a two year old are hard work! You have had your children very close together, so you are at the maximum level of frazzledness. If you were to have a gap of, say, three years till the next, you will find everything so much easier, and you would have a couple of little helpers too.

The struggles with a large family are the size of house you need, car, and things like going out for meals and going on holiday. We have really burdened ourselves by choosing to privately educate all of them. Our children know that funds are limited and that they don't have the same material possessions as their friends. But they have enough!

Is 3 DC a large family?

My only regret is that it's expensive. If I'd only had one, we could have done a load of city breaks, etc. Of course he would be bored stiff of being dragged around museums and galleries. So, no, apart from the financial side of things, I have absolutely no regrets.

Have 4 and I wonder if we should have stuck with three. Most things are set up for two adults and two children but you can squeeze an extra kids into most things. 4, no. We always need two hotel rooms, DH and have to split up and have two kids each. We spend a lot of time ferrying 3 kids around, DS is only 4 so it hasn't started for him yet but I can imagine it's going to be insane once he starts football etc.
When they get on well it's good, but I often have more than one melting down on me. I think having them quite close together hasn't helped- it's probably easier if you have bigger age gaps.
Four children are expensive if you are the kind of family that thinks holidays and activities are important.
When people ask me about having 4, I usually say it's hard but would be easier if you have family nearby who are willing to help out.

I had to give up work because of having 3 DC (& no family support & not good enough career to get a nanny in). It's a reality I have to be honest about.

Now I have 4 which is truly insane .

I always wanted four, but now I have three I am rethinking! Similar age to you and finding DC3 soooo much harder work than the previous two, partly because I am older and partly having to look after two other children as well as tiny baby - it is exhausting.

But -- I don't regret it, I was one of two and I always wanted to be part of a bigger family. I am just looking at this stage as one to be got through (which is kind of sad I suppose) and looking forward to when they are all a bit older and play together.
I am still thinking about no 4. But I don't know if I can do all this again when most of my friends' youngest children are now at least two or three years old. I envy their freedom, despite adoring baby no 3.
Sorry, I hope this doesn't sound too negative -- I am really excited about having a big family, just finding the baby stage a bit tiring tbh!

I'm glad I've got three. I would like to be a more competent, patient mother though.

i have 5 children, soon to be 6. its utter choas, madness, but they are fantastic. i cant imagine life without them.

yes sometimes i get frazzled, but no more than when i had one child. i found the 1st child the hardest, being responsible for someone other than myself. then child #2 i worried i wouldnt love her as much as child #1. by #3 i felt more confident and she just slotted into our lives.

#4 threw me for a loop, and i had to reassess my parenting, and decided to carry on as i was and follow her lead. #5 is an utter delight.

four is easier than three as mine pair off and noone is left out.

I was like you OP. When DD (2nd) was a baby I was always nervous she was growing up too fast as was her big brother. I even remember posting similar questions on mumsnet when she was 10 months or so.

We gave it so much consideration over the last year and by xmas we came to the conclusion we didn't want to do it all again and for the first time we were looking forward to ditching prams and naps for more fun, freedom and holidays with older kids which I never thought id feel. By xmas DS was 4.5 and DD had just turned 2. The day after boxing day I found out I was pregnant .

It's easy to think whistfully about bigger family's and still having cuties around but when you find yourself PG again with 2 little ones to look after - reality hits hard.

Im gutted to be honest - and sorry to say that because it's not nice I know.
My 2 now get on great because they are old enough to play properly. Two is very very hard work on your own at times so 3 will be chaos.

My poor DD is now going to be shoved into a playgroup 4 mornings a week at 2.5 because it's either that or sitting in with a crying baby (and mother), watching endless c-beebies while I sit on my bum breast feeding ALL DAY. She is never going to have any time with me properly as my baby is due when my DS starts school. I was looking forward to that time.

DD is also a really hard going child. Demanding, whiny and exhausting. You have to take into consideration personalities and your 15 month old won't be there yet.

Im pretty sure im going to regret 3 for the rest of my life even though I know I will love all 3.

