is this normal sibling jealousy or something else?

[glamourmama]

I really need some advice please. Dd is nearly 8 and we had ds 6 weeks ago. Dp is not dd's dad and ds is his first child, I have been with dp for 3 years and living together for 2. Dd is very close to my parents and always has been as I was a single mum with her at 18. Dd's relationship with dp is mostly good but he has struggled at times to be a father figure and dd did feel a bit jealous at first. My dm is not keen on my dp not really sure why think its to do with dd, if he ever tells off dd I think she tells my dm and maybe my dm doesn't like it. She is very soft on dd and often questions little things on how I parent her and makes me feel guilty. I can't address it though because they help out so much and dd loves them dearly and so do I. all my other family get on fine with dp.

Anyway whilst I was pregnant dd was so excited about becoming a sister and so was I. I felt it would unite us as a proper family. She adores her little brother but I think she really resents me and dp. Whenever I tell her off over the slightest thing she gets very stroppy and answers back and refuses to do as iv asked. She keeps on and on answering me back until I snap and shout at her (I know I shouldn't but I'm exhausted after been up all night with ds) she then shouts back that I don't love her anymore and only care about baby. She then usually goes up to bedroom crying I start crying and go and apologise. We were late for school today because of this, she is very slow getting ready in a morning and I was nagging her to hurry up and it just escalated. Feel terrible now I feel like such a bad mum and so guilty.

I try to spend time with her when baby is sleeping or with dp. Iv even started giving baby formula bottles so I'm not so tied into breastfeeding so can be with her. We live in a boring village with not much to do, we don't have a car or much money to go out places. And weather has been really bad. Just feel like we all stuck in a tiny house getting on each others nerves.

Yesterday she got cross with dp after school because he wouldn't take her to the park she told him she hated him. its affecting my relationship with dp, he tries hard but I just think my dd would be happier if he wasn't around. I feel like I should have stayed a single parent somedays.

Is this normal. On one hand I feel so guilty because she used to be so happy and we used to do so much together. On the other hand its starting to wear a bit thin she is not the only child out there to have a sibling, its just a normal part of life isn't it? Part of me is worried about her emotional state because sometimes after she has kicked off she says sorry and I don't want her to feel guilty.

Should I speak to her teacher? I can't talk to my mum because I think she will blame me or dp and maybe we are to blame? I feel so sad.

First yes, I think it's normal for a child that's had everyone's undivided attention for 8 years, particularly from indulgent grandparents, to feel put out when something else is drawing that attention. First she had to share you with DP & now she's sharing you with the baby. But it sounds like you're being sensitive about that, spending as much time with her as you can and so on - that's good. Second, however, is that no child should be allowed to run the show. At the moment, because she has your DM as a bolthole, she may think that she has got carte blanche to behave badly. She may even harbour ideas that you and DP were a temporary thing or that you would get back with her father.

I think this is the point, therefore, where you & DP explain that the arrangement is permanent, that she will always be your PFB even though you love the baby as well, that new babies are hard work for everyone (including big sisters) and that, whilst you will try to spend as much time with her as you can, you expect her to make a special effort to be part of the team rather than behave badly. I'd also have a word with your DM along similar lines. .... she has to support you rather than undermine you.

Thank you for replying, what u said makes lots of sense. She has no contact with her real dad so maybe I stupidly thought that would be easier with dp as he didn't have anyone to compete with. I was getting scared I'd damaged my child but in perspective iv had a baby and I'm sure in the long run she will prefer not to be an only child. I think I need to control my emotions when dealing with her though, its neither good for her to see me shouting or crying. I have a feeling she might be saying I don't love her etc because now she knows how much it upsets me it can be said to punish me when I'm telling her off. Could a 7 year old be capable of that thought process or am I being negative.

I would like her and dp's relationship to improve though. She can be very critical of him and put him down a lot for doing things wrong and criticise his cooking etc but then other times be very loving and affectionate or be laughing and joking with him. This leaves him not knowing where he stands with her sometimes I think he tells her off too quickly but he has had a very different upbringing to mine. His was quite strict and disciplined and mine wasn't. And on top of that she has complete free reign at my parents house! Sometimes I just avoid telling her off as I can't face a confrontation. She is such a sweet caring girl most of the time its hard seeing her be like this.

My mum hasn't paid half as much attention to ds, I think because of her issue with dp she is staying away a bit. Or maybe she hust thinks now I'm older I can cope more. But it would be more helpful if she built more of relationship with baby so she could babysit while I did more with dd. I just feel the more time dd spends at my parents the more divided we are as a family.

Yes, a 7 year-old can manipulate you and guilt-trip you into doing what she wants. She will know very well that you don't like confrontation. So don't fall for that one. You're a parent, not a friend, and some of the things you have to do to bring up a pleasant well-behaved child will not be popular with that child. You can't always be in their good books so don't try too hard.

You have also to support DP both personally and in his parenting style and he has to do the same for you. Children can sense if there is a chink of light between you and will use it against you. No-one has the same style as anyone else and that would be just as true if he were her biological father. Don't let her belittle him when he does something wrong - thats not acceptable from a child. And if he thinks she has misbehaved and tells her off, support that decision 100% in front of DD (even if you disagree in private) and then everyone will know where he stands.

You have to manage DM's involvement as well. She is staying away from your baby because she doesn't like DP. My friend is doing exactly the same thing with her daughter's new baby DS.... doesn't approve of the new DH and so overcompensates with the two older children 'the poor creatures, having to live in a house with that awful man' etc. So you're going to have to put your fear of confrontation aside, tell her to stop doing it, tell her you want her to get to know DS and DP better.... Otherwise your DD will always see granny as a safe haven and won't make the effort at home.