Didn't know it was this hard....

[Dutchie77]

Hi everybody,

Just a message, to get it of my chest and maybe you can share your experience with me.

Our DS is now 6,5 weeks old. He is lovely, calm, happy, smiling, healthy baby and I love him to bits. Though I struggle to enjoy it all. It is bloody hard work, having a baby. Nobody told me that is is this hard.....

DP is very very supportive and we help eachother out a lot. He makes me breakfast every morning and takes over the ' shift' when he comes home from work. But I really miss our old life and closenes that we had. Will it come back later? I am so afraid I made the wrong choice and I feel terribly guilty about it. It was something I wanted after all. And by not feeling very happy, I put another worry on his shoulders, what I don't want.

The days are looooong. I get up after the first feed in the morning (around 06.00) being really tired. Most mornings I think:' I don't want to do this anymore'. The transition from being a very busy, full time working, bike riding, social person to being a housemum is just too much. Next to that I don't have my family here in the UK and I miss my mum who past away 3 and a half years ago. I feel quite isolated and I am homesick at times.

Still, I do whatever I can to socialize with my sister-in-law or with other people, but I find it hard to talk to strangers for some bizar reason (maybe I feel that my english isn't good enough). I go for a walk with DS everyday, to get some exercise and just because I love to be outside. I do have things to look forward to, so in that perspective I am not that depressed.

Please tell me it gets better?!

You poor thing! Yes it gets better. It just is a massive life change and there isn't really an easy way to introduce a new baby into your life. They just pitch up and scream and throw up all over everything and keep you awake all night until you think you just can't stand it any more. My sister told me to expect the first six weeks to be a nightmare. In fact for me it was more like the first 12 weeks. But at a certain point, it started to become my life, not someone else's life that I'd accidentally wandered into.

As for the isolation, I think it's very common, but very unspoken. Rachel Cusk (who is otherwise a nutter) wrote brilliantly about it in her book A Life's Work. I think it's difficult to connect with people when you are yourself weirded out by your new circumstances. But keep at it - and think about baby massage and baby yoga and all that stuff. It's not for the baby - it's for you to meet other mums. Sooner or later one of them will crack and admit they find it really hard too and then you'll be bonding over a coffee and a cake and comparing notes.

My DCs are now 5 and 2. without doubt it's been the hardest period of my life in terms of physical work and commitment and sometimes the frustration and boredom and exhaustion has been almost overwhelming. But it's also completely worth it. And FWIW I didn't bond with my first until she was 4 months old and then, when she laughed, I fell in love with her instantly. That makes it worth while but for some of us it doesn't come immediately.

Putting them in nursery part time and going back to work for a few hours each week was my salvation. The first six months is so hard.

Don't worry, it does get better.

I think it is such a huge shock when you first have a baby. No one can prepare you for it. Very few people just fall into motherhood and love it.

I have DD (2yo) and DS (4.5mo) and with DD I don't think I felt like I knew what I was doing or felt 'settled' and in control until she was 3 or 4 months old. I cried A LOT about how awful I was finding it. It is such a huge transition, but I did get used to it. Don't focus on losing your old life, just focus on your new one as a mum.

I found that when DD had settled into a bit of a routine and was sleeping better I could plan more things to do in the daytime. You are definitely doing the right thing by getting out of the house every day.

Do you have a children's centre near you? The one here ran some good free groups - and they were free so if I didn't like them I could just leave! Maybe you could plan an activity which is focused on your DS, such as baby massage, so you are there for him and don't feel pressured to talk to other mums if you don't fancy it, but you will be with other people and maybe feel less lonely.

Check out church groups too. I have friends who have been to some very friendly ones.

It does get better. I found the first couple of months quite tough to be honest. Being pregnant and having a baby is a physically and emotionally demanding experience in itself, then you suddenly have a helpless baby who you are totally responsible for. It is of course totally life changing, and you get no sleep, and the baby doesn't really do much bar eat poo sleep or cry. It's hard, and I think it's normal to kind of grieve for your old life. But it gets better. You will start to get into the swing of things as time goes by, as you and your baby get to know each other. It also gets more interesting and fun as baby starts to display their personality, the hard work really feels worthwhile then.

Take care, and I hope things start to feel better for you.

It is so hard at the beginning and 6 weeks is very early days. It does get better as other posters have said. I also urge you to get out and talk to as many new mums as you can by going to groups at children's centres or NCT coffee mornings etc. It is such good therapy to know that other people are experiencing the same emotions as you, and sometimes finding things harder. A book that made me feel much better about things in the early days is Naomi Stadlen's 'What Mothers Do' (sorry, not great at doing links.) Buy it, read it and that will help lots.

