Separation anxiety, attachment - anyone out there know about this stuff?

[octocompass]

I think I have utterly failed my dd as a mother and that she has an insecure attachment. She's 4, nearly 5, and has recently been crying before school and saying she doesn't want to leave me, she just wants to be with me all the time. I think when she gets there she is ok -the teacher says she seems happy and she comes out happy. But she is definitely quite a clingy, mummy's girl.

The background is that I was very depressed during my pg with her and for a few months afterwards (much better from about 3-4 months after the birth, but still an anxious type). Because I felt so dreadful about this and the impact it could be having on her, I tried - and still try - ever so ever so hard to 'make it up' to her. I read all the books and saw a mother-baby therapist from when she was about 2 weeks old. I believed that I had to anticipate her every need, cuddle her all the time, etc. And basically I think I just took this much too far and turned into an intrusive, overprotective parent and it's my fault that she now is finding it hard to leave me.

I read online yesterday that if you had an insecure attachment to your own mother (which I think I did) then it's almost impossible to have a secure attachment with your child. And also that if you have had emotional problems (like my depression), you can't raise an emotionally happy child. I guess I am proof of these things!

Does anyone know about this attachment stuff? What can I do? I find it so desperately depressing to think I have hurt my child and set her up for an unhappy future.

Thanks for any ideas.

Well I would say it is harder for someone with these problems but not impossible. I have the same kind of background and several professionals have seen me with ds (family spport workers weekly at place similar to children's centre, cpn, hv) and say he's obviously very well attached, happy etc. He's also going through a clingy phase! Its normal I think.

I don't know your child obviously but do you think its your anxiety about what is probably a pretty normal phase is the issue? Its all your fault for doing it wrong etc.

I wouldn't put too much faith in any online resource that uses phrases like 'can't raise an emotionally happy child'. A lot of children are quite clingy in the first years at school, and they have all kinds of different mothers. Your advantage is that you know that you're being over-protective... some people never realise that. So you can make a conscious decision to take a step back, 'sit on your hands' a little, resits the temptation not to leap to her every need, and encourage her to be more independent and more of a risk-taker.

My own mother struggled because she'd had a very emotionally detached (and abusive) mother. She definitely overcompensated and still leans towards overprotection. It made me rather shy as a small child but not for long. Somewhere along the way both I and my DB rejected the smothering, struck out for independence and all has ended well.

Nothing is cast in stone.

I had a shitty relationship with my parents and had severe DND when DS was small. I'm also over-protective. DS at 3 is the most confident, cheery, happy-go-lucky kid, life and soul at pre-school. His father's parents are seriously weird, yet DH has the same temperament he does despite that, so I think it's just how they were made. My big belief is that if you love them and they know it, and try to be calm and consistent, then their innate personality will come through. Your little girl may just be one who likes lots of snuggles and love and asks you for that. The teacher says she's doing fine. And she is showing you what she needs, isn't she? An insecurely attached kid, as I understand it, is erratic in how they react to a parent. She's consistent in wanting you.

The kid you need to worry about is the one who doesn't respond to their parent, IMO. Both ours want us when sick, hurt or scared, and that's attachment. This stuff is all theory, anyway, and unprovable theory at that. But a mum who loves her kid enough to post on MN fretting about being a good enough parent isn't one who needs to worry, I don't think. She's still very tiny - if she clings this way at 11 you may have grounds to worry. Not now.

What you are describing sounds fairly normal. In situations of anxiety or where children are not yet confident, it is clinging to their primary carer and being hesitant that shows they are securely atttached .

I think it's fairly normal to have clingy periods at this age isn't it? Even adults have crises of confidence from time to time. It's how you as a parent deal with the clinginess that matters surely?

You can read all sorts of stuff online and it doesn't mean it's true! I believe quite the opposite: that it is worth working on attachment and that the relationship is essentially plastic and ever changing. None of this "it's too late, I have screwed her up for life".
What I do know is that experience of the kinds of intervention you describe, plus reading all the books etc, can make one over-analyse every thing. If I could wish for something, it would be for you to throw the books and theory away and enjoy your lovely little girl. There are countless threads on MN about clingy children at school, and much advice about dealing with it. I wonder though if you are clinging to her too- it is hard for you too to see her growing up and moving away from you gradually. You seem so harsh on yourself and yet your love for your DD comes shining through.

I've studied it a bit, only at A level equivalent levels though - nothing harder than that, but from what I remember there isn't even a category for doing too much...

