older mums/dads - what help??

[rattie77]

My DH and I are older parents (both 48), we have a 3.3 DS who we adore and grown up children ranging from 28 - 19. I am curious to see if other older parents have any practical support e.g.: babysitting etc?. Both our parents are dead so DS has no grandparents, we both have an older sister each but one lives miles away so never really see her and the other one is much older and has her own grandchildren to care for. Our other "children" have either fled the nest and have careers/own lives/live too far or in one case has their own family. We do still have 2 DS at home but one is a student/pt worker and the other has a f/t job. This means we have no support really - we cope well and are very happy, but sometimes it would be nice to go for a cofee or out for a meal and last week we had progress evening for our 19 year old at college and it was difficult to arrange care for our DS. DH and I have very little time together - he works long days and at evening times when we are not too tired it seems as soon as the little one goes to bed, one of the older ones come in and turn on tv etc. I get so enviuos of younger mums/dads whose GP help out both by way of babysitting and just generally being around and wandered what other older parents did?

I don't know about being an older parent especially but my DS only has one set of GPs that live 200 miles away and I've worked FT since he arrived. I've had to buy the support, basically. Childminders and pre/post school for daytimes, teenage neighbours for evenings. Grandparents have been very good about having him for a few weeks in the school holidays and on other occasions but, most of the time, I either have to hand over the £££s or stay home. I know your older children have their own lives but I think the ones that live with you should offer to help out more.

Can you afford to pay a babysitter? We are younger parents, but for various reasons have very little help. We got one of the girls that works at ds's nursery to babysit other week, worked very well as we know we can trust her, and she already knows ds.

I don't think this batch of issues is necessarily because you're older parents - plenty of people's parents are still alive when they're in their late forties so it's not because you're older that you don't have previous-generational support. TBH you might not have had it anyway. I'm 42, and neither my mother nor my PILs help out with babysitting.

What I think you may have forgotten, in the long gap in your family, is how to form networks with other parents - you may need to stop wishing for more family support and go about arranging some support from other parents of 3 year olds. Does your son attend nursery or a playgroup of any sort? How about a mutual arrangement with another family? We have friends down the road and we babysit for each other occasionally. Also I'm surprised that neither of your two DSs at home is willing to babysit occasionally for some pocket money.

And if it bothers you that your time with your DH is interrupted by your older DSs, do something about it - tell them you're having a quiet night together and they can either amuse themselves in their bedrooms or go out, but their presence is not required. They're plenty old enough to understand and respect your right to some privacy in your own house.

Yes ask at local nursery.
We used to have a lovely lady babysit from DD2s.
I too get really of people who have GPs and siblings on tap to child mind.
DDs parents are dead and mine are a reasonable distance away and not in the best of health.
My sister comes and Niece tames (my lot are too old to be baby sat now) once or twice a year, but it's an over night visit for her.

Think your 2 older still at home could help with at least one night per month babysitting. You're a family and they can contribute!

I'm 39 with a 5 year old, but have no family help. Dhs parents choose not to (big gap between ds and other grandchildren), and mine can't as they are too frail.

So, we pay for babysitters when we want to go out.

Did you have lots of help with your older children ?

we don't have any family help (and I have, um, 22 hours left of my 20s!). We don't go out, it's that simple! DS goes to the childminder or nursery when I'm at work, but any time together, apart from DS? sadly not an option.

That said, when DC2 arrives, my mum has said she may come and visit to help out for a week, and my grandmother is going to subsidise a cleaner for a few months to help us out, so we are not alone. Just nobody nearby. It's fine, we just spend a lot of time watching stuff on LoveFilm!

oh, have just seen you have older children - why can't they help out? I had to help with my siblings when we were younger, it's part of family life!

