12 year old DS just called me a 'fucking bitch'. WWYD?

[Spidermama]

Here's what's just happened ...

DS2, (newly 12) turned off the TV when DS3 (9) was watching it. DS3 moved to turn it back on again, DS2 tried to physically stop him, DS3 pushed him away, DS2 punched him in the face twice.

DS2 cried. DD1 told me what had happened. I calmly told DS2 to go to his room. He said 'no' and started arguing and saying I didn't understand. I told him I didn't want to hear any arguments he just had to go to his room otherwise I'll confiscate his phone for 48 hours.

He stomped upstairs, shouted 'You are a fucking bitch' and slammed the door.

DS4 (who's 7) saw all of this.

WWYD?

If it was me I would confiscate his phone for 48 hours because I heard it.

If dd did what you describe - which is go upstairs when told and muttered rude words about me then I would ignore it unless it was loud enough to hear - this is because it's secondary behaviour and the child had done what he was told.

I also don't put up with arguing about consequences - they have the count of 3 to comply.

You did entirely the right thing though and your child complied 'mostly' - don't have the 'talk' or confiscate the phone/impose consequences until he has calmed down though.

I would be very firm about not insulting and swearing at people and I would point out that I did not do that to him.

With dd if she gets arsey I point out that I don't swear or insult her. She went to push me once and I pointed out that she wasn't allowed to do that in the same way I was not allowed to push her around.

Firstly calm down and breath because I expect you are livid. Before you speak to him have in mind what punishment ( if any) you are going to impose.

Ask him to repeat what he said. When he does ask him if he knows what that means. If he knows what it means (which I am sure he does), ask him if he thinks that behaviour is appropriate (including hitting his brother)

Advise him of his punishment and do not waiver in any way.

Walk out of his room and expect there to be lots of huffing, puffing and mumbling of profanities from him. Ignore them and him.

Good luck!

Oh you poor thing, that's dreadful. Have you made yourself a yet? If not, do that now!

WWID though? I'd throw the book at him! I'd give a very severe punishment to make it clear that this absolutely isn't on.

What do you think you should do?

Eek, ds1 almost 12 and definately at that hormonal age, so watching this thread for tips.

Lauriefairycake have you been reading 'Get Out of My Life But First Take Me and Alex into Town' by any chance? I'm reading it now and think it's great. The authors would totally agree with you about the fact that he complied by going to his room so the other misdemeanor is secondary. Pretty shocking to be called a 'fucking bitch' though. He can't go saying that to women.

I do indeed need a before any further action. I like the idea of asking him to repeat it and talk about what it means. He didn't mutter it by the way, he said it good and loud.

He's already behaving like a teenager. I've got two of those at the moment.

First of all - he's 12, so he knows what he's done. I'd actually let him stew a bit. You may even find tears when you do speak to him. My first thought would have been 'cattle prod' lol. You know him, and how you deal with it also does depend on his attitude when you go up. The phone being taken away for 48 hrs is good, but he also needs to apologise to everyone and then look at another punishment - ie grounding, early to bed tonight, etc.

Definitely shocking to be called that loudly and I would do consequences for that - I don't generally for secondary behaviour though as you can get into some terrible arguments where they're basically grounded for ever because they won't stop arguing/yelling/fighting

I always need much more time to calm down than they do Bloody teenagers move on too quick - but I fake not being pissed off as the incident is done and dusted - it just takes a while for my angry feelings to go down.

Have lots of coffee and is it too early for wine?

I don't generally for secondary behaviour though as you can get into some terrible arguments where they're basically grounded for ever because they won't stop arguing/yelling/fighting

Technically my 19 yr old is still grounded for another 18 years. I do remember the day I grounded him until he was 37!!

LOL Lisaro.

Funny thing is I am completely calm. I shouldn't be It's not as if he normally calls me things like that (all though he IS notorious for kicking off).

I'm almost having to manufacture a bit of outrage before I go up and talk to him. And I haven't had any wine yet simply cos there's none in the house.