Think reality of pregnancy, birth, exhaustion and impact on the whole family long term.

quickchat. i never wanted to put dd4 into preschool at age 3. she was my baby, and i loved having her all to myself whilst then eldest were at school. ds arrived when she was just over 2. she loves him. she doesnt get jealous of him, and we managed the breastfeeding months fine. i took her to a lot of baby groups where she could play and i could feed the baby. she has never been bored or pushed out. in the summer she started asking about nursery and wanting to go, she wasnt yet three. so i made some enquiries and in jan she got a preschool place every afternoon at the nursery next to dd2+3 school. she gets 3 hours a day of full on play, away from me, and gets to spend every morning with me and ds playing as well. its worked out really well.

i am not sure how i will cope with a 16month age gap, but am sure ds and new baby will be fine as well.

i hope things work out ok for you. i worry every pregnancy about how it will change the family dynamic but each time its been fine.

Thank you all so much for your posts. They have been giving me some really interesting food for thought.

Ohwhatnooow your age gaps are pretty similar to what I'd have, so I'm reassured to know that the 3rd was a big change. If it were twin's that'd be like having two 3rd's right?

outofbodyexperience I was sort of assuming the early years were hardest, I hadn't really thought about the logistics of taking children to classes for this and that, and homework etc. It is worth remembering :)

Were we to have another, I would wait until my DC2 was at least 2 1/2 before I started thinking about it. I would need a slightly bigger age gap not to fall apart, and financially we couldn't manage if we had two in pre-school/childminder. So I guess I have a year to think about it and see how things go. I wouldn't be able to have a really large gap because I'd be very nearly 40 by the time we'd potentially start trying. upatnight your moniker should be enough to remind me of the first 12 months with DC2, which ought to be enough to put off any sane person :) Hoping that your youngest is soon a good sleeper, and you can start dreaming about number 4!

quickchat I am so appreciative of your post, and want to say that I can totally imagine where you are coming from. I look back with nostalgia at pregnancy and the early days, but one of the reasons why I'm thinking about it is because I have now had about 4 months of DS sleep through most nights. He was a horendous sleeper for the first 12 months. My pregnancy was also really difficult. What I am trying to say is that I can very much imagine myself feeling like you do were I to get pregnant. The exhaustion and worry - particularly since you had decided not to have another, must be dreadful. Being pregnant with 1 was so hard.

But, I can't help thinking that in 2 years time, when you will be close to the same age/stage children-wise (although with one more baby obviously!), you might be posting something different. I was so concerned about the impact of DC2 on DC1 - I was worried that DC1 would not feel so loved, and it did take me longer to bond with DC2 because I couldn't just sit and gaze at him all day. But, your DD will love to have a little baby (once he/she gets old enough to play with at least!), and she will still have your DS for fun. One of my friends loved being the middle child because she was able to go and play with her older sibling or her younger sibling, depending on what took her fancy.

I am hoping for you that your DC3 is a great sleeper, and a fast feeder. And that the exhaustion goes away and your 2nd and 3rd trimesters go smoothly.

And thank you all for posting and being so honest. I really appreciate it.

misdee I am so reassured by the fact that you worry each time about how the family dynamic will change, and each time it is fine.

My dd started pre-school at 2y6m because I was a little worried she would need the stimulation earlier than 3y6m (our other option), and she really loves it. But she has been with a childminder for 3 days a week, so it was a shift from the CM to preschool.

Molehillmountain I would love to be a more organised and efficient type of a mummy. I'm a little concerned that I use the age of my two as an excuse for living in a pigsty mayhem, and that I will be sorely disappointed when, in 5 years time, nothing has changed. Not least because my children haven't learnt how to be tidy because their daddy and mummy aren't!

Fivehoursleep I really should look at all of your monikers! My parents are reasonably close, but my mum can't cope with a full day with my two (she gets tired easily), so were we to have 3 we'd be pretty much on our own. Unless we moved close to the inlaws...so many reasons to stick with two ;)

I had four. They were six, three and 21 months when our fourth was born.

I don't know whether they were just easy, but the only problem I ever had was night times.

I didn't have an unbroken night from when the eldest was born till the last one was two, so eight years.

I got over it, and I'm still sane. :)

I really couldn't imagine life without them all, they're just great.

I have 5 - 13, 11, 8, 5 and 2. All girls

I don't regret it in most ways because I always wanted a large family and I love it when we're altogether doing family stuff. My husband earns a very high salary and I have been able to remain at work part time so we have enough money for everybody to have and do what they need/want within reason!

I do regret it in certain ways because I worry they haven't had the individual attention they might have benefitted from. Two of them have mental health problems (though, to be fair, so did I and many other adult members of my family so I might just have bad genes!) and I feel they're all a little too sensitive and young for their years.