I am 40 DH 57, we have a blended family of 4 DSs age range 2 - 17 and I can really relate to your post OP.
My parents are either not interested or live in a different country, DH dad is far too old and the older DCs have a social life that does not include babysitting most of the time.
Socialising is not too bad for me as there are plenty of mums age 40- I go to play groups etc but I think DH finds it a lot harder as many assume he is DGP :(. Because of our unusual family it is very hard to find other parents that we actually have anything in common with.
The older boys love the toddler and they play wonderfully but they do not want any responsibility for him. We generally pay babysitters on the rare occasions that we go out at night. We have to spend a fortune on childcare when I work and it would be so nice to have GP's to help. As for coffee etc. we go with the toddler and he has been well trained

I'm 48, a solo mother with twin 10 yr olds. Solo mother by choice, so no father ever been in their lives nor another side of the father's family and my own parents have both ailed and died over the last 8 yrs. Never had any help at all except some paid help when twins were first born. Never been out really in 10 yrs +, as I also run a f/t business. No identified babysitter and DTs still too young to be left alone.

I think my mind set is that I just manage totally alone all of the time but in a situation where I HAVE to go out in the evening, I'd pay for a babysitter, I suppose. Otherwise I don't even think about my own needs anymore. As I'm self-employed, I can occasionally have a coffee with a friend during the day but as this also means loss of income, then that might be only once or twice a year really. Can your older DCs not occasionally babysit for you at all?

I'm waiting until mine are in mid to late teens before re-opening the social side of my life!! Otherwise, it's all about the DCs these days and work and not much else.

If it's really important to you to get out, invest in paid childcare, as you then have no sense of obligation to the babysitter - or, if inclined, have a reciprocal arrangement with friends with a DC the same age and alternate as each others' babysitter.

We are in a similar position. I'm 48 & Dh is 50. We have a DD of 4 and older children of 20-26. I'm surprised your older ones don't help TBH. When we first had DD we had 2 older children at home and for a bribe they could be persuaded to babysit for the odd evening or time on a weekend.

Now we live 200 miles away from 2 of ours, and another is a student so is only here during holidays. Even so he will watch DD/ take her to the park if I need some space. DD1 lives in the same town and if we have anything special on, as long as we give her enough notice she will come over to babysit.

We are quite lucky that grandma lives 30 mins drive away. She hasn't babysat as such but will have DD overnight if needed (recent hospital stay etc).

I agree with the others about asking the older ones to respect your privacy and give you time alone sometimes in the evenings. I know when DS is home from uni we do get to a point where I have to ask him to go upstairs because I just want to be alone for a bit, especially towards the end of his 2/4/6/10 week stay

Thanks for all your wonderful replies - seems I am not alone after all!. I agree that paid help does seem to be one answer - but as I am a SAHM we are reliant on DH sole income to provide so in reality we probably wouldn't be able to afford to go out for a meal and pay a babysitter. I am uncertain where I lie in older children babysitting. On one hand I agree that they should see it as part of family life etc and TBH I'm sure if I asked more they would at night anyway when he is asleep. I don't think they would in the day when he is his usual active self - we had a huge argument with them recently when both DH and I were really poorly and could hardly move - they never even asked us if we wanted a drink - let alone a hand with LO. On the other hand DS is mine and my husbands responsibility no-one elses and I would feel bad asking them to mind him as they either work f/t or study and have p/t job - they don't really need the money either.
DS does go to nursery a couple of afternoons to meet other children etc and though I say hello and pass the odd brief word with other parents, there is no opportunity to chat in depth. We did used to go to 2 toddler groups, but I was definetly older than the other mums and there was an awful lot of GP there instead of mums, I found them a bit cliquey really, but I am quite shy so that may be my fault?.

Probably not your fault ratty, The toddler groups I go to are cliquey too and I'm not really that shy just not from this area. Also there are a lot of GPs and childminders there. I am slowly working my way round and finding women I can relate to but its taking me a while and it is disheartening some weeks when there is no one to talk to at all.
I think that if your older DCs live at home still its not really a matter of whether they need the money but more a fact that they should still be active members of the family and take some responsibility within their family. I would have been very upset with DC if they had not helped while I was sick. They are all still at school and two of them are doing AS levels but they still have jobs that they are expected to do, daily or weekly. I do tend to utilise their female friends for babysitting there have to be some benefits to having two teenage boys :)

Yes agree Wailywailywaily, can be very disheartening to go to toddlers for a couple of hours and not really have a conversation with anyone. Have often come home from them feeling worse than when I went - at other times enjoyed them (but not often). DH was furious with our older 2 DS, he used to collect them both from work if they done an evening shift (10pm/11pm), but since the illness incident has flat out refused and they make their own way home. I have also stopped washing 19 year olds clothes as he is sooo lazy and untidy and at times really unpleasant to be around. Think this has made them both a bit more appreciative of us - time will tell?.23 year old does have a girlfriend who is a nursery nurse, but she lives about 16 miles away, so not always easy to get hold of, she also has a second job so is busy too.

