Only feel relaxed when DD is not around

[jasminerice]

DD is 8. We've always had a difficult relationship. Partly severe untreated PND after she was born meaning we didn't bond AT ALL and partly I think a personality clash. I'm a quiet introvert who needs her head space, DD is a total extrovert who needs a constant audience and someone to listen to her INCESSANT chatter.

I realised today, as she is going for a sleepover tonight and I won't see her again til tomorrow evening, that u feel totally relaxed. DS is at home but he doesn't make me feel tense like DD does. I enjoy DS's company more than DD's I am ashamed to say. DD is so infuriating because she interrupts constantly, says silly thought less things all the time {DS is younger but comes across as fat more intelligent because he is very thoughtful), is moody, can be very mean and catty which I hate.

I am just a lot happier without her around. I do love her and we do get on when we're on a day out, just the two of us, but at home she just stresses me out.

Is this normal/quite common? Or am ia really horrible parent?

I feel totally relaxed

Sorry for all typos, am on stupid smart phone.

I'd say it's not uncommon. Most parents would never admit it, it's like a taboo subject! My friend who has 2 sons under 6 once admitted to a room full of people on a self healing course that she sometimes hated her children. She felt so ashamed of it! Of course she is a loving mother who adores them most of the time, but sometimes they just do her head in so much! I personally think love and hate come close sometimes, strange as that may sound.

I think ur doing well admitting this, sorry I can't give u any advice, apart from to be as accepting as u can with her, find all the positive things u like about her, tell her, maybe write them down. Don't feel guilty, this will only make things worse.

I have experienced this quite a lot with my two dc, including lots of guilt. Ds1 is 5.8 now and I am finding it easier to enjoy him as he gets older, but I do still find it easier and more relaxed being around ds2, even when he is being tantrummy and difficult!

Personally, I think it is a lot more common than people think and it is a shame we can't be more honest in real life about these things. It's just the way it is and, as long as you try to not make it too obvious to her, I would try to stop feeling guilty and accept it for what it is. I find the more I accept I find ds2 easier and try not to feel guilty, the less it even seems like an issue.

I also sometimes think that it is often harder with first borns because they are the ones that have "taken" our freedom away, changed our lives etc. Dc2 just slips into place, we don't fret so much about their behaviour, is what they are dong "normal" etc, which does tend to make us have less anxiety around them! That's my experience, anyway.

My DD is exactly the same, constantly chaattering and usually about the most inane thing you could ppossibly think about!! She is 8.9 and when she goes in those school gates I breathe a sigh of relief some mornings, as she has started about 30 seconds after getting up!!

I think this a HIGHLY taboo subject, but I think its pretty normal! I have discussions about this feeling with my best friends (both haave kids, we have 8 between us!) And we all feel the same!

My advice would be to have some time completly to yourself and take 5 mins a day (trust me, seems harder than it actually is!) To remember why you love her!

Good luck

Ditto Jasmine and Sassie (DD about same age; constant chatterer; discovered I desperately yearn for peace & quiet & am happy/relieved at school drop off yet love her to distraction; could never admit it to anyone in RL)

Thanks all! Very glad to know I'm not alone. I'm constantly worrying about my relationship with DD because it's always been such hard work. We just don't get on sometimes. Yet she is immensely popular at school, has loads of friends, and children seem to instantly like her.

DS is quieter, very thoughtful and intelligent. I'm much more at ease around him. I just seem to get annoyed at all the ridiculous and quite frankly stupid things DD comes out with sometimes. She does not seem to think at all before she speaks. Even her grandmother (my MIL) called her an idiot once which is appalling.....but at the same time I can understand how her grandma felt, she really drives you potty sometimes with her ridiculousness.

Gosh, it feels good to be able to admit this on here, I can't tell anyone in rl how I feel.

Have you never had any treatment for the pnd? I have found counselling really helped as I did not / have not bonded with my ds (we are in that starting to get there stage). It gives you a safe space to say things that you are worried people who know you would judge you for - a bit like Mn!

I'm not saying this makes you a horrible parent btw but if you wanted to try and get rid of the feeling it might be worth considering some counselling. Some areas have family mental health centre who specialise in family relationships - not suggesting you AND your dd need to go but they may have experience with mothers in similar situations. I'm sure one of the guys I saw said they worked with people who had pnd years ago.

Albrecht, thankyou, I will look into that.