Please help me - temporary (I hope) single mother and struggling, running on empty

[Cristiane]

I wondered if I could have some advice. My DH is not doing well and has bad depression, he has gone back to his dad?s in his home country for a while. I am still working full time but I am taking the odd day off when I have childcare issues. I feel like I am running on empty.

The problem is the kids sleeping.

DD2 has been quite ill over the winter, hospitalised for three days at one point. She has a wheeze. She lurches from one cold to another. There seems hardly any time in between when she is completely well. She wakes up in the night and is so used to coming into my bed. Particularly when she has a cold or cough I think it is good to keep an eye on her. So she does come in, and generally sleeps quite well, but obviously it is wriggly. She is in the process of dropping her daytime nap, but it?s a bit hit and miss. Sometimes I think she is too tired to get herself off to sleep nicely, other times she is fine. She is 2.5 yrs old.

DD1, on the other hand, has trouble going to sleep. She has a full day at school, home for dinner, sometimes an activity like gymnastics and library trip or whatever, then dinner. I get home about 6 and we do a bath and stories and cuddles. They share a room. Usually DD2 settles, while DD1 goes to living room, and then DD1 and I read a book together and I try to get her to go to bed. She will lie in bed and just NOT go to sleep. She occasionally comes out of the room, but she can lie there for a good hour or two before she comes out and she is still awake.

I have tried letting her read, listening to stories on her CD player, being strict and just taking her back without a word, but I genuinely think she finds it hard to go to sleep. How can I help her? What do I do?

At the moment it means that I get home, do kids stuff, try to make myself something to eat, and have about 20 mins to myself, putting DD1 to bed in the middle of it. Then I try to go to bed myself and usually DD1 is in my bed by that point, and then I try to read or something, DD2 will wake up, and she comes in, and that?s my night. I don't sleep that well, at the best of times, and so by the time I am asleep it will be midnight, I will wake a few times in the night, they both sleep like helicopters. I get up for work at about 6am.

I know I need to take control but how? DD2 can get ill quite quickly and need inhalers etc so I feel I can?t leave her to cough and moan, and DD1 ? well maybe she needs reassurance now her father is away? How much sleep does a six year old need? I don?t know what to do!

All I know is with DH having been ill for about 2 years now I was already running on empty and now it feels worse. There is all the house stuff to do too ? laundry, cleaning etc. I get internet deliveries which helps. I am just so tired.

Is there any chance you coukd reduce your working hours?
Is your dh getting sickness benefit or helping out at all financially
What a terrible situation for you
I'd be inclined to ring his father and ask him when he thinks dh will be coming back as you are really struggling
Running away isn't going to help him sort out his problems

Can you afford a cleaner? If not - just leave it. Do the absolute bare minimum to keep things hygienic - the rest can wait until things improve, which will happen.

So the biggest problem seems to be DD1 not going off to sleep. She's bound to be unsettled, but the current set up will become more "normal" for her quite quickly. What worked best for me was the taking back without a word approach - and spelling out that I needed to sleep too, I couldn't wave a magic wand and make child sleep and that if child is awake she stays in the bedroom.

I thing part of the issue could be that you're not getting any time to do your own thing, and so you're never switching off and properly relaxing. Is there something you could do (any hobbies) between the girls going up and you going to bed? Even if it means you're in bed a bit later, if you're that much more relaxed you'll get to sleep earlier and might have a better quality night.

Not really as am sole breadwinner. Been working for nearly a year and just on verge of maybe getting promotion which would make huge difference as a bit more pay would mean we coudl get a cleaner etc.

DH did get incapacity benefit but was then ruled 'fit to work' (along with about 90% of depressed people) although he definitely not fit to work.

He has gone back because it was hard having him here and I really wanted him to see some new doctors as I think the NHS therapy and medication has been crap - he has got worse over two years, not better. He isn't running away, he is just trying a new approach I guess.

