8yr old with anger issues.desperate for advice.im cracking

[liveinazoo]

my dd2 is 8 in april.she has always been stubborn and string willed.in last 2 years its become increasingly angry
i believe we have bonding issues-i had very severe pnd after ds was born(she was 18mnths when he arrived) and i withdrew and was very,very ill for quite some time.ds was breastfed and had a difficult birth then severe health issues (he was discovered to have gene problems at a yr old-he was unable to sit up til then,walked at 2,struggled with speech and had poor muscle tone.endless rounds speech aand physio support,meetings at child development clinic and then 6mnthly check ups with peadatrition
during all thi stime i can see now that she was on a back burner.ds took lots effort and dp has never lived with me.dd1 went to live with her dad during this time so she lost her sister too(she was 8 and they were very close)
fast forward 6yr.have another dd(4) and dd2 has had moments of being very loving and to the point of suffocating me-following to the loo,night waking and sleep my bed for 3months
2 weeks ago she reverted back to attitude and anger when ds had a very bad throat infection and a week off school
tonight we have walked in the door and she has pushed ds over and slapped him "for be in her way".slapped dd3 for no reason and reduced ds to tears making fun of him and slap again.

i got angry and shouted as she has stopped listening to me.she shouted back.i sent to her room.she screamed at me.launched all contents shoe cupboard around hall,stamped upstairs and bang and crash indicates continuing to wreck havoc in her and dd3 room.

i am at my wits end with it all.i feel so frustrated she cant communicate with me i find myself feeling very angry and helpless handling her.guilt is overwhelming and i hate myself

if anyone can offer any words of advice to a very unhappy little girl and her exasperated mum i would be very very grateful as im reaching the point where i dont feel i can cope anymore

TIA

p.s sorry its sucvh a long post but i think background was relevant

shamelessly bumping myself hoping someone can offer advice/support

If you think it is related to early attachment then perhaps you could try an approach we use in school with children who have attachment disorders. Is she struggling at school too? Have you spoken to the teacher? Does the school have a nurture base? We use a profile called a Boxhall to determine which aspects of nurture need support then design activities to support the child in developing a sense of security. Your SENCO should be able to advise you. The Ed Psych attached to your school should also be able to give advice. Hope some of this is useful.

I think this is less about attachment and more about attention-seeking. She's one of many & sees that the children who are very young or very sick get all your time. She's not the eldest, not the youngest, not sick and therefore - in her eyes - not 'special'. I wouldn't be surprised if she felt overlooked or second-best and that's why DS being sick with a sore throat - demanding your attention again - acted as a trigger. So she is alternating between being 'a baby'... excessively needy and demanding... and being excessively difficult, in order to get your attention. If I read it right there are no other adults living at home - it's all you? Whether you're smiling at her or shouting at her, she will be happy as long as she's centre stage.

My suggestion is first that you need to find out exactly how she feels. I'm guessing and you're guessing so ask her to be honest and find out what she really thinks. My second suggestion is that you need to give her a specific role in your household - something that makes her feel special and responsible so she doesn't go back to her baby act. Make a particular effort to pay her one-on-one attention each day, regardless of whatever else going on. Let her know that you expect her to be kind to her siblings and praise her when she does so. And, if you can, put a date in your diary when you can go out with her (or with her older sister) and do something without the smaller children.

Liveinazoo I have a 10yr old ds who is also very angry. It's got a lot to do with his dad my exh who is a waste of space. He feels very let down and takes it out in me.

The school have been really helpful and I talk to his teacher when things are bad. He is currently having anger management classes at school. Which have helped.

I have found that if I can spend some time with him, even just building Lego before bed, that our bond is stronger. We chat whilst we build and our relationship is fine.

When I'm tired and just want him to get on with getting dressed/eating breakfast etc that's where we clash.
I don't have any answers but happy to share my experiences whilst I'm tackling the same issue

stargirl she has been put in a self esteem group.i shall approach the family support worker again i think

cogitoshe cant put into words how she feels(at least with me?)she just gets angry then cries.i take on board the "not feeling special" though.wil try and organise a girly outing just the two of us.

thanks to both of you.hoping todays a little easier!

Hey liveinazoo, sounds like you're having a tough time of it right now.

I started to post about an hour ago but morning stuff to do so apologies if thread has moved on and I'm repeating what has already been said.

Great advice from starfish and cogito.

I have a sometimes very angry 7 year old ds. He's 2nd dc out of 4.

Things that have helped us. Helping him to verbalise that he is angry through words rather than reaction. So if he says to me now, I am so angry I know that it is the out of control anger that he is feeling rather than general annoyance/frustration. This took time to happen and lots of talking after an outburst with us explaining we can help him more if he tells us first.

It gives me a cue to stop whatever I'm doing and put my very calm head on. I can sit him down and we do deep breathing together and usually a cuddle. DS just seems to have big emotions that he needs help with.

I have also used a voucher system with him. We made the vouchers using stickers of one of his favourite toys. Each voucher worth 10p. Every time he does something 'good' he gets a voucher. It really helps me to actively look for the positive things that he does, which can be overshadowed sometimes by his 'angry' side. He responds really well to it as he's getting lots of positive attention and also likes the pocket money that he gets at the end of the week

When he is not angry he is the most caring sweet generous child, it really is like he can't just have normal emotions, everything is extreme with him.

I also find being really strict on boundaries has helped him. He has such a strong personality that it can affect the whole atmosphere for everyone that we have to react quickly to defuse situations from escalating. This often means a very stern NO! which I don't like doing but it seems to help him to have the decision about his behaviour taken from his hands. I hope that makes sense.

I hope you have a better day. You sound like a lovely mum who wants to help your DD.

Also wanted to say please don't hate yourself

I had PND too and during those middle of the night worries I think that it's my fault that ds is the way that he is. But I've had to learn to give myself a good talking to and accept it is what it is right now and just try to find different strategies to help me help him.

thanks buck and dolly(we x posted)
i spoke to school family support worker today and theyre arranging for her to see a 1 to 1 mentor and name is down for anger "management" group at school

am planning bit just us time at the weekend-may pop out for a awalk (and have chocolate) while dp watches others

fingers x for tonight

tried very hard to be calm since we got in and so far just had a couple little squawks,nothing major or aggressively attacking.some days better than others so we'll see

thanks very much for wise words and support

The parent support worker at our school is fab too. Wish I'd made use of her before now!
I have found with ds1 that if I let him be angry and walk away from it, then it doesn't escalate. If I'm tired and start to argue with him it gets worse

It takes a lot sometimes for me to just walk away and let him rant on his own but it does help