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Original poster

Is this rude or am I over sensitive?

24 replies

christie1 · 22/01/2006 23:11

do you find this rude? ds was invited to a friends house from school. When I picked him up, the boy, in front of me and his mom, asked ds to ask me if he could come to our house the next sunday. I told hs mom, it was ok with me but we could do it any weekend if they were busy. She said no problem they would love to. I told her I woudl call thursday night to confirm.

On Thursday of this week ds comes home and says the boy told him he decided to invite another boy to his house on sunday so he wouldn't be comming over. I thought it was rude. If ds had been invited somewhere I would not have let him cancel just because something better came along.

Of course I stewed for 2 days then dh said I should call the mom because maybe the boy invited his friend without telling her. So on saturday, I did call the mom and said her son told ds he he had other plans and couldn't come. I said I just wanted to make sure so she didn't think I had forgotten to call to follow-up on my invitation for her son to come over. I also that it was no problem we could do it another weekend if he had made other plans.

I got no apology, just a confirmation that yes, I had it right and her son had other plans (we both knew what they were) and a vague "mabye some other weekend". Big brush off.

SO ds pretended he didn't care but he was hurt. I did tell ds that I thought the boy was wrong to invite someone knowing he had made a comittment to him. Here comes the judgement, but what kind of values are parents teaching kids these days! The fact they had to cancel, something came up doesn't really bother me, that happens, it's the reason he didn't come that bugs me. To make it worse, I used to work with the woman and know her quite well.

Am I being unreasonable to be a little pissed?

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starlover · 22/01/2006 23:13

yeah, i think that's rude too! don't bother inviting him over again

edam · 22/01/2006 23:14

I agree, it's rude.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 22/01/2006 23:22

Yes, its rude.

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Spidermama · 22/01/2006 23:25

Definitely rude. Very bad practise. She's doing her ds a disservice by allowing this to happen. Upsetting for you ds too.

If I were you I'd want to make sure he has another friend home really soon.

Mytwopenceworth · 22/01/2006 23:26

i would have been so upset. anything that hurts your kids tears your heart out, doesnt it

Original poster

christie1 · 22/01/2006 23:52

ok, that's what I felt, if nothing else, it was pure bad manners. Thanks, sometimes I think well, maybe I am looking at this wrong. But, the way I am, I would never have allowed my ds to cancel out for such a reason.

DH said it will be a cold day in you know where before that kid steps foot in our house. Of course, ds loves this boy but it may have to be one of those hard lessons for him on the darker side of human nature. I have been encouraging him to feel free to ask anohter kid but he is extremely shy so I am not going to push. I just get tired sometimes of having to explain other kids bad behavoir away.

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starlover · 22/01/2006 23:54

spidermama is right, the other boy will end up getting no invites if this is how he treats "friends"

encourage your ds to make friends with other kids... he'll soon get over it i'm sure

Hallgerda · 23/01/2006 09:29

Yes, it's rude and you and your son are entirely reasonable to be upset. But I wouldn't rule out ever inviting the child back over it. However, I would not try to explain away his behaviour either, and I would encourage your son's other friendships.

Is it possible there is more to this incident than you have been told? Maybe your son and the other boy fell out at school and the other child's mother knows more about it but is too embarrassed to say?

Original poster

christie1 · 23/01/2006 09:39

I didn't get the impression the mom was embarassed or awkward at all about it, it was more, why are you calling, my son already told your son he can't come She seemed more annoyed than anything. I am afraid my son may have been used. The boy and his friend he had over this weekend had a falling out, DS is the third friend in the triangle and perhaps DS was invited to get the other friend upset as they became friends again last week. DH feels the boy can't come over because he is playing games which are being supported rather than stopped by his parents so ds could get hurt again. I won't rule out an invite but I will be very, very, wary. I agree, I am encouraging ds to look for a wider circle of friends, but like I said, it is not easy for my ds to make friends but he is trying and we are trying to help him.

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pablopatito · 23/01/2006 09:59

If the boy's parents had forced him to have your son round when he doesn't want him to, would that have been better for your son, though?

Isn't it better that your DS has found out what this boy is like and is encouraged to find other, nicer, friends?

sunnydelight · 23/01/2006 14:51

I think it's rude. I had a similar situation with DS2 when a friend of his was supposed to come to tea, and it was all confirmed with his mum, then that morning his mum came up to us in the playground and casually said "B has changed his mind, he doesn't want to come he wants to play with X instead". I was left with DS2 in tears, totally bewildered and the other mum didn't even bat an eyelid. I know we all parent in different ways, but it really winds me up when people allow their children to do what they want, when they want, with no regard for other people's feelings.

Stilltrue · 23/01/2006 17:25

So rude!! I was indirectly involved in a similar situation to sunnydelight's recently. I invited a friend of dd's (y2) round for tea, offering a choice of 2 dates. "Ellie's" mum picked date A. Fine. At pick up time, as we said our goodbyes, she casually said "I'm so pleased Ellie was able to play with xxxx today. She'd actually been invited to "Jacob's" house today, but I cancelled and said she actually prefers playing with girls at the moment" Poor Jacob.

Elibean · 23/01/2006 17:29

Rude. And insensitive. I wonder if those who think its ok to manage their kids' social lives without tact or thought for others' feelings do the same with their own social lives?!? I doubt it!

