thinking of leaving 9mo for 5 days to go abroad?? not sure...

[titferbrains]

Big bday for my DM this yr and she is going abroad for 5 days, and she would like me to be with her (and her group of friends). She won't be hurt if I don't go, just sad. I would really like to go but as DS is only only 22 weeks now, I have no idea how he will be when I go, or how I will feel!! Need to book the tickets for travel etc or else it will be quite expensive. Am mixed feeding but supply is dropping off now so unlikely to still be bfing at that stage, and if I am still bfing I expect it will be for comfort more than actual feeds. DH has said he can take time off to look after kids.

Anyone else left their baby for this long at 9mo? How was it for you/baby?

Cant understand why you cant all go if it's a family birthday/holiday? I couldn't leave mine overnight now and she's 17 months. Actually probably wont want to leave her overnight till she's about 13... I just don't get why you'd want to. Mum's an adult, she must be able to make do without you!

I can't understand how anyone's Mum could even expect them to leave their baby behind for a holiday?

I cant understand why people think their baby couldnt possibly survive without them but there we are each to their own.

I can't think of a nicer way to say this - but really?? You couldn't cope with leaving your child for a few days? You'd miss them too much to leave them? You really need to find yourself and not simply define yourself by the title 'Mum'. They wont dissolve if you leave them for a few days, their world will not end and it's a shame you think it will, that you need this to define you.

I don't think it's a case of thinking a baby can't possibly survive without them. I think it's just that some people feel, well.... that perhaps it's perfectly natural to want to spend as much time as possible with them. My DS has always been sociable, happy to go to anyone, not at all clingy and very confident. I am not an over-possessive mother. But i enjoy my time with him and would rather do things as a family, that involve him. I suspect many others feel the same way.

But to the point of never doing anything else? Of course they are the centre of your world, of course you want to spend a lot of time with them, but to be completely unable to spend a few days away from them? To feel you couldn't cope not being with them for a few days? To me, that's just not healthy.

I'm firmly in the do what feels right for you camp. There's no point other people telling you what you should/shouldn't do.

And not wanting to leave a 9 month old doesn't mean you're defining yourself as merely a mother. That's a reductive and rather simple view of people who do thinks differently to yourself. I couldn't have left my 9 month old as she was bfed and there wasn't a hope in hell I could have expressed enough milk to sustain her for 5 days without me. And it was an important time in terms of attachement. I wasn't ready to leave her and it wasn't right for her not to have me around. That is utterly normal. For us.

I don't understand where this assumption of 'never doing anything else' comes from. Plenty of people have nights away, evenings/ days out away from their children. In short, they do have lives and are not 'defined' by motherhood. But 5 days, especially at 9 months, is, to me, a step too far. And if it's unhealthy to feel that way then i sure as hell don't want to be healthy.

Incidentally i'm a FT working mum, with a career. So 'never doing anything else' doesn't quite ring true with me. But then perhaps it's because i cherish the time i do spend with my DS that i am reluctant to give any more of it away.

OP, are the replies helping you to make your decision? I think that it does depend on the indjvidual, and how they feel, my DD is 6 months and i can barely relax to have a half hour swim by myself! And it's not that i am only defined by motherhood, I do loads of other things for myself I just tend to do them when DD is in close proximity to me, and I don't feel this desperate need to get away with her for 'me' time, because I love spending time with her. My Dd is starting to get seperation anxiety and now if she is in a strange place only with her dad or someone else she does cry for me. (strange cos. he can carry her in a moby wrap all the time wondering about, and she doesn't mind that.) So I couldn't leave her if she was feeling Sep anxiety, (maybe it depends on the baby) if she didn't have the Sep anxiety I think I would be much more comfortable to leave her.

I wouldn't because DS at 9 mo is still very reliant on boob and won't settle at night for anyone else.

I have, however, looked after babies when parents have been away for business or for a weekend and they've been fine. They adapt well especially if they already know the carer, although 5 days is long. I'd be prepared for a little bit of coolness/uncertainty when you come back though

Hey, instead of going 4 the 5days, why not 3days? A bit shorter, and less time off 4 ur dh 2 take from work, plus normally the 1st few days of a party like holiday are the best (well they are in my experience), and then make sure you write down all the kids routines etc 4 yr dh, so he won't need 2 constsantly ring you, like my dh does when I leave the house 4 2hrs. go have some fun and me time. I'm a sahm and find it soooooooo boring. I wish I could go away 4 a few days. I was very jealous when my sil went 2 Singapore 4 a wk (I live in Oz). Would loved 2 have gone, but dd2 was only 3mo at the time :( x

I went on holiday for a week when my oldest was 5mths. Had to take my breast pump with me! Think I felt more anxious then him. He stayed with his dad & at 11 has no idea! Go & enjoy yourself. You're not just a mum. Btw he's the only one I didn't have post natal depression with. I think as my first I realised I still had a life.
GO!

I couldn't have gone away for five days when DS was nine months. I was still breastfeeding though.

Clearly, this is very individual as I have friends who gave left younger babies for a week to go on holiday with their partners, which would be beyond me, but I appear to be in the minority.

I don't get why not leaving a 9mo for 5 days means you have no life, and define yourself only as a mother, etc. They are babies fir such a short length of time. If you were saying you don't want to leave your twelve year old with their dad for a few days, you might have a problem.

Reading all these replies makes me realise that I will probably go in the end as long as I am happy with arrangements for his care. I have CM to look after both kids 2 days a week and have already left DS for a few hours at a time and he has been fine. I have always believed it best for my kids to get to know lots of people and feel comfortable with not having me around hence letting CM look after him and not panicking about "only mum" can settle baby etc. I think better to book tickets and if he really does seem to be having massive sep anx ishoos then I'll cancel last minute.

BTW no pressure from my mum to go, and it's a special event for her that I'd like to be a part of as she doesn't normally do much for bdays.

That sounds like a great plan :)