Maybe I'm battle weary from dd who is extremely difficult every day at the moment.

Spider there's nothing wrong with being calm. Yes it's unacceptable, horrible, even. But it was said in anger, not just a nasty comment out of the blue, which is miles worse. As I said, let him sweat - he won't know if you're calm or not. Judging by my lads, you'll either get 'so what' for a very short time followed by a bit of unsubtle creeping, tears or indignation. You'll be ok.

Cheers lisaro. He was asleep when I went up!! They do forget quickly don't they? Anyway we had a talk and I've told him to have a good think about it. I did get him to repeat what he said to me which was pretty awkward. At first he pretended to forget, then he said, 'I said bitch. Sorry.' and I said what about the other bit. He squirmed. Which was nice.

Anyway I've told him to come and talk to me and apologise properly. He was sheepish at dinner. He helped a lot with clearing up. I'm thinking another chat before bed should suffice and perhaps no need for phone confiscation.

Is that too light? He does seem contrite.

No I don't think you should confiscate his phone. He went upstairs as soon as you threatened the removal of the phone so I think leave it now.

I agree with how you have dealt with it. I'll never forget the day my very mild mannered 13 yo DD1 muttered quite loudly "for fucks sake" as she stormed upstairs.

I think they have to do it once, they are testing boundaries. They hear all this kind of language at school and probably listen to friends telling them they tell everyone to "f.. off", so I expect they just want to give it a try and see how far they get.

I wouldn't take the phone now he's shown suitable contrition. Just make him bitter if you do and that's not helpful. He knows it was unacceptable and that you will not tolerate it and he's tried to make amends with cleaning up.

He knows, I'd have another talk and leave it at that. Quick above is right about testing the boundaries - it's a new life phase, like the terrible two's.

I am reading this, both horrified (at the swearing) and impressed that you seem to have made your point and got him to really understand why it was so umpleasant to swear at you like this without losing your rag. I have an 11.5 yr old who is already showing signs of teenage surliness and who is starting to challenge me. I think getting them to repeat what they said is a great tactic.

Wrt the phone, he seems to have taken on board your points, he sounds suitably contrite about it all so I don't think taking the phone away achieves anything. He knows he did wrong and I think the whole squirmy conversation is sufficient to make him cringe and watch his tongue for some considerable time to come!

I read the thread title like this
Then the rest of the thread with utmost admiration for how you handled things and your DS's reaction.

My boys are 7 and 5 and I am already dreading the teen years. Well done.

And where can you get this book???

The phone would go here I'm afraid. I'd be down like a ton of bricks.

It's not just the swearing though which is totally unacceptable to me. Punching someone in the face twice is also not on.

Still, I guess we all deal with things differently.

Um, what about the punishment for PUNCHING his younger brother in the FACE TWICE??? Or is being sent to his room the punishment for that ? Where he seems to quite happily fall asleep!

I assume at the very least he will be told to apologise to his brother and that violence is not acceptable?

I agree toomuch..the punching in the face is also a big factor.

Good grief,i suffered 3 teenage boys and they all did this type of thing once each i think. Ds3 said similar then ran upstairs,i did nothing and he started to throw sorry notes down the stairs. I always opted for a massive outburst of "how dare you speak to me like that,you rude boy,i dont even swear at my Mum and im an adult. Followed by a couple of days of coolness which used to do their heads in.Make it very plain that you will not tolerate being spoken to like that by anyone including him and if he does
Chances are he has learnt from this as he probably shocked himself.

I agree about the punching but it transpired fairly quickly that it wasn't as bad as dd had made out. The punched ds was over it pretty quickly after a hug from me and I figure he got justice because DS2 was sent away.

Those of you saying I was too soft, sometimes I wonder. DH is always accusing me of this (he's away tonight).

lizzielou the book is here.
I am reading it avidly at the moment and feeling vindicated. I have marked several pages and plan an almighty 'I Told You So' session when dh comes back. (We disagree quite strongly on some parenting ideas which doesn't help the situation.)

That book looks good!

I would leave it now btw.