Bonding

[HarriVonDoom]

Hello, I'm new to Mumsnet. I would like to have some advice about the bonding problem I have with my 1 year old. I've found it very hard to get a real attachment to him and it's getting to the point where I feel as though I have no maternal love for him :( its getting me down and I feel like he is really suffering because of it. I have a two and a half year old and, though we did have some problems in the beginning, I never remember feeling this unattached to him. In fact, we now have a lovely relationship. I don't know whats wrong with me, I just don't know how to connect with him.
Help.

That sounds awful :(

Could you talk to your hv or your gp?

I think that you worrying so much about the situation & writing here for support shows plenty of maternal love & concern.
I second the suggestion to discuss this with your HV or doctor.

Harri - I share your pain. It's a really awful feeling and I never didn't want my DS2 but it just wasn't the same as my DS1. To make matters worse, when I had DS3 we bonded straight away. DS2 was about 3 when I started to feel a little more comfortable and accepting of this. Thing is he is GORGEOUS and the other two can be the testy ones. I have had to work very hard at it and can honestly say (he is now 6) I don't 'love' any of them any differently. However nothing will ever change that 'void' when he was little. I engineered 'moments' with mine (sounds odd I know) and it eventually slotted into place. Please don't feel bad about it - it's a very common thing - just that alot of people won't admit to it! As I have got older and so have my kids I am always surprised at how many people look back now and say - yeah - I had that with my second. Try not yo focus on it too much. Good Luck

Did you have a difficult birth? Attachment issues are common after a complicated delivery. If yes, you might be able to have a briefing with one of the midwives and go through your notes, it's very helpful, albeit painful.

Otherwise, speak with your GP or HV, you are obviously concerned about this so a good mum.

Thanks for the lovely messages. No his birth wasn't particularly traumatic. i think it started because I was told by lots of people that its normal to "dislike" your first child for a bit after the second is born. It scared me because me and my eldest have a brilliant relationship (he is a total mummy's boy!!) and I didn't want that to change. I probably put more effort into making sure the first didn't feel left out that I didn't bond well with the second. I'm trying to make that right now, though it won't replace the time I missed. And I will definitely talk to my HV about it. Thanks for your help.

Harri - that's exactly what I did, I was so worried about upsetting DS1 who I also had a great relationship with. Mine (DS1-3) all love each other to bits now and are very close. You're a great Mum I'm sure, don't let it eat you up because it will pass, the fact that you get why you feel like that will make it so much easier to deal with. Try and get big snuggles in with them both together. Priceless!