my ds was naughty on a playdate

[boglach]

My ds 5 went to another boy's house for tea after school last week.

The mother dropped him off looking frazzled and said it had been a bit crazy. They were boystrous and every other word was poo, bum and willy.

I am really upset. My ds behaviour when he got home was awful.

What would you do? I am reluctant to return the favour. I am not laying blame anywhere, my ds has been a nightmare at times since he started school but he has never been rude or naughty for other adults

any advice

If you've got the type of child that apes bad behaviour, it's a challenge. Rude words and 'nightmare' stuff are not acceptable at home so come down hard on that. And, when you return the playdate, supervise visitors and DS alike and make it clear that, in your home and in your family, you insist on good behaviour. For school or other playdates tell him in advance what behaviour you expect and say that you've asked the responsible adult (teacher, parent, whatever) to tell you the minute he steps out of line. He has to feel as though he is being watched even if you're not actually there.

Yes, we came down really hard on our 5yo DS the first time that happened. I explained I was embarrassed by his behaviour and removed that evenings treats and early to bed etc. I also explained very clearly that if he didn't behave on play dates, there would be no more play dates, and that I would be checking with the child's parents after every play date. What worked best was that I said he could have one play date a week, but that he would lose that privilege if he behaved badly, and have to earn it back.
It is mortifying to be told your child has been naughty, and some parents will allow more lee way than others, I just think you have to be very firm on what is acceptable for you and him, and also point out that something that is acceptable for one child may not be acceptable for him under any circumstances and you do not expect him to do it, even if someone else is
Good luck! Nip it in the bud now

Actually I think I am just going to say no more playdates until he shows he can behave at home. It has been a nightmare recently, I am actually a bit down with it

It wasn't like this until he started school

Second term at school is hard, they've settled and let their guards down. I would offer the return playdate but make it short and structured or OUTSIDE!!

Schoolfriends can give some children big ideas. I remember DS trying out a few things and getting a metaphorical clip round the ear for his pains. :) Sometimes, they can find the restriction of having to behave themselves all day means they come home, take the shackles off, and go a bit nuts for a while... some running around time outside can help there.. Others are very low on energy by the end of a school day and this tiredness can lead to grumpiness and irrational behaviour. Have a substantial snack waiting or even show up at school to collect him with a snack in your pocket to eat on the way home.

But don't feel down or stop socialising. It's just a stage in development where you have to roll up your sleeves, assert your authority and find a way through to until you get to the next stage.

They are both in the midst of the 'poo bum' stage, and ALL kids behave differently when with other kids, and on playdates, than they do on their own. It isn't 'the other child's fault', it is the chemistry of two or more small children together, being excited. I think parents have to accept that there will be a bit of wild excitement on playdates.

Have the other child round, try and make the visit quite structured and supervised, and talk to your own child about being nice in other people's houses etc.

I think they can only learn to socialise by doing it.

I had this once and only once. DS2 and his friend completely trashed DS's room, tipping everything from the cupboards out onto the floor. Never anything like it before or since.

I shouted, loudly but briefly, made him help tidy up and put him to bed without a story. He got the point

I would reciprocate and agree a plan of action before hand with the other parents. I think this is something small kids go through and it might be useful for you to be in control of the situation.

If my DS does this I tell him he is being silly and warn him that toilet words used in this manner belong in the bathroom. I have sent him for a time out in the bathroom . I think this behaviour has been nipped in the bud at home.

I would sit down at the start of the visit and set out what you expect. I would agree an award for good behaviour at the end of the visit.

Good luck.

Hmmn, did the other mum actually say he'd been naughty? Because being wildly over excited plus massive use of poo/bum/willy is pretty much par for the course when ds1 has friends over.

I don't really mind the over-excitedness and I pretend not to don't hear the language (unless said in my presence which is not allowed).

The way I see it is that learning to control your excitement/behaviour is best learnt by practise. And I think you pretty much owe that other mum a couple of hours off...

I wad going to ask if she had specifically said naughty too because that sounds exactly like my house when other children are in suing too.
In fact that was my house on Friday after school when my friends dd was here. They were exceptionally loud and boisterous for the time she was here and I was frazzled but none of them were naughty. And the poo bum willy thing is their age ds1 is 5 and him and all his friends (girls and boys) are obsessed with those words.

Sounds like my five year old. Poo bum and willy are not bad words in my house. They are par for the course. It's silly, five year old boys are silly. I often have my sons friends over, and of they are excessive they are reigned in. Ie they are not allowed to use these words directed at people or as an insult. It's like a hurricane...they run round and react off of each other.

We do have boundaries in place...ie they make a mess they clean it up, they are not allowed to pull every toy out or hit etc. But I think it's normal for them to use these words and be silly. I'd ask the mum if he was actually naughty. As to me, so far, sounds just like my DS and he is not naughty.

You see even on this thread there seems to be a difference in opinion on what is acceptable behaviour! I find it hard to have the confidence, to set my own boundaries and often look to others for approval

No I don't think he was abnormally naughty. But I don't like him saying poo,bum and willy repeatedly at me or to my toddler dd. If they were in my house and I overheard them saying it up in his room I would ignore tbh. But at the dinner table, or at me I won't accept as I think it is a bit disrespectful. I also know that his granny doesn't like it and in my world you respect grandparents. My MIL is a gem and very tolerant, but if she doesn't like that in her home then I just won't allow him to.

I suspect it is just over excitement, end of the week stuff. The school is quite formal and they have to sit learning for what must seem a long time. It will be easier in the summer when he can play out more and burn off energy.

I don't think it is the end of the world no. But it is other stuff getting to me too. Not doing as asked, answering back, fighting with my dd, saying hurtful things. Sometimes it feel like he snipes at me about every little thing. His toast isn't crispy enough, I didn't put enough jam on it, I am a mean mummy etc etc

Ah the irony. The other day it got to me so badly I shut myself in the bathroom and quietly hissed fuck, bollocks, fuck, shit to myself because I thought I was going to lose it

You could be describing my DS!! He doesn't like a lot right now either! It's very very annoying. I agree re manners and table btw

Boys this age can be so hard work. But he is also very loving and great fun. I sometimes find the energy incredible, I can't match him and I find that tough. I just want to sit down with a cuppa, he is bouncing off the walls or trying to rugby tackle me.

Oh and it astonishes me how much he eats. He is a skinny thing but he eats me out of house and home!

Combine this with a 2 year old in the house as well. Onefrazzledmum.com

It is the poohead etc at the dinner table that drives me mad.

My DS prefers to be outside and it is hard to have them indoors so much. Roll on Summertime.

"a difference in opinion on what is acceptable behaviour"

Of course there is, that's the whole point. If you don't like your child behaving in a particular way, it really doesn't matter if everyone else tells you it's acceptable or it's 'something boys this age do' (gender is no excuse) you stop him doing it. I've lost count of the times I've told DS that 'I don't care what X does/says, you do/say that again in front of me and you're in big trouble'.

Rather than shutting yourself in the bathroom another time...let him see how you really feel. Nowhere is it written that 'children can treat their mothers like shit but mothers must always remain unnaturally calm'

Oh goodness me. Every single time we have another boy coming here to play there is bum poo weee wee words exchanged at some point and they think it's hilarious. I have two boys, and although I keep on telling them that we should not use these words, it is a phase. I am pretty relaxed about it, and it's not only the boys who do it!

I am one of the mums who think this is a 'yellow card' I tell them not to use this language, and repeat it until they get it. Red cards in my house are pushing, hitting, jumping on the furniture, writing on the walls (which a play date did, by the way). We say please and thank you if not, I take away whatever I've given them, even dinner.

I know I know, I am pretty relaxed but my boys are generally well behaved and I do pick my battles.

The other thing is that if you invite a child in your house for a play date,
have a plan as to what you will do. We generally bake something, cakes, biscuits, gingerbread man... or have a craft activity ready, or a game in our case normally the traintrack or car racing track. I try to keep them entertained with something fun to do as opposed to letting them loose!

well, it could be worse, it could be fuck and cunt.

I dont think there should be anymore till he can behave but tbh the boys probably wound each other up and at 5 bums and willies is hysterical its probably been going round school , I know he was naughty and the other mum was frazzled but he sounds pretty normal to me