There's secure and 3 types of insecure attachment, one where mothers (and it's always mothers) are inconsistent, and the child is distressed when parting, but isn't happy when they're returned either and can't be comforted while separated. One where they're mildly neglectful and the child isn't fussed either way whether the mother is there or not and one where is very neglectful and usually a sign of abuse and would show really quite extreme issues. I could look up the names, but you can google yourself if that's what you wanted - the thing is, they've never looked at whether mothers were intrusive because attachment theory is all trying to prove that mothers need to be at home looking after babies.

I know the last type of insecure attachment is linked to emotional problems, but not PND, much more severe issues than that.

All children can be a bit clingy, if she's happy in school it doesn't sound like a serious issue to me, just a small child being a bit reluctant to part from her mum, which is completely normal for lots of children. Talk to her, find out what it is that worries her about going into school and being away from you - but I genuinely don't think it's an indication of a problem.

That sounds like normal age-appropriate behaviour to me. It would never occur to me that behaviour like that was due to a 'failure' on your part.

The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution by Elizabeth Pantley has some good ideas about how to help her with that if you'd like some suggestions.

FWIW, I would definitely not class myself as an 'intrusive, overprotective parent', but my 2 y.o. has had chronic separation anxiety for the last 18 months. I think it's just his personality - my DH and I were fairly similar when we were little (MIL wasn't able to leave DH with anyone until he was 3 or 4 y.o.). We're both reasonably well adjusted now - well, as much as anyone is.

Op, I am a social worker with 10 years exp of working with families. Your dd has a secure attachment to you. It is normal, age appropriate behaviour she is displaying. I think the emphasis in our society is for our children to be independent of us way, way before they are emotionally ready. please stop worrying.

The kind of behaviour that would always raise alarm bells for me would be when children didn't respond to their main caregiver leaving the room, showing indifference when they returned, or having no preference over who was interacting with them. That would signify an insecure ambivalent attachment. There is some interesting stuff on attachment theory on the web.

I think this is quite normal. However, I agree to some point that attachment issues as a child can have an impact when becoming a Mum. I was in hospital from 3 months old til I was 2.5years. I think that because I still have the memories from childhood of feeling insecure, never really belonging or feeling like i was an inconvenience (which I'm sure was mostly in my mind) i find it hard to rationalise DD's behaviour as simply being that of an average 3 year old. HV GP and frinds and family say they think DD is perfectly attached to me but maybe I am not to her because I struggled to attach to my Mum due to my circumstances in early child hood, but that's ok so long as my DD doesn't twig that i really have to work at and sometimes "play" at being mummy. .

Ok, I know a fair bit about this.

Insecure attachment is a lot more common than you think. But it is not a death sentence. Yes it will impact on things growing up. However the sooner you get help for your difficulties, the better your relationship with your DD will become and the easier it will become for you all.

Have you had any counseling?

I read online yesterday that all of our thoughts are controlled by cats who communicate with us through our fillings.

There's lots of stuff on the internet.

I would recommend reading John Bowlby for some background on attachment, but agree with others that a 4 yr old not wanting to leave their main caregiver indicates a secure rather than an insecure attachment.

How long has she been at school?

Thanks so much all posters. I found these replies very kind and reassuring. In answer to some of them: tethersend thanks, the bit about the cats made me laugh, and I do see your point... dd has been at school since September, she's in Reception.
dione I am seeing a therapist, have been for about a year and a half now (I also saw one for about 9 months after the birth of dd).
angeldog thanks, I think I'll get that book.
hugglebug sorry to hear about your difficult early years. I'm really interested in what you say about 'playing' at doing it right. I do this too sometimes but I worry that somehow my dd can 'read my mind' - or at least, pick up on stuff and know that some of it is 'put on'. But I'm really glad to hear your dd seems well attached to you.
piggy thanks so much, that's really reassuring. I can certainly say she is pretty much never indifferent or has no preference!
lancecorporal what do you think is the best way to deal with the clinginess? Sometimes I worry I am too sympathetic, i.e. enter into it too much, when it might be better to be kind of breezy and confident sending her off to school - any ideas?
tabula, perfectstorm, woollyhead, helium thanks, really kind.
cogito that's really reassuring. So you think your mother being overprotective didn't damage your attachment to her, as such?
albrecht yes, I see what you mean, I think my anxiety does make me see things this way but maybe ALSO has been bad for her, iyswim?

Hope I haven't missed anyone out, if so, sorry!