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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

how to explain death (death of friend's cat) to 3yo DD?

13 replies

titferbrains · 01/02/2012 11:36

Have not yet considered how I will explain death to DD. Don't want to alarm her as she is quite a drama queen. We often visit these friends and she loved stroking the cat. He was very elderly and had to be put down last week.

Any good books to explain this? We are not religious so not really sure how to frame this...

OP posts:

BlueChampagne · 01/02/2012 13:51

Have had to tell DSs (currently 2 and 4) that 2 dogs and 1 horse have died (been put down) in last 6 months. I kept it simple and low key - "next time we go to X's, the cat won't be there any more." Only answer the questions they ask.

Sorry - can't suggest any books.

exexpat · 01/02/2012 14:01

Goodbye Mog would be the obvious age-appropriate book here.

I'd just be very matter of fact about it - maybe also point out any dead flies or worms you may spot while out and about, and explain that eventually bodies stop working.

I might not mention the fact that the cat was put to sleep - that is possibly one step too far to grasp at that age, if death is a new concept.

BlueChampagne · 01/02/2012 15:34

Definitely don't mention the fact that the cat was put to sleep. I left that bit out too.

UnimaginitiveDadThemedUsername · 01/02/2012 15:39

Last summer, one of our two cats suddenly died when we were away. DD was two-and-a-half at the time.

We had to tell her because next door neighbours daughter (who is same age and friends at nursery/pre-school) saw him dead on shared path.

Basically, we just said that he'd died. There's been a few questions about him since (occasionally in conjunction with questions about deceased relatives), and the odd comment about him since (he was friendly to her), but all in all it hasn't been a big deal.

We borrowed a copy of 'Goodbye Mog', but it was pretty much ignored in favour of other stories.

All in all, she's been a bit more robust about it than I have. We try to be matter-of-fact about it and she largely does the same (I think she picks up on it because I occasionally mention things, rather than her coming our with it herself).

Don't know if this helps or not, but thought I'd share.

UnimaginitiveDadThemedUsername · 01/02/2012 15:41

Oh - 'Laura's Star' is quite good in a roundabout way - it talks about loss rather than death, so that might work if unhappy to broach the subject of death so directly.

GrimmaTheNome · 01/02/2012 15:41

Badgers Parting Gifts was the story DD kept asking for when her great-uncle died when she was 3. She knew he'd been old and ill, and seemed to accept quite naturally that his lifespan was over.

Before this had happened we'd had a goldfish or two die - we'd solemnly buried them under the honeysuckle and DD knew that their bodies would return to the earth to nourish the plant.

Original poster

titferbrains · 01/02/2012 16:11

tks for all replies, will check out those books and will keep my explanation simple.

OP posts:

GrimmaTheNome · 01/02/2012 16:30

Oh, and as well as not mentioning being put to sleep, don't say 'kitty is having a long sleep' or any such euphemism - people have accidentally scared kids from going to sleep by doing that!

peppersaunt · 01/02/2012 21:08

Badgers Parting Gifts is lovely but DD didnt really like. She loved Alfie and the Birthday Surprise (esp for Alfie fans) which was about a neighbours cat dying. Also the Fall of Freddie the Leaf which focuses on something not as sad in a "cycle of life" way. Its American but I believe can be ordered on Amazon.

peppersaunt · 01/02/2012 21:09

TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 01/02/2012 21:16

Well, I told ds when his great granddad died, I said he was dead and we are all sad, and we won't be able to see him again (this is what was advised by Cruse). In contrast to this, some other relatives told ds he had just gone away for a few days, which could get confusing (and also could cause anxiety for ds if anyone did say they were going away for the weekend!). So I think you're ok to tell your dc the cat is dead. Ds was 3 at the time btw.

TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 01/02/2012 21:17

Should have said also that your dc will probably accept what you say, and if she has any more questions, you can deal with them as they arise.

Caboose · 01/02/2012 21:28

My parents' dog was put to sleep recently, as have two other dogs in our family in the last two weeks. We told our DS who had just turned 3, that the dog was very old and very ill and had died. He took this on board, and asked some questions about when he's coming back, but we just told him he wasn't. He occasionally asks where he is, and we keep telling him that he's not coming back as he's dead. The dog was cremated and is back in a box on the shelf, but we thought that was a bit too much to tell him.

I wanted to be honest and clear, as I had a lot of issues with death when I was very young and got very anxious about it - this anxiety coincided with the death of my great-grandmother and pet rabbit when I was 5 and I can't remember my parents talking about it with me (maybe they did and I just don't remember it). I don't think they realised how much I took on board - and I think the more anxious I got the more they tried to divert my attention away, and in turn, the worse I became. With DS I just try to be consistent and clear, without scaring him.

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