Do I care enough?

[Worried]

I have always wanted children and was overjoyed to fall pregnant. I was never very interested in other people's children but thought that it would be completely different once I had my own.
I can't deny that I love my baby but I'm not sure I love him enough. I don't gush on about him like other mums do about their children and I don't think I feel as much for him as others do. If he is under the weather I don't fret and rush to the doctors, hearing him cry doesn't always tug at my heartstrings.
I enjoyed my maternity leave because it was great to have the freedom that working full time doesn't allow. Since I have been back at work I don't find that I miss my son, even though I don't see that much of him.
However I do always want the best for him, whether it is food, education, clothes etc and I breastfed him for longer than any of my friends breasfed their babies. I just don't feel that he is always my number one priority although he is always one of my top priorities.
I feel terrible admitting this - I have never admitted it to anyone. It has taken me a while to pluck up the courage to post here. Please don't think I'm awful, I'm just confused. I haven't yet experienced that all-conquering love that a mother is meant to have for their child and I'm worried that I never will. Has anyone else experienced this?

Worried, I felt so much like this when I had my son. I don't know your age, but I had mine in my mid thirties, so I was well used to living a happy life without children. I didn't feel maternal even when I was giving birth. I mostly felt I was entering strange, unknown territory.

I go through huge swathes of my working day without thinking fondly of my children or violently missing them. I am still a separate entity, much as I love them.

From what you've said, it seems really evident that you feel a great bond with your baby. Personally,(I'm sure others will disagree) I think it's difficult to feel that all-conquering love before your child begins to show his or her personality and can respond to you in a thought out way, as opposed to the early baby reflexes. For me that process began when my son was about 14 months. The older mine gets, (or rather the two of them) the more I love them - because, frankly, there is more of them to love.

As for enjoying maternity leave because of the the freedom. Why not? being a mother doesn't stop you from being you. And if you are not missing your son now you are back at work, could this be because you feel confident and relaxed about his childcare arrangements, and know that he is happy?

I have two sons and I felt much the same the second time round, even though by then I had experienced for myself the joys that children bring - bonding first, all conquering love later.

Dear worried,

don't feel bad I too was like this. Not rushing to doctors or doing the 100mph dash to the nursery room when he cried. When I returned to work I found I didn't 'miss' him but I did clock watch. At each time of the day I mentally made a note "oh this is when he'd have his bottle, Oh he should be going down for his nap now". I became worried that I didn't love him as I should. However, he was very young and had no personality that was obvious. Then as he got a bit older and he's personality started to show through, it crept up on me. I didn't even realise the bond had developed. I can't even now put my finger on when it came about but I remember him getting badly hurt and having to rush to the hospital. I was like a mad woman howling & screaming about 'my baby, my baby'. I would have traded placed with him in an instant to take all he's pain away. From that point on I have realised he is the most important thing in the world to me. Some women bond differently, and some like me don't even know the bond is there until something drastic happens.

If your son is still young maybe it will happen as you get to know him more & can see he's personality. I think coming to terms with motherhood and all it entails is a long steady road of time. You can't be everything all of the time! So things develope at different stages for different mums. You probably care & love alot more than realise...

from D.

I can really identify with these comments - I had my son late (my choice) at 43 after 13 years of marriage - maybe this is something to do with these feelings, I had a very full life before motherhood and, although I really enjoy it, it does irritate me when people assume we were 'trying' (hate that expression) for years and have only now become fulfilled in life. There are many aspects to one's life and, for me, being a mother is just one of them. I stay at home, again by choice and because I am fortunate in not needing to work financially, but I make sure I have a wide range of friends and activities, including voluntary work, I just do not want to talk 'babies' all day long. I too do not rush to pick up my son when he cries and have no qualms about leaving him with responsible babysitters. I am amazed at comments on other threads about couples not getting a night out for years and too nervous to leave their babies - even with grandparents. I also do not experience any emotional feelings re: breast-feeding, which I do because I know it is best for him (and for my figure) and I hate the faff of sterilising etc.

I am glad others have voiced these comments as I was also thinking I was being heartless!

Hi Worried, it sounds like you have given your son a brilliant start & that you care about him deeply. It took me quite along time to feel the fierce love that I do now for my son (just over 2). You didn't say how old yours was.
Just because you don't fret & rush to the doctors for every minor ailment does not make you uncaring or unloving, it probably means you are able to keep a cool head.
Also, not everyone waxes lyrical about their children but again it is not symptomatic of missing love.
Don't be hard on yourself. Try and enjoy what you do with your son & don't torture yourself.
I think it sounds as if you are doing a great job.

Hi Worried,

My advice would be not to worry about what 'other mums' do or feel. In my experience, motherhood is best when you focus on YOUR way of doing things, and not always comparing yourself with other mums (who somehow always seem to be doing things better). As the others have said, it sounds like you're doing a great job with your son. Just relax and enjoy it!

HI there,
I can't really add much to the fantastic and encouraging advice already given but what I can say is I felt/feel EXACTLY the same and questioned my love constantly for a long time I also obsessed about the fact that other people could 'see' my thoughts and I felt so guilty.I would also try and say the gushy thngs I thought I was supposed to but rarely felt it inside. Now I realise that we are all made differently and can only love in the way we feel comfortable with.

