consequences and following through

[FlapjackGem]

9 yr old DD is due to go to brownie camp this weekend. She has been looking forward to it for ages and yesterday we went shopping for a new coat and backpack for the event.

Her attitude of late in general has been poor - rude, sulky and answering back etc. which I accept is partly hormonal/to be expected at this age however she has also been particularly unkind to her brother (7).

DH and I have repeatedely told her that to go to brownie camp she needs to watch her attitude and be kinder to DS1.

This morning, DD bit DS1 whilst I was busy settling DS2 to sleep. Both kids have been told to behave / play quietly whilst I am settling DS2 (6 months).
I heard DS1 scream and then come to me in tears. He showed me the bite mark and I was shocked. It has gone through his skin and there is visible bruising / redness. He was wearing short sleeved t-shirt and jumper at the time so bite severe enough to go through his clothing!

DD has never done this before ( to my knowledge). She is generally well behaved.

When I asked her to come and see me she came and straight away said " I haven't done anything!" I showed her the bite mark and she changed her story to " I didn't mean it ".

DS1 was being annoying and was pushing his way into her room. Amidst the pushing/ door slamming DD apparently lost it and bit DS2.

I have told DD that it is v unlikely she will be going to brownie camp but that I need to discuss with DH first. (DH is of the view that she will NOT be going) but he hasn't spoken to her yet / seen the bite.

I have had 4 x notes along the lines of "I am so sorry/ disappointed in myself / I love you / pls can I go to brownie camp. However, I feel that these are less about her genuine remorse and more about damage limitation for prospects of going to camp. She is currently playing nicely with DS2 (again prob due to her desire to get back in my good books than because of any guilt she feels).

She has yet to apologise, genuinely and remorsefully, to DS1.

So, the question is, do I let her go to brownie camp or do I follow through with consequences of her bad behaviour and say no.

Tricky, isn't it? I think biting is pretty nasty, lying about it is worse, and I'd probably cancel. As it happens I'm a cub leader and, in the last three years, I've had one example of a child's parents cancelling at the last minute due to his bad behaviour at school. He'd had three chances, apparently, and still misbehaved so they pulled out last minute and forfeited the full cost of the camp.

Alternatively, you could string it out until the end of the week. Keep the threat 'live', give her a chance to properly reform and make sure it's not just lipservice.

She's 9, you don't bite at that age - no trip. You will have a hellish weekend but she will know you mean business in future.

Thanks Cogito...

I truly feel sad for her as I know how much she wants to go.. first camp anf all her friends are going. However, I feel that if you give a consequence then you should follow through. Will speak to DH and see how we feel later on.

I probably would not have threatened no camp as a consequence but chosen something else (no tv, early bed, no pocket money for camp), that did not involve losing/wasting money.

Having said that, if you have already given her the 'no camp' consequence, I guess you have to follow through with it.

Fogie ; when DD asked if she could go to camp we said yes If you improve your attitude / be kinder to your brother. It was supposed to act as a carrot to improve behaviour. It was not a threat made in anger e.g. behave or they'll be no camp but an agreement to consciously improve behaviour and then the reward would be to get to go to camp. Guess biting is far ftom an improvement so I think I know the answer !

I think at age 9 I'd cancel the trip she's more than old enough to know that is wrong.

My dd is only a toddler though so I don't profess to be an expert on pre-teens!

Ooooo toughy I have DD(10yo) and if it was her, i think i would stop her going. No matter how annoying her brother was being, she did a horrible thing by biting him, not shoving him out of the way but biting him!!!!

I also think that it would be me feeling really bad about her not going (like you) but sometimes needs must.

Having also a DS(6yo) i know younger siblings can be buggers! and he certainly presses every button with his sister - so i would also have words with your son, he needs to also know that if his sister asks him not to go into her room, he should come away and find you (if need be) not keep pushing. DS getting into DD bedroom when not invited is like a red rag with my two and i have to intervine as soon as i hear raised voices otherwise all hell breaks loose