Hi there,

Sorry to hear you are finding this so hard. You aren't the only one! I struggled for a long time once I became a mum. The exhaustion, the feeling of no longer being a person in your own right, the feeling of slavery! That's how i felt. I mourned for my old carefree life, where I could be 100 per cent selfish, it was all about me and my husband. I was in shock, it felt like an ordeal and the hardest period of my life. I worried I had made a mistake. I felt I didn't bond quickly with my son. In retrospect, i do think it escalated to depression.

Fast forward 20 months and I have the most amazing little boy, I feel so much more fulfilled, life has so much more meaning (and I too was a sociable, successful busy person pre-motherhood - but this is so much better!). Life is more magical seeing it through my little boy's fresh eyes and having him is without doubt the best thing I have ever done. My goodness it was all so hard, but it was so worth it.

I'm very confident that you will feel the same sooner rather than later. You have so much to look forward to! With a bit of a hard slog to go through first...

But it took a long time to get to this point - different for everyone, but for me it took about a year to get back to 'me'. Going back to work helped when he was one year old - I need that intellectual challenge.

You will be fine. Remember as well if the going gets tough - too busy, lack of sleep etc - to go easy on your parter, and him with you. It can be testing for relationships! And don't expect yourself to be perfect, you're only human.

But honestly, the way you feel is normal - you'll come out the other side all the better for it, and with a bundle of fun to brighten your days - instead of, as is probably the case now - stressing you out and tiring you out! Trust me, I was a mess... Now I love it so much I'm having another!

Feel free to private message me any time. Xx

Aah it does believe me. I was googling "when does it get easier?" at 3 weeks. It did & you actually end up enjoying your massive life change eventually. Not sure when though

I would highly recommend making some friends with similar aged children though. It helps keep the sanity.

You'll get there.

It is hard. Much more so than I could understand before my DD came along. She's 7 weeks now, and it is getting easier even as I write here.

Take joy in the little things. Both in what your baby does (smiling back at you; those lovely sneezes and yawns) and in also finding a little time for yourself when you dont have to be 'on duty' OR doing housework (which I know a lot of people do when their partners have the baby).

For me, my 'treat' is DH getting our DD up at 6/6.30 taking her away to feed her and entertain her while I know I am 'off duty'. He settles her down for a morning nap at 7.30 either in the buggy which he wheels back into the bedroom, or in her moses basket next to me. By this point shes asleep and I am. We both usually wake then around 9.30. Happy mum, happy baby.

It;s great that you are getting out for fresh air every day, it really helps clear my head and is good for the baby. Dont feel scared of chatting to people who will, inevetably, peek into the pram and smile at your baby. Even a couple of minutes natter with the person behind you in the queue at the shop will make you feel more human, and help bring on your english, which is no doubt better than you think if your post is anything to go by.

Once your baby starts to establish a solid little chunk of regular sleep (for us it's between 8pm and 11pm), you can start to view that as 'your and DH's' time. Stick something on the TV or a movie that you both like, have a nice dinner and a chat about anything and everything. I found it exceptionally overwhelming at parts and at one point, DH rang in sick to work for two days to be on hand as I just was really struggling. However, that was a few weeks ago, and since then, I actually find my days runs a lot more smoothly with him at work.

I hope you are able to feel more confident in both your new role and in your speaking english. I think it may be one of those 'un-said things' that motherhood is not always this amazing experience that we all flourish in. It's hard. But with hard work comes great rewards.

I always thought i had the strongest relationship that could never tested. It was tested to breaking point by the arrival of our gorgeous DS. Those first weeks as a first time parent are wonderful, but exceptionally hard.

Happily, we're still together (DS is now 14 mo) and closer than ever. I can't actually remember how our life was before our DS and certainly don't know what we did with all the time we must have had. After a while you parent on auto-pilot, a bit like driving a car - you'll do it without thinking. But until that time arrives you will grieve for how easy and straightforward life was before. Even things like popping to the shops aren't as easy as they used to be.

It will get better (i remember 12 weeks as quite a turning point) but until then, please try to enjoy this precious and extremely special time. One day you will look back on it and wish you could have bottled it so you could savour it again and again over the years.

And congratulations!

Thank you all, for all the support and sharing your experiences. That made me feel that I certainly am not crazy or weird, but that these feelings are normal.

It's all a bit too much and I suspect that my hormone balance is all messed up. In two weeks I'll have my last postnatal check-up with the GP and I'll ask if I can have a mirena coil fitted. It used to help me a lot with my PMT. Maybe it helps to get my progesteron levels up.

So I will hold my head up high and try to see the positive sides and embrace my new life.