I spent ages worrying if there was something wrong with me because I wanted time by myself etc but now I just accept I love ds and wouldn't want to be without him. I've said on another thread that I'm not a 'natural' mother, I find it very hard to sit down and play with him etc. I went back to work recently for three days a week and love it - its time not being a mother and something else to talk about. I felt guilty at first that I only saw ds in the morning to dress him and at night to get his tea and put him to bed but he loves the nursery and I think we both benefit from the break from each other. I don't think anyone is 'right' in their approach to motherhood its just what works best for each individual mother and baby. I'm sure that you love your ds wouldn't want anything to happen to him and he's happy so that's all that matters. There are woman whose be all and end all is their offspring and that's great but society shouldn't make us feel guilty for wanting a life outside of motherhood and telling us what we should be feeling. Its like making woman feel guilty for not wanting any children at all - why does society do that? You're doing great and as long as everyone is happy that's the main thing.

Dear Worried

First of all, good on you for having the courage to share your feelings.

After my first baby I was in shock, I felt so numb and confused. Where was the bond everyone talks about? Why did I feel so separated from everyone and everything? I later found out I had mild PND, which lasted about 12 months. This may not be the case with you, but I just felt a familiarity in what you said.

Anyway, how can you measure something like love, in term of how much is "enough"? I think it's great that you can place yourself high on your list of priorities, along with your baby. Too many women think that when they become mothers they need to become these amazing selfless driven women with boundless energy patience and enthusiasm, and it just isn't possible for most of us mere mortals!

It sounds like you are doing a great job. We so often judge ourselves too harshly, based on other people’s expectations of what makes a “good mother”. Just do what works for you and your baby. All the best!

Worried,
Just because your son isn't always your number 1 priority doesn't mean that he isn't important to you or that you're a bad mum. I'm sure that if he really needs you then you're there for him. And who knows, in the end he'll probably benefit from having a mum who has a balanced life - just think what a terrible responsibility it must give a child to know that their mother's whole life and happiness depends on them and them alone!

Selja I know what you mean about being a 'natural' mother. I too have to force myself to sit down and play with my children, (age 5 and 2)

In fact I find it so hard that I time myself and after half an hour I leave them to it and treat myself (glass of wine/read the paper which ever is appropriate!)
I wish I knew why I feel like this, I hate feeling like this. I find playing with them boring and dull and get easily frustrated if for example the paint gets spilt or they are arguing over which book we are going to read.

I sometimes feel so relieved when they want to watch a video as it means I haven't got to actually do anything. Isn't that an awful thing to admit to. I do enjoy being a mum but I think that maybe after 5 years of having little ones at home I'm just bored (gosh I feel really awful, but sometimes once you start typing and it all comes out it's difficult to stop)

Interestingly I find my relationship with my 5 year old is improving since she started school. I feel I can be 'bothered' to do things with her after school because i've missed her during the day.
My worst times are when they are together, because every thing my 5 year old wants to do with me is usually too grown up or complex for my 2 year old to do. And likewise games my two year old enjoys do not hold my 5 year olds attention for long so she starts 'being silly' or 'getting cross'. Maybe thats why I don't enjoy playing with them, because the big gap in their needs/abilities makes it so difficult to keep everybody happy? Anybody agree or am I just making excuses for myself. It's so theraputic being able to admit feelings that you would never dare tell anybody else in case they thought you were really awful.

I can SO identify with this thread!

Sometimes I worry that I don't DO enough my my ds. He's a lovely, happy contented child who is very self contained and happy to occupy himself, to which I think "great, I can get on with other things!" Sometimes I worry that I don't do enough to stimulate him - but he seems to developing well enough exploring on his own. I wonder if modern society is putting too many expectations onto us! How much time did mothers in olden days spend with their children? They'd have probably been out working in the fields or where ever, with the children playing at their feet or beinbg looked after by their older siblings!

I went back to work f/t when ds was 4 months - and didn't have a single qualm about doing so. I enjoyed my time "off", but I also looked forward to the company at work (it got lonely at home!) The childminder lives literally next door (and with her mother and MIL working with her it is more like a cross with a nursery) and is vastly more experienced than me, so I can always ask her for advice. I enjoy my work - and I enjoy getting home in the evening and spending that time with him.

Ds is now 14 months old - and it's right, the bond does develop more as your baby develops more personality. He's now changing and developing so fast and starting to interact so much more with us, it's a pleasure to get home every night.

Dh and I have always been relaxed about leaving ds with other people - in fact, advice from my best friend (a GP and mother of 4) was to go out when the baby was less than 2 weeks old, to prove that it is possible! We also went off on a 2nd skiing holiday without him when he was only 6 months old (we'd used a nanny service for the first one, just before I went back to work) - dh had injured himself on the first holiday and was desperate for his skiing "fix" and it did us good to have time together.

I also b/f for much longer than anyone I knew - I fully b/f for a full year and have only just (sniff!) stopped the morning and evening feeds (a good stock of EBM and lots of expressing while I was away skiing!)

Dh and I have a theory that if you have kids later (I'm now 40, he's 42), you can go one of two ways - either ultra relaxed or ultra paranoid, and we've gone the former route! We also say that ds made it easy for us as he is such a contented baby - but my parents' view is that it is our relaxed approach that has contributed to him being such an easy baby.

Like you Worried, I don't see him as my only priority - but he is extremely important. Dh is also important - as is our relationship - and as am I! I also don't run to him every time he cries - and I'm sure it's no coincidence that he's slept through from a very early age (he goes down at 8 and we get him up at 6.45 - he even sleeps longer at weekends)

There's no absolute was of quantifying what amount of love is "enough" - and that is because everyone's love is unique, so it is not posssible to quantify it! Your love is "enough", because that is the love that YOU experience. It's neither right nor wrong, nor too little or too much. It just IS. Just enjoy the love you do feel for your wee boy - and don't spoil the feeling by worrying!

Janz, I could have written what you, and many others, have written. Ds wasn't a planned baