How to break the habit of carrying your child to settle him/her...

[amster66]

We are first time parents and had a boy almost 3 months ago. He is an average, typical, normal, nearly-3 month old... eats, poops and sleeps. My wife has developed a habit of carrying him and bouncing around the room to settle him. Last night it was for an hour and a half! I am gently trying to encourage her to break this habit for obvious reasons, that we should try to encourage him to settle himself by putting him down in his cot (if possible). I don't want this to develop into something worse and at the same time find it hard to approach the subject with my wife because the response I always get is 'Well if you want to stand there and listen to him cry for 20 minutes be my guest.'. Already he will only settle when being carried by her and not me, something he didn't used to do. In one way I defy any parent to not bounce/carry their child when it's 2am and they are unsettled but there must be a tried and tested way out of this. I am at work all day and she is with him while on mat leave so I also get it in the neck for not understanding because I've not spent all day with him - no fault of mine.

Q. Is this worth worrying about?
Q. From experience can anyone please advise on how to break this habit?
Q. As a husband, how can I tackle my wife with this 'potential' problem?

MTIA

I used to rock my first to sleep in a similar way and the amount of time it took was longer and longer and longer. Then DD1 would wake as soon as I put her down. I made the decision that things needed to change so I went through a period of pick up put down in order to get her to self settle in her cot. Little ones adapt quickly and they can relearn the cues they use to go to sleep e.g rocking, bouncing etc. I found it easier to tackle whilst on mat leave rather than when you get back to work. I would just say to her that youbare concerned about her and how tiring it is as the dependency of her is growing. Emphasise the good points of changing it in that you will get more time together, she will get a bit of free time while you take turns putting little one to bed. 3 months is still diddyso don't worry too much but this worked for me

I don't think you should worry too much about the carry/bounce settling method. Anything that gets them to sleep in these first months is valid and it's unlikely to become a habit. Although, if it's taking an hour and a half, it's probably worth trying out other ones as well. Nothing is 'tried and tested' - all babies are different. Some like motion.... being pushed in their pram or buggy, a car-seat, a rocking cradle, pram rocked back and forth etc. You might find a different carrying position helps. Having had a baby that was full of more wind than a space-hopper and who wouldn't settle until it had all gone, I can recommend dangling them over one shoulder or one arm, or holding them upright under the arms and patting their backs. Some babies like a bit of noise before they settle... a too-quiet environment keeps them awake and they love the sound of vacuum cleaners or radios.

As for 'tackling your wife'... listen and empathise rather than wading in with solutions. That is not what she wants. Offer to let her rest for the weekend, for example, and take him off her hands. Then go for a long walk with the buggy so, if it doesn't go well, she doesn't have to listen. :) On your return you report that he was 'as good as gold'...etc.

1. No it is not worth worrying about. Your baby is very young yet.

1. You don't need to break the habit. As he grows bigger and older his needs will change and you can adapt to them as that happens. My youngest was breastfed to sleep for over 12 months. Then she didn't need or want to fall asleep straight after feeding or sleeping so she was cuddled or rocked. Then from about 2o months she liked to fal asleep on or next to someone downstairs away from noisy siblings. Now at 2 and quarter she's settling each night in her bed with one of us sitting next to her for 5-10 mins. The time will come, possibly in the near future, where we will kiss her goodnight and go downstairs and leave her to it, but only when she's ready. No need for tears, they all grow up at their own rate.

1. Don't. Be supportive instead. Read "Why Love Mattters" by Sue Gerhardt and "What Mothers do" by Naomi Stadlen. Buy some parenting books by William Sears if you want practical tips.