It's not a huge issue, just miss talking/spending time with DH - like ships that pass in the night, but we accept it, just get a bit frustraed at times and wandered what others in this situation do?. We didn't really go out at all when the older DC were growing up, but had got used to a little bit of freedom before I had DS.

im 47 have 3 children sons 19 and 17 and a beautiful daughter of 4, like you we dont have any family to babysit, all our friends have older children and not intrested, first i was reluctant to leave her with teenagers thinking they wouldnt really look after her, but they proved me wrong, we now set a date once a month to go out for the evening and leave her with her brothers and or girlfriends and often if they are all at round on a weekend, we pop out for a quiet lunch, meet up for lunch when she was at nursery even better now she is at full time school, it can be difficult and lonely at times but we plan in advance and its something to look forward too xx

I am not quite clear why you feel bad about asking your older children babysit when you regret not having parents or siblings around- implying that you wouldn't feel bad about asking older relatives for help. Personally, I'd feel better about asking for a bit of help from the young and fit and from someone who actually lived with me so got plenty of help and support from me.

I am the same age as you, with both parents still living but (along with the rest of my family) at the other end of the North Sea. I have no qualms about asking my 15yo to look after her younger brother for an evening and though he admittedly is old enough not to need much looking after I don't feel I would feel any different about it if he were 3.

Yes, of course your older children have their own lives, but so would your parents or siblings if they were at hand.

I am pretty much your age, with a 6 year old and a 2 year old. We have a lot of help from my mum, who thankfully didn't leave childbearing as late as me - she is a VERY young 70 and has more energy than me.

My MIL and FIL were also older parents and obviously now are far too elderly and frail to do any kind of childcare. I know they feel very sad that they can't be active grandparents. It has made me kind of hope my girls are young mums...

It's tough if you have no support. Hope you find a solution.

I suppose I am not really confident leaving my sons in charge, though I have no evidence to support my worries. I happily have left him with my daughter and her partner (28) and my other son and his wife(25), neither whom have children yet.I think it would ease my mind if they had a girl/partner around to help them should they need it. Reading this back sounds really negative, and my sons are great with him, but they get bored by him and don't seem to have the maturity my older children have. I know they will look after him, but I want them to want to be with him and entertain him/play with him not just leave him to his own devices which I think they would do after a while.

In respect to missing older relatives, I am aware that should indeed our parents be alive they would be in late 70s/80s now and not able to care for him. I should have stressed that I miss having the idea of GPs, - just someone who wants to spend time with him, has a keen interest in him, gets pleasure from him, what my older kids had. As I said in an earlier post, my parents never babysat of an evening, they were quite old school and believed that a parents place was at home whilst kids were little, but they would certainly help out if we needed to go somewhere in the day and they adored their grandchildren.My PILs were younger and were brilliant at palying with the kids and taking them out on adventures, I didn't appreciate them at the time but I am so sad that my LO won't have these experiences.

I think really it is my hangup that I don't ask my two who are at home, I just don't want to leave LO with someone who doesn't really want to mind him and wish there was a wonderful someone who did, but I suppose that is what everyone wants. There are clearly solutions to be had, thank you for all your replies - they have given me room for thought.

We are also older parents. Dh has 3 grown up children, two of them with their own children. Only my mother is still alive and is too frail to babysit. We have 3 ds's, 16, 14, and 5 and have no help. Our 16 year old has sn so can't really help out but ds2 is great and will look after his brother for short periods during the day if I need to pop out. He will take him to the park to give me a bit of space and has looked after him one evening (when he was asleep) to let us go to a neighbours for a meal. I do pay him and I'm sure he will help more as he gets older.