Oh god - DH wants baby no 2 & DS is only 16 weeks old

[cravingcake]

My DH and I have both said that we want 2 children and our first DS arrived 16 weeks ago after a rather traumatic birth (very briefly it was forceps, shoulder dystocia, 4th degree tear, episiotomy after long labour). I am dealing with this and now have it in writing that my next child is highly recommended to be born by ELCS, which has put my mind at ease that I could do this again.

What i really want to know is what is a ideal managable age gap between babies. There is a lot for us to consider, as an example we ideally dont want a baby that is late in the school year (June, July or August time), it took 3 months to conceive first time so how long would it take next time, I'm still healing from a 4th degree tear, I'm breastfeeding and would quite like my body back sometime soon as DS has sucked the life out of it and the main thing that I dont feel ready to go through all this again just yet but do like the idea of having our children close together. We are very lucky that DS is a very good 'text book' baby and is feeding well, sleeping like an angel etc etc (I'm well aware this could change any day).

Any thoughts and advice and experience is greatly welcome.

how old are you - af you are under 35 I wouldn't worry too much - I would give it a few months before even considering - and I personally wasn't ready until my DS1 was 2

I'm 31, DH just turned 36 so although we dont feel time is against us, we do want our kids reasonably close together. I think realistically I just dont want to have a 4 or 5 yo and then try for baby no 2 and have to go through the whole baby stage thing again.

Congratulations on the birth of your DS!

What is a manageable gap for one family is completely unmanageable for others. I think it completely depends on your circumstances and preferences.

(By the way, I'm not sure why you don't want a baby late in the school year - there are plenty of summer born children who never felt it did them any harm or held them back in any way, eg me with a June birthday (Cambridge graduate), or DH with a July birthday (1st class undergrad degree, PhD)). I actually ideally wanted Spring / summer born children because then the weather was more likely to be nice for birthday parties !

There is no ideal gap.

Medically speaking, there is some evidence that babies conceived earlier than 6 months after the previous birth, have a higher risk of premature birth.

Other than that, close age gap = v hard work for the first 2-3 years, but then you're done and they can turn out to be lovely playmates for each other.

Larger gap is a bit easier, but may lead to more sibling rivalry and it can be a shock to the system to have to 'start again'.

Congratulations on the arrival of you LO - sounds like you have been through the mill.

Congrats on your baby.

I think you should chill a bit and let nature decide! particularly what month they are born in! we should be grateful when life is given to us surely?

I couldn't consider my second until dd1 was 3, then nature made us wait another year til we conceived so 4 year age gap. Then we had dd3 another 3 years later followed by ds4 15mths later. The last close age gap was very hard physically whilst they were both young and not walking ( so carrying into cars etc became a complicated jigsaw keeping the other one safe) But they are best buddies, and being toddlers together is lovely as they entertain each other. I suppose it was harder for me having two others in addition!

But really you can never predict because so much is dependant on their personalities.

Relax and see what life gives you ;)

BTW most hospitals do a service where you go throught your notes- it can be very helpful from recovering from a difficult birth expereince at least I found it so - personally from my observation between 18 months and 2 years can work well - and people seem to be quite fertile at about 9-10 months after a baby -its hard work thought or 3 year gap -2 1/2 year gap can be a bit tricky just in terms of reaction of older one
I have 4 year gap - but they do love each other and play together quite a lot

Thanks for your replies. We do also have 2 dogs so some days its like having 3 babies with the dogs demanding my attention as well as DS but we are coping ok. I'm also very lucky that DH works from home and so I have a lot of support from him and also one set of grandparents very nearby who are more than happy to help out (other set live in NZ but help as much as they can just by being there for me to talk to).

I think the school year thing is that both of us were early school year babies and our friends that were late in their school year feel they are behind. Its not such a big thing really in the grand scheme of things as you point out wigeon but i think we would probably try to avoid having a baby at that time of year if possible. As in we would decide to TTC but then take necessary precautions to avoid a baby arrival at the time of year.

Pacific I have been through the mill but having seen a post natal gynae recently things are healing really well and I do feel lucky that so far its looking like I wont have any long term problems.

I do want to give my body a chance to recover before TTC again.

anothername we did do the birth discussion thing where you go through your notes and it was very helpful but didnt answer one question I still have which was why they let my epidural run out and not top it up when it was time to push (so 3 hours of the most excrutiating pain in my life).

Hattie11 I do feel very lucky to have my DS already and once I feel ready then realistically whenever a 2nd DC came along we would feel blessed. Its just a preference if we can help it.

re epidural - its not that unusual to let it drop off in pushing phase -I think there are reasons why - you could possibly post in the childbirth section if you want to dicuss a bit more