Original poster

christie1 · 23/01/2006 19:32

I just keep shaking my head and trying to find excuses for the mom but can't get past the fact, leaving aside anything else, it's old fashioned bad manners. I agree it's good to know what the boy is like. It did floor me thought because they seemed to have such a good time playing according to my ds, what I saw at drop off and pick up and the fact the boy asked me if he could come to our house. Ah, let it go! There are nice kids (and nice parents) I tend to think they go together out there and we will find them!

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AUBINA · 25/01/2006 10:00

This reminds me of my daughters birthday party a few years ago. She had invited her oldest friend whose mum I had met at a post-natal support group. Then a few days before the mum rung up to say that her daughter had been invited to another party on the same day which she would rather go to! I am normally non-confrontational but I made sure she knew how upset my daughter was going to be. What example are these sorts of parents giving their children?

Recently the same daughter went to a friends birthday party and had a great time. Now we are organising her party. She said she didn't want to invite that friend because she was too bossy. I said to her that she was happy to go this friends party and it would be rude not to include her. I explained that she was probably being bossy because she was excited and saw the party in a certain way.

I feel very strongly that some parents are raising their children to think of themselves first and not to consider the feelings of others. This doesn't bode well for their future relationships.

juliab · 25/01/2006 10:17

I had a similar thing this morning: ds2 is having a trampoline party on saturday and one mum just rang me to say her dd wasn't going to come because 'we don't really like sporty things'. Maybe I'm being over-sensitive but I think that's a weird excuse. Makes it sound as if she picks and chooses parties according to the quality of the entertaiment on offer!

fairyjay · 25/01/2006 10:23

Could just be that trampolines have been getting some bad press?!! We've got one by the way, and I think some parents are very protective.

Lonelymum · 25/01/2006 10:27

Julia, I think it is quite common for people to not go to sporty parties. My boys hate football and the last party ds2 went to was just playing football all the time. He was in tears most of the time because the other boys wouldn't pass to him as they know who bad he is at football. I decided there and then that we would refuse any other football parties and indeed, we refused one last week (although I did not give the real reason for refusing).

Talking to other parents over the years, I have discovered that lots of people refuse party invitations because they are the "wrong" activity or too far away, etc. So I really do think it is quite common. Where I would agree with you, is that I think it is rude to make your reasons for not coming so obvious. Far better to pretend a previous engagement IMO.

juliab · 25/01/2006 10:35

I'm sure you're right, FJ - although it is a supervised session with a coach in a sports centre - but maybe it would have been a bit more tactful if she's just said her dd couldn't come, full stop.
Also, while we're on the subject, my dd1 (7) was playing in a tennis tournament the other day and the boy on the next court burst into tears when he lost his first match on a disputed line call. So his mum just swept him up with a 'This isn't the quality of umpiring we were expecting, darling' and took him home! - meaning he didn't play any of the rest of his matches and his team was left without a player!

katycakes · 25/01/2006 10:45

our childrens socail lives are so hectic i don t know about anyone else but i can t remember my social life when i was a child being half as busy as my ds1's.
i guess that its inevitable that our children are going to be the ones that are excluded from things at some point it still hurts though.
This doesn t in any way excuse the way your ds was treated christie1 i think they were both bang out of order,i wonder how the mother treats her own friends!!!

juliab · 25/01/2006 10:48

That's a good point, LM: I shouldn't assume everyone will like what my kids like.

shimmy21 · 25/01/2006 10:53

Christie is it possible that your ds and the other boy had a big fall out and the other boy was unhappy about coming? I've had times when Ive invited someone to play and by the time he comes he and ds are no longer mates. Ds has been adamant that he doesn't want x to come and that he wont speak to him if he does come. Very embarrassing and tricky situation to deal with. But unlike your 'friend' I've always insisted that ds keeps his commitments and it always ends up that ds and his non-mate end up having a great time and being friends again.

And yes, it is very rude and hurtful. A white lie would have been much better than the truth here.

GDG · 25/01/2006 11:00

Very rude and no child of mine would be allowed to do that - I'd tell them in no uncertain terms that it was absolutely not acceptable. HOW RUDE!! AM on your behalf. Gawd, there's no hope for some kids is there

Original poster

christie1 · 25/01/2006 11:28

Something has happened to change this boys attitude towards ds but they did nto fight. They boy ignores ds at school and if ds sits anywhere near him, he makes a big production of moving away. Although occasionally, he will play with him as if everything is ok. ds is very confused. We had a long talk with him as ds spilled this all out yesterday and had a talk about how difficult people can be but it wasn't his fault and maybe the boy was upset about something. My son thinks he played with him too much ( I think it is true he was depending on him a bit too much to play with him all the time but he thought they were better friends than obviously his boy wanted to be). Ds is extremely shy so we are encouraging him to widen his circle (easier said than done when he is so shy but he is trying). This has turned into one of those tough lessons about people but he is handling it well and we are so happy he came to us to talk about how this boy was treating him at school.

Still, I suspect maybe the boy said he didn't want to go to my ds's as he was tired of him or feeling crowded out then mom could have just called and said the weekend was not a good one and left it at that. It's the fact he told my son he couldn't come because he had invited another kid over to play. It's not like the mom didn't know, the other boy was in her house. Again, I dont'want to force my ds on anyone, just let's be polite about it.

You, know I worked with this women a few years back and looking back in hindsight, I liked her alot but she was not popular in the office. Hmmmm.

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