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Parenting

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Original poster

Do you feel you favour one child over another - how do you deal with it?

8 replies

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 06/02/2012 22:28

Have two DSs - DS1 is nearly six, DS2 is coming up to three. DS2 is at a very charming stage and has always been a glass half full sort of child - very happy and engaging and very cuddly and affectionate. Also exceptionally good at diverting attention to himself and monopolise me and DP when he wants it.

DS1 is at quite a tricky age, lots of confrontation, lots of boundaries being tested, a huge amount of whinging. He's always been a more grumpy character, very bright and clever and funny but also very bossy and quite demanding.

I really worry that I treat them differently - I feel I dish out more cuddles and kisses to DS2 because he's more receptive to them and very cute at the moment - DS1 is quite prickly, iyswim.

Today DS2 isn't well so I was tucking him up on the sofa in a blanket, and DS1 said 'Mummy, why does DS2 get all the good things?'. So I asked what he meant and he said 'You're always nice to DS2'.

I felt really guilty. I just said that I was being extra nice to DS2 because he wasn't well, and put DS1 on my lap and gave him a cuddle and said I was extra nice to him when he wasn't well as well, wasn't I? He said yes, but he's asked that question once before, when he was whinging for Britain on the way to the park and I was running out of patience completely.

I feel like I'm always telling DS1 off at the moment and I can see how he feels, but am not sure how to deal with it.

Has anyone had similar experiences? Did it pass? I'm under no illusions that DS2 will soon be a grumpy three year old, it's just right now he's ridiculously cute and it's difficult not to notice or delight in it.

Oh bum.

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Hassled · 06/02/2012 22:40

I don't treat my DCs the same, because they aren't the same - they have such different personalities that of course I respond differently to them. One of the four is quite obviously the most like me in personality, which both delights and infuriates me. And one has always been the sunniest, the most positive, and of course you react positively to that.

What I have tried to do is always have some one to one quality time with each child once in a while. It makes such a difference. Can you organise that? Do a bit of re-bonding next weekend, without DS2? If you can have some fun with them, even if you're faking the fun aspect a bit, then everything else seems easier afterwards - it's so easy to get stuck in the "vaguely negative about everything" cycle.

Whirliwig72 · 07/02/2012 16:54

Yes I'm guilty of this -my 3 year old ds1 is such hard work at the moment. Ds2 is a sweet, easy going baby of 5 months and secretly I prefer spending time with him. I think the key is to not to beat yourself up too much, all relationships go through ups and downs and it would be impossible to love two people in exactly the same way or to like them the same amount. I agree with hassled - having one on one time is a good idea. Also try to keep things as equal as possible ie share out the cuddles etc. Oh and never let on that you prefer one over the other!

MyBaby1day · 07/02/2012 18:44

Have no baby yet (hence my username) and when I do have I only want one BUT I am always talking about favourites to friends. A lot of people I know do have a favourite some have even admitted it to me. It's an interesting subject. I think with the OP you are just more find as he's got the sunnier nature at the moment but it's sad if people show it too much....extra cuddles for DS1 I think!! . If I had have had 2 or more I can't say I wouldn't have had a favourite but I'de try hard not to show it, that's the point I think. Anyway your FAVOURITE poster is off now!! LOL

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MyBaby1day · 07/02/2012 18:45

sorry I ment you are more FOND of DS1!!

Original poster

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 09/02/2012 20:05

Sorry i meant to come back to this but have been away working and got caught up! Thank you for messages, i think you're all right, there's no point feeling guilty. I have tried to give ds1 some extra attention over the past couple of days and it seems to be helping.

Also, i think ds1 is a bit under the weather hence feeling a bit miserable. He seems to have cheered up quite a lot! Thank god for half term.......

OP posts:

Tryharder · 09/02/2012 21:37

I am in a similar situation to you OP and I feel guilty about it as well. DS2 is such an uncomplicated, sunny child and DS1...well, he's more challenging, shall we say.

I don't know what to suggest, really. I do try and spend extra time with DS1 as he's much easier when it's just me and him as a lot of his bad bahaviour seems to be him competing for attention with DS2 and DD.

boglach · 09/02/2012 21:45

I have a nearly six year old and he would test the devil himself. I don't love him less but there is only so much poo, bum and willy I can listen to

Mumofjz · 10/02/2012 20:27

i wouldn't say i have a favourite, but i have a have a DD10 and DS6 and depending on their moods each are my favourite at different times, DS can be the devil in carnate at times but is so loveable and very funny that i love being in his company (most of the time) but DD is so thoughtful and at a lovely age, trying to become a "grown up girl" that's she's a pleasure to spend time with until she moans and whinges over the slightest little things and kicks up all mighty fusses. if you find yourself favouring one over teh other whilst in both companies, make sure you say/do something aimed at the other :)

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