Worried all of the time

[Worryalotta]

I have a beautiful 8 mo DS and I could not be more in love with him. It actually hurts sometimes. And I worry about him. All the time. It's like I can't believe my luck, and something is going to go wrong.

Most recently I've been frightening myself that he might be autistic. He is showing no traits but DH's sister has 2 children on the spectrum. But if it isn't that, I worry about other things. Like his sleep, weight etc.

I have always been one of life's worriers but this is taking it to a whole new level. I take it this is not normal but how do I break the cycle? I've tried to talk to people about it and they just say 'stop worrying and enjoy him'. I know they're right but it's easier said than done.

I know how you feel Hun I'm one of life's worriers too. I always blame myself for every little thing that could be wrong too, even if it's just one of those things. I can even worry if there's nothing to worry about lol. Not sure how to break the cycle really, I'm trying to think sod it more, and I think I'm a bit better. It then il go back to square one. Let me know if you find out. It does tend to make my life a misery and holds me back in many ways too. With me worry and lack of confidence seem to go hand in hand. Just know your not alone and if you ever need to chat find me out on here. Xx

I don't think 'stop worrying' is the most helpful advice is it? Like you're going to say "oh yes! I never thought of that! Stop worrying you say? Genius".

Do you think something like self-hypnosis or relaxation might help, to be able to shut down for a few mins and not be plagued by thoughts? There are lots of stress-relieving type CDs available. My DH saw a hypnotherapist for a while (for anxiety with a different cause) and I think he found it pretty useful.

I will say I think it's fairly normal to be anxious with a baby, even one that's perfectly healthy and happy. But it sounds like getting some very gentle support might help you. Are you getting adequate 'me time' when you can relax?

I think what you're feeling is pretty normal. I certainly felt the same. I found the DC related worries got better as they got a bit older and more robust-looking. (Of course, there are always things to worry about....but different from the baby worries!)

You could try checking out www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=46 which is a online CBT course for specifically for worrying (free and no sign up needed!) . I did it and actually found it surprisingly very useful at challenging my preconceptions and giving me tools to help channel my worries into something more productive. Might be worth a go.

I always liked this quote (probably mis-quoted!) - Worry never stops tomorrow's sorrows, just takes away the joy from today.

I still have moments when i stop and think about what could happen. Sometimes i even get all teary. But those moments are fewer and farther between now DS is older. It's usually when i hear sad stories on the TV or read them in newspapers etc. I just take a long, hard, look at him sleeping peacefully at night and think "I will do whatever is within my power to keep you safe and happy, for as long as i live". That's all you can do really, and in the vast majority of cases it happens like that. Nothing prepares you for the depth of the love you have towards your LO. It really is so special and, what's more - normal!

Sorry to hear the worrying is making things stressful for you. I think some worry is normal about our DCs, but maybe there is an underlying problem for you? Have you thought of maybe trying to dig a bit deeper into your past (maybe with the help of some counseling?) to find out where your overwhelming sense of worry (perhaps to do with insecurity or feeling a lack of control?) comes from?

The key to changing behaviour (if that is the objective at all, it doesn't have to be!) I think is always through awareness, understanding where it comes from and what it means.

Good luck and I hope in time you'll be able to worry less!

Oh matana, you just made me cry. That's the feeling exactly.

Thank you for your comments. I don't really get any 'me-time' at the moment, haven't got much support nearby and my mum is always so busy I don't like to ask. I think you're right though, a couple of hours off, seeing friends or doing exercise might help put every thing into perspective - DH is always trying to get me to take some time for me so I'll work on doing that. I think I'm also struggling because I haven't really made a nice 'mum' friend. The mums I know are of the competitive parenting ilk and I don't think they would be understanding if I told them how I feel. I think I'd end up gossiped about and I would hate people to think I'm not coping, because I am.

Am relieved to hear this is normal and I'm not the only one feeling like this.

You sound very similar to me! My DS is 9 months and has been on the slower side to hit various milestones, although completely within the normal range. For about the first 6/7 months I worried myself absolutely sick. I would definitely recommend checking out the CBT link posted by beesknobblyknees above - I have found it really helpful and, without wanting to sound too evangelical, it has really made a difference to how much I enjoy every day life! Love the quote as well bees.

