Looking for some advice as a stepmum

[DizzySometimes]

Hi everyone. I've been looking at this site for a few days now, and have decided to jump in and ask for a bit of advice.

I married my husband a few months ago now, and he has a son from a previous relationship who's almost 15 - for information, this relationship was over many years ago, and he and his ex have raised my stepson collaboratively for the last 10 + years.

The reason I'm posting is that I'm feeling a little bit lost at the moment. I don't have children myself (and haven't really been around children that much since I was one myself!), so I'm finding the transition challenging. I'm sure my stepson finds it challenging too, so I'm no way belittling that at all, but I'm just ...not sure of what my role is. I have spoken to my husband about this, but I'd love other women's perspectives on this too.

My personal feeling is that, obviously, my stepson already has a mum and doesn't need or want another one, and therefore I don't feel it's my place to discipline him, etc. That being said, I have read other posts on here that say that the stepmum is 'mum within her household', which is a little at odds with this, I guess. I see my role as being supporter of my husband and his son but I struggle to know where that ends. There are times when, if he was my son, I know I'd react differently/ask him to do stuff, etc., but I don't know whether it's appropriate. For the most part, he's no trouble at all, but does sometimes need a little nudge to do things around the flat we live in, and I'd just like some advice on how you would approach something like this. I don't want to necessarily sit down and say 'ok, this is how things are going to work', as I don't think that's necessary, but I also am feeling a bit out of my depth, so any thoughts would be appreciated.

I'd just like to add at this point that I know I'm in a lucky position - husband and ex get on well for their son's sake, there doesn't appear to be any animosity, and my stepson seems comfortable in our flat when he stays with us. I just thought hearing others views on how to navigate this road would be helpful!

Thanks.

I don't have any experience of this, but thought to get the thread started... if I were in your shoes, I'd sit down with DH alone and agree what we expected in terms of simple house rules (e.g. picking up after yourself, contributing to chores like laying table / washing up), and then sit down fairly informally with DSS and run it past him. But to make it two-way, maybe ask him if there is anything he likes to eat specially when he's with you, or DVDs you could get in etc.

I'm a childless stepmum and it sounds like your immediate reaction is spot on. The way I think of it is that the stepkids are my best friends children, so how would I treat my best friends children, I care for them, cook for them and help them with homework. I offer advice if its asked for and I will take on the responsible adult role if neither of their parents are around.
As lagrand says lay the groundrules with DH and let him police them primarily. FWIW you sound like a lovely stepmum.

I'm a step mum to a 14.5 yr old DD! She was just under 9 when we met and I felt the same as you. Similar situation, DP and exP had been seperated since DSD was 1 and all is amicable.

My DP however doesn't step up to parent her, his relationship with DSD is very much like friends. That was fine for the most part, and we all just mucked along together. There were some places I wanted some parenting to be put in place, e.g bed time. DP and DSD will stay up playing computer games etc. So I spoke to DP about it and once I'd told him what I thought he put it in place.

Over the years this is generally how its gone along. There have been times when DP has told me to wind my neck in and that has also been fine. I don't think of DSD as a daughter. I love her along the lines of how I love my friends children.

I have had to take a motherly role with her a couple of times over the years, she started her periods when she was with us as an example. She phoned her mum through the night to tell her, and her mum phoned me. I got her sorted, had a chat etc and stayed up with hot chocolate. The next morning her mum rang her asking her if she wanted to be picked up early and DSD said no, she was happy here and she was really pleased that I'd been there with her. That really touched me!

Now I have my own DD I take a more authorative stand in the house. I tell both girls what to do (normal stuff - have a bath, go to bed etc) I parent them both the same when DSD is here.

It works for us, and I think the only answer is to muddle along. The path will open up. They don't need another mother, they have one. And you can be a friend as well as having some authority in the house. Over time your relationship will develop and as you get used to each other you will have your own 'thing'.

Thank you all so much for the speedy responses - I appreciate them a lot and it's so nice to know how others in the same position have handled it!

I do want things to evolve naturally as much as possible, but am also aware that I was feeling more and more anxious when my stepson visits because I'm unsure what to do, which is part of why I posted here.

I have discussed my concerns with my husband as I was worried that I was doing something wrong, etc., but I think I will suggest we sit down a little more formally and decide houserules as I think this will be helpful so thanks for that suggestion. Also like the idea of asking my stepson about anything particular he would like - I want him to feel comfortable here now that I'm living here as well.

Thanks again.

Step mum to two girls and mum to one DS. For the most part i've left the discipline to my DH, but occasionally i'll step in when something really narks me. For the most part they haven't really needed discipline though. And you will always struggle to discipline someone who does not live with you and most probably has different rules in their mum's house. Inconsistency can be a problem in that respect, but it sounds like your DH and his ex probably agree on a lot so you're better placed than most in that respect.

My DSDs are 14 and 12 and i've known them since 6 and 3, which in many ways is easier than taking on a teenager with all their angst! I've always seen my job as a friend and confidante, if needed. I try not to interfere directly, but will quietly support and advise my DH behind the scenes. As a step mum you're more likely to lose battles, but can have a lot of influence if you support, guide, advise etc.

You sound like you're taking it very seriously, and well done for that, it isn't an easy job. But maybe try not to over think things and try to be as natural as possible.

And if you don't get many more replies on here, try posting on the 'step parenting' board - lots of other people in similar situation. Good luck.

Matana - thanks so much for your reply. I understand what you're saying about over-thinking it, but I know that I tend to analyse things - part of my character!

It's interesting hearing others' views and I definitely agree that my husband should take the lead when his son is with us, and that is what happens. I have spoken to my husband since posting this and, although he is supportive, he doesn't appear to completely understand my point of view regarding how our roles differ. I think this is partially due to our different upbringings - he has both a step mum and step dad (who he calls 'Dad') - whereas my mum and dad are still together. Added to that, I don't know anyone who's part of a step-family either (or didn't until fair recently), so I'm going into this blind.

I'm glad I found this forum and I have looked at the step-parenting board - it has eased my mind about things generally.

Thanks again.