I also underestimated how hard it would be.

hassled

DD1 came out last night saying she just felt like crying and had a big sore lump in her throat, so I let her come in to my bed last night.

Normally I do want to stay up later but, for example, last night, DD2 starts crying then won't be comforted back into her cot so I end up taking her into my bed... and then try to get her to sleep and lying there with the light off. Then I might try and get the light on and read, but they are like limpets and when I try to get up they wake up.

I am sorry I am just being pathetic aren't I

Can you get the girls to help you clean, get washing together etc before they go to bed? Wear them out a bit?

Even the baby can wave a duster around. The bigger one could hoover for you? Or sort washing piles?

I am sorry that you have been left to deal with everything. :(

You're not being pathetic at all - it all sounds desperately hard for you. I know it just sounds like a trite platitude, but it will get easier. They won't always be this work.

this hard work

Have you seen the doctor about both DC's? Just wondering about underlying health issues such as asthma in the younger, the difference inhalers made to our DC as roughly the same age was astonishing. As for the elder she's probably too young but my friends doctor prescribed her DC some anti-histamines when she went though a patch of not sleeping. I'm really trying to think of anything that would get them sleeping so that you can.

Do you have any good friends with children, or family to hand? I've been in a similar position for different reasons so if I knew a friend was struggling in this way I'd be happy to have the kids at the weekend so you could catch up on some sleep, or go and do something for yourself on your own (amazing what that can do for you), or help with the housework. If you can bring yourself to ask, do.

Are your children at nursery or with a childminder? Would they be willing to have them an extra hour here and there (if you can afford it).

I agree with those who say, let the housework slide a little, it took me a while but I finally accepted I couldn't do it all to the standard I would like and prioritised like this:

1. We all eat enough moderately decent food (even if all the sauce comes out of jars or it all goes in the microwave, this is not forever).
2. We all sleep enough (I appreciate this is your biggest problem, especially working around work).
3. We have clean undies then after that have clean topwear.
4. Food prep areas are decently hygenic.
5. Bathroom isn't a health hazzard.

I learned to accept that everything thing else, for that period of my life was "would be nice" rather than "must have", I nearly drove myself batty before I got there though.

That's a good list. I agree

I hadn't thought of taking DD1 to doctor. It might be worth just talking her through. How much sleep does a 6 year old need?

DD2 is on brown inhaler, blue and Montelukast crystals too.

Brown inhalers and blue I know, have to say Montelkast was new to me so I've just looked it up!

Please forgive me if I am about to teach my grandmother to suck eggs....

Does DD2 have allergies to go with her asthma? Is it possible that she is allergic to house dust mites? If so has anyone suggested hoovering her matress, hot washing her sheets and reducing her cuddly toys down to one favorite who has an occasional winter holiday in the freezer see here and more Asthma UK website. I have also heard that it is a good idea to turn down covers on the beds so that they can air during the day.

When DC has had a bad cold/chest infection that is affecting her asthma I have occasionally been given oral steroids for her over a couple of days to boost her up.

She's probably too young for a peak flow metre but ask when she can have one because you can moniter her lung function and develop an action plan with the asthma nurse so that you know when to up blue inhalers and see if a really bad dip is coming so you can have pro active doctors visits.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnd I managed to press "post" without pressing "post", weird...

Propping my DC's matress up sometimes helps so that she is not lying completely flat and turning her onto her side if she's on her back too.

If you want her in the same room as you when she is poorly but find the wiggling a chore could you get an extra bed in there for a little while?

Sorry, that's a lot to throw at you, don't worry about replying .

I don't know if she has any allergies! How can I monitor that?

I will do a big vacuum and in fact you may have swung my next decision on a vacuum cleaner - might get the HEPA filter one that Miele does.

Poor DD2 has had lots of courses of oral steroids.

How old is your DD? Is she better now?

6yo need 9-12hrs kip,but it will vary

my dp has depression(reason why he lives alone and visits).it can impact the kids and unsettle them.one my dd becomes quite clingy when dad(or mum) arent on the ball.consistency with routines helps as will the fab advice outlined about with asthma/housework

it is bloody hard and i truly feel for you.

