Starting again with DS2

[OrmIrian]

He's 8. He on the autistic spectrum and has mild dyspraxia but not what most people who recognise as SN. He will argue black is white. In fact he'd argue over the exact shade of black!

DH and I are really struggling with him. DS2 and DD struggle with him. DS1 makes loads of effort to do things with him and for him but eventually loses patience. DD doesn't waste time and loses patience with him straightaway DH and I have started shouting at him - which was never our way before. I hate it. DS2 hates it and I am sure he is less affectionate with us now. It is heartbreaking.

So I had a chat with DH this morning. Rules are going to be:

1. Early nights. This is one of the main issues. He won't/can't go to sleep. We can't make him sleep but we can be firmer making him go to bed and stay there.

1. NO shouting. Ever. It doesn't help and it makes everyone on edge.

1. More physical affection. More hugs. They do help to dissipate the anger.

1. Making up after every row. Touching base so we remember that we are on the same side.

Any more tips?

?

I am going to carry on with this for my own purposes, to keep a record, even if no-one else is interested...

Managed the not-shouting. Got him to bed reasonably early - not as early as it should be but an improvment. However he got out again and came to find me as he was in pain with a rash all over his chest. He'd been swimming today - gave him some piriton and put savlon cream on it.

Lots more hugs and tried to talk to him properly - ie listening and responding instead of just fending off questions while being busy doing something else.

It's a start.

No experience with a child on the spectrum. However, DD2 (now 10) has taught me to remember that 7-10 year olds are not always as grown up as they seem. They still need parental attention, DD2 still likes to be read to at night for example.
She can be unbelievably stubborn and uncooperative. Shouting at her doesn't help.
I'm not sure what does except ignoring her and trying to listen and talk to her when she's in a better mood.
I think too, that schools, clubs and the world in general expects a lot from primary aged DCs and does not give as much back as we got.
They are expected to behave and achieve, but where is the space to run wild, cycle about and just be a child.
Home is where they let out their frustrations. I think we just have to find a way to let them do it that doesn't drive us mad.
Good luck OP and a really big well done if you manage the not shouting I never will.

"Home is where they let out their frustrations. "

Yep! And i am always grateful that that is the case.He's OK in school mostly. Thanks startail.

Hi OP, sorry you got such little response. I think you've done sooo well regrouping and consciously trying to improve things with your ds. Every parent could do with trying to stick to your list!
One other thing, which hugely helped me through the other week when dh was away on business and I was by myself with dd1 (3) and dd2 (6months), was to look at every day as a new start and try and completely dismiss how disastrous the previous day/evening had been. I started each day with a whole new batch of optimism and it prevented me from ruining my mood and our day by assuming yesterday's misery will just carry on. Hth :)

Are you in touch with any kind of support groups? online or in the real world? I teach autistic boys and they are all different with their own set of quirks - what suits one wont suit another. I only started working with them two years ago - the training and reading I have done has been invaluable but the greatest support is regular discussion with colleagues comparing experiences and strategies to formulate a provision that is best for each child. Part of our programme is supervision where we get to talk through our own feelings and emotions ect as working with these children is emotionally demanding and we are NOT their parents!!!! Do you have an outlet like this? It is not reasonable to expect parents of children with special needs to do it alone!

Much respect to you - I can appreciate it is not easy - hope you have the support around you that you deserve.

Thanks.

nearlycooked - I'd love some sort of group of people to talk to. I am not sure how to go about that though. One of the worst side-effects of depression is that I have lost most of my network of local friends through simply not having the time or energy to keep them going Ooh feel that self-pity

jokat - I think that is such a good idea. I can so easily be pulled into a fog of despair by a bad day it can be hard to get out of it.

BTW I have reposted this on SN board think that this was going to sink without trace

Is there a special needs school for autistic children anywhere near you? They would be a focal point for everything local and would at the very least be able to point you in the right direction.

Does your son have a statement of special needs? Although these are like hens teeth to get! Having been a head of year in a secondary school foe 7 years I know how difficult it is to get good provision - if your son is considered borderline then he will not be prioritised for support. It's often those who shout loudest that get!

We are currently working towards gaining a kite mark for our school for autism and are working closely with the National AUtistic Society - don't know if you have checked out their site before but it is a gold mine of information?

www.autism.org.uk/