Rrreow - yes that makes sense. I am pretty insecure in general and lack confidence. I've always been that way and wish I could change but I've no idea how to. I'm much better than I was, but I think giving up work (at which i was very good) and becoming a clueless ftm has brought back a lot of the old behaviour and worrying.

If you've given up work and not been lucky enough to "click" with a couple of mum friends, I would really recommend looking elsewhere for some company and stimulation. Sometimes I find myself over-focusing on one area of my life (either obsessing about DS, obsessing about work, currently obsessing about having DC2) and I find that the best way of breaking the "worry cycle" is to step away, however briefly, from the area that is causing you stress.

I went to a half day art class with one of my non-mum friends the other day and just having a few hours out of the house meant that I could go back home and really cope with DS's toddler tantrums in a way that I hadn't for the week or so previously - like it reset my sense of perspective IYSWIM? Instead of feeling "oooh I'm a crap mum and I'm not doing enough for DS because of being pregnant and he hates me and it's only going to get worse when the baby arrives and then I've got to start work again AAAAAARRRGGHHH!" I was much more able to think "well, DS is tired and he's coping really well with a lot of changes at the moment, maybe he just needs to let off some steam and it doesn't mean he hates me!"

And because I didn't go down that slippery slope of worrying about all of it, it was easier to cope with.

Similarly when I get really stressed about something work-related I find that doing something completely focused on DS (swimming is a good one!) helps me come back to it with a clearer sense of how important it actually is...

Aww, don't worry! Oh er yeah that's what my mum said to me when my DS was a baby. It doesn't stop you worrying as a previous poster said
I was beside myself with worry for DS at that age. It did lessen over time. he is 4, and I am currently going through another cycle of extreme worry because of school starting this year among other things. Also have dd to think about now, but I worry about her less. Not in a bad way.
Another pp said about keeping your children safe, and I think that is the crux of it. I couldn't bear anything to happen to my children and all other worries about work or myself that went before all pale into insignificance now. it's like I have woken up to the dangers of life and "what could happen" if that makes sense. Because they are so little and reliant on their parents that it sometimes seems overwhelming to us.
I am rambling and just wanted to say I know how you feel. It got less over time for me and I am trying to think more practical and realistic thoughts now.
We have worries about DS being autistic that have been going on since he was very little. Nothing is set in stone apart from that we are his parents, we love him and we will always be there for him whatever happens. And so will you be for your DS as you obviously love him very much.
I will shut up now.

Worryalotta - sounds like taking your DH up on his offer would be good for you and good for him too, it's a win-win!

Parenthood is a massive adjustment and moving from a 'job' in which you feel confident and comfortable to one in which you frankly don't and in which you cannot involve a line manager or HR in any dispute with the baby over unreasonable behaviour is bound to be anxiety-making. :)

A lot of mums seem to come from the competitive school, or maybe it just seems that way when you feel like you would do badly in the competition, if you see what I mean? (I would be the Eddie the Eagle / that bloke who swam the 100 metres having never been in a swimming pool of Competitive Parenting) I have found MN mums in general much less judgemental and competitive, so perhaps see if there's a Meet-Up near you you could go along to?

I'd definitely agree with the idea of having some me time and trying to do something completely unrelated to parenting - even just going to the cinema or something with a non-Mum friend, it just lets you switch off for a bit.

For meeting other Mums, could you try going to a baby class where you have an activity to do (eg. music or signing or something)?

Hope you start to feel better soon.

Oh I do feel for you, wish I could give you a hug. I would say it's normal for any loving parent to worry and you sound like an extremely loving parent, therefore the worrying levels go through the roof!

I am pretty much the same, mine are 10 and 12 so obviously there's different things to worry about. You've already been given good advice about finding 'me time' and different ways to relax, whatever works for you e.g music, a book, whatever, there's no standard as long as you enjoy it and it's a time to relax. Yes it would help if you have a mum friend, I've not really had those in abundance and my sister has no children so never understands. Sometimes though it may help to confide in the one you trust most, you may find to your surprise they share your worries and the competitiveness is a front ( in some cases anyway).

Finally, also it's worth thinking that no child was ever grateful to an over-worrying mother, as it will turn into a negativity for them. My mum did this for me, confidence building was not her strong point, just worrying. Take one day at a time and come back on MN if it helps, will look out for you. Take care.

'Take one day at a time' thats a good sentiment to believe in,and just to say, it will gets easier/ better over time.