Doing it all by yourself is very tiring and different people cope with it in different ways.

Mine is to be ruthlessly organised. Everything organised the night before for the morning. Everything where it needs to be, so I don't waste time trying to find things. Get into a washing routine, so you wash one day & hang out to dry the next. Online groceries is fantastic, so great that you are using that.

If you need to vacuum regularly, try and do a room a day, so it is only a couple of minutes work each day, rather than a marathon session.

With your older DD, could you allow her to stay up a bit later if she has so much trouble falling asleep. This has to be quiet time, where she reads and she has to understand that you have jobs to do.

I'm not sure there is much you can do about DD2 at the moment, given her health issues.

Make sure you eat enough.

I hope this won't sound harsh, but accept that it is going to be tiring & that you will have very little time for yourself. Generally speaking, I have an hour to an hour & a half to myself in the evenings from 9pm to 10.30pm. In that time I do my own thing, watch tv, do an exercise DVD, lie in the bath. That is my time & I make the most of it.

Could you put DD2's mattress on the floor in your room - settle her in her 'new' bed at bedtime, then you can keep an eye on her without the wriggling being too much of an issue.

That way DD1 gets sole use of the girls' bedroom. You can do her bedtime story etc. with her snuggled in bed. Maybe a bit of back stroking (or in the case of my DD, ear stroking ) to help her relax while you have a nice calm, dark time for her to raise any problems she wants to talk about.

My 8yo DD needs 11 hours a night. She can function on less, but really starts to struggle. Her little brother needs at least the same amount of sleep. It is really hard to settle them both in a timely fashion on my own.

That doesn't sound harsh at all bugsy, and I think your ideas to let DD1 stay up and read or something in the living room while I get on with things is great. That way she won't disturn DD2 and she won't be getting up and down. We will chat about it tonight.

I get you on the organisation, I just need the energy to do it! I admire you. I will try to get some more done tonight- it was just a lot of to-ing and fro-ing with the DDs last night.

Have got into the washing routine and will try to get back into doing one room at a time for cleaning. Did some 'flying' last month so some of the habits have stuck. Also last two nights have been bulk making some food so already have next three dinners sorted.

Writing this I realise I have been doing quite a lot and trying not to give myself a hard time.

zoo all hugs greatfully received. I think DD is getting 8.5 hours atm. I will see if I can make tonight calmer, and let her go to bed a bit later than usual, but tired and happy instead of tearful.

Can I just say without it sound patronising or anything that I am in complete awe of single mothers.

Nearly 9 years of practice Cristiane! Gets easier with every year.
Hope your DH feels better soon & give yourself some credit for managing very well.

On the allergy front our Doctor has simply assumed she has them because both parents have them (but only my husband is asthmatic). DH is allergic to various pollens, house dust mite poo (lov-er-ly) and we think rodents. He found out about the first two when he was a child and they did a skin prick test for common alllergens and the last one because he started to cough, sneeze and wheeze one night and in the morning we found a mouse in bits under the bed. I'm definitely allergic to grass pollen, didn't get tested as standing in the middle of hayfields with my eyes swollen shut with my nose running like a tap gave it away .

I have asked our Doctor wether she should be tested and he's said no point because of the family history, safe to assume she has them but if you have no family history it might be worth asking at least.

Our DD's Asthma is much better controlled, she can actually catch a cold without getting a chest infection now, but it's taken 6-7 years to get here., I did find that information was drip fed by medical proffessionals, initially we based what to do on what my DH has been doing since he was a kid but that turned out to be wrong!

Have you had an appointment with the Asthma nurse at your practice, assuming there is one? They can be better than a general practitioner.

Generally Asthma UK is a good place to start for information, they have an asthma nurse helpline that I haven't used but could be worth a go.

Sorry about lumbering you with more hoovering, just when we are all trying to save you work!