FAIL! how do I be authoratative without appearing to withdraw love?

[stottiecake]

(authoritative?)

Well I failed hugely this evening and have a very heavy heart and just want to curl up and cry.

Was trying to get ds (3.3yo) to have a wash but he was refusing to let me help wash his face. After several attempts and a couple of warnings I told him he would have to go to bed as he was then (pj top on and jeans). I left the bathroom calmly and cooly and he started following me, sobbing. I said I would go downstairs and make his milk (which he usually has when he's in pjs after his bath or wash) He became really upset and followed me to the kitchen. I asked him if he would like to get ready for bed and he said yes. We went back to the bathroom and he let me finish getting him ready and altho' he had stopped crying he looked really sad. I gave him a cuddle and told him he had been a good boy to finish getting ready for bed.

I stood up to start sorting out the baby's bath and ds started vomiting - all his tea came back up. I think he had just become so worked up. I popped him in the bath and then he asked to go straight to bed without his milk.

I just feel so sad that the way I handled this situation resulted in him becoming so upset he was sick. I think I was too detatched. If I had thought about it I could probably found some way to jolly him through the wash routine. I was probably feeling a bit stressed and not in the mood to get creative.

I don't do naughty steps or time out with ds it's usually just natural consequences for his actions but I think I behave too cooly towaards him. Obviously I want him to take me seriously but I don't want him to get so upset that he's sick!

Any advice?

TIA.

poor you.

try not to worry too much. i think when this sort of thing happens it is always worse for us than them. if it would help, you could talk to him in the morning.

there is no straight easy clear path through parenting. we have to make mistakes, and i think we all do. it is how we react to those mistakes that we learn. is he your eldest child?

decide what you will do if it happens again, and forgive yourself for being human.
x

I actually think that you handled it well.

Please do not give yourself a hard time about this. (Easier said than done I know, but I really do not think that you handled this badly)

Are you sure that he was sick because he was upset? Is it possible he's perhaps coming down with something, that may have even been why he was uncooperative in the first place.

TBH in future if something like this happens I would let him either attempt to wash himself if he wanted to be independent, or let him go without. He will not be harmed by a dirty face :) And TBH they sweat quite a bit at night and that tends to loosen anything on the surface (so it gets rubbed into their sheets/pillows... lovely)

Or if you were looking for more generalised advice, I think at the point when he looked sad, you gave him a cuddle and praised him for something good, which was good, but perhaps it would be worth acknowledging his sadness, apologising for getting cross if you did, and just letting him know that you don't want to make him feel sad and you do care about how your actions make him feel (even though they are sometimes necessary) and then perhaps come up with an informal agreement between the two of you that he will and that you will - I find that I tend to fly off the handle with DS when I'm tired and then we both get upset and it really helps having a little debrief when he's calmed down, he usually ends up apologising as well (without being prompted) and we both promise not to shout or whatever.

Is there any chance that he actually felt a bit poorly and has a sick bug? He might not be sad, just feeling ill and can't put it into words? You'll soon find out tomorrow!
Meanwhile, don't stress about it. He'll forget and you will find a better way to deal with him next time (if there is one - what you did doesn't sound 'bad' to me).

thanks for the sympathy and kind messages.

Actually he said he was hurting 'all around' before we started the wash and I just thought he was messing about but that could be his way of saying he felt sick.

pants.

Bertie - thanks for your good advice!

I'm also going to ask for a bit of help from dh at bedtime (he opts for dishwashing)

YY help with bedtime always a good idea! Can sometimes be hard to calm a child down if they're cross with you for imposing rules/boundaries on them. Send in the troops!

Might be an idea to get an emergency sick bowl by his bed then tonight, and all the towels you can find. I hope he's not ill :( but at least it would explain his overreaction.

He was ill.... Full bedchange required at 11.30 last night!

He has been fine today and we've had a lovely day. Have spent time just hanging out and joining in with his games today rather than trying to Get Stuff Done.

Had help with bedtime too tonight (not always possible as dh teaches or gigs some evenings)

thanks again for the advice