Hi! Your feelings are completely normal . Nobody knows how hard it is even if warned...I have one DS 7y ( and aDD on the way in April:) ) and the first 3 m of his life were hard , exhausting , boring and lonely ! In general I found the first year challenging . I had an emergency cs so not in a good shape then it went all wrong in the breastfeeding department. Didn't have any friends or family nearby ( I'm from another country ), even inlaws don't live nearby and DH only had a week off since he was doing a 3y masters degree in a year . Until you have a more of a routine and you have properly recovered from birth ( I had pain from cs on and of up to a year ) , and your baby becomes more of a little person who is interacting with you and the rest of the world ,it's damn booooooring ... I'd definitely attend the postnatal classes if you have those offered at about 8-10w .I made a couple of friends that I'm still in touch with after 7y! And just get out and about to coffee mornings , library rhyme times and baby classes . There you'll meet lots of other nice new moms in the same position as you. After being home for all this time ( DS is now in Y2 at school ) my social life is what keeps me going! It'll be a real shock to the system with the new one coming in April after all these years . it's been so long and I'm used to having my sleep ;) but can't wait since we tried for years and this time I definitely won't be bored but super busy with the school runs and DS activities and social life etc and now not lonely either since have accumulated lots of friends in the area :) !
All in all it'll get better ! You just need to hang in there . Make sure you go out the door everyday no matter the weather and see other adults during the day . I really recommend joining baby classes / groups !!!! Good luck with our new baby ! Can't wait to join you ..... :)

... Your new baby

Oh goodness, I'm so glad to have found this post! I was just thinking the exact same thing. My daughter is just four weeks old and although she's a very content, happy, easy baby, I'm just getting so bored and a bit frustrated.

I feel really guilty as I've wanted to be a mum for as long as I can remember, but I also really enjoy my work and am really missing it already. I also don't seem to talk to her or want to spend time with her as much as my family does, so I feel bad about that too.

I love children but have never been much of a baby person. I guess I just assumed it would be different when it was my own, and that I'd be much more into spending lots of time with her... but it isn't really.

By the way, what is DD / DS etc?

Hi Ahzrei! You see, we are in the same boat. I understand your feeling of guilt, same here. It's painfull in my heart. Luckily we are absolutely normal. and the love apperently needs to grow.

Think we just have to wait for the good times to come. In a while you can go to nice play groups. Think I will go to Monkey music once DS is 3 months old! He loves music and singing.

DS= dear son
DS= dear daughter
DC= dear children

You are not alone. It is SO hard but it does get better. I keep telling myself this as dd1 is 5 and was a delight by the time she was 2.... And now dd2 is 14 months and i feel like I'm treading water.

I really think it will do you good to go and find some groups - in your area and see your GP and explain how you feel

Keep talking on here too - it does pass

Ahzrei, I felt exactly as you did at that stage. I really am not keen on my job, but was gagging to return to it. I also worried that I wasn't interacting with my DD nearly half as much as I should. Now, at 7 weeks, it's like it's finally clicking into place. I jabber away at her like even I wouldn't believe: "what are we going to do today? Get some milk, yes, we definietley need milk. Milk for mammy and milk for baby too" that sort of thing. It helps that over the next two weeks if your DD hasn't started smiling yet, she will, and it'll be worth chattering to her as she will respond with the biggest grins.

Im not fussed on kids in general, but have been broody as hell for one of my own since about 16 (now 27). Having my DD has shown me that not everything is as easy as we think. I also know no matter how much joy my DD brings, she will be the only one.

It is so hard as first, but it does get easier week by week. I was so impatient to get back to a "normal" life and routine, that I put far too much pressure on myself. In hindsight, I think you need to be very gentle with yourself, try and get as much sleep as you can, and realise that you will find time for yourself again.

oh god, small babies are so very, very hard.
i love my dds with all my soul, but you could never pay me enough to go back to the 0-6mo stage. keep at it, try and put your feet up when you can. when you're less tired, find a friendly group. it makes a lot of difference.

sittinginthesun: I had to learn patience as well. Thought everything could be done with a routine etc. No way! I have no control over anything DS wants, so I am learning to let go and see what the day brings.

Letting go, yes, that was my lesson to learn!

Aw,i remember feeling the same with ds1 i was literally gobsmacked at the amount of work it was.
I went on to have 4 more and have been knocked sideways by all of them. The most recent is now 12 months and i am still finding the intrusion on our previous nice life a bit difficult if im honest.
My top tips
See this period as temporary and precious,he will only be this little once.
Dont try and go back to your previous life,adapt around him and make a new way of life for now.
Dont try and have as tidy a house or made up face as before.A few weeks in a mess in a tracksuit wont hurt.You are only recently post natal,your body has been through a lot and you are still recovering.Take time to do so.
It really will get better i promise.I even have shaved legs these days and am sometimes even quite presentable.We still dont go out much or have sex enough but its moving along.

Hi all,

Everything feels so much better! I am finally getting the hang of it. Ds is getting into somekind of routine and we are getting to know eachother much better. That certainly makes it easier, if not, pleasant even!! Yes, it is still very very tiring but I feel much more confident.

And the book that Mondaybaby recommended( What mothers do...) is brilliant. I feel supported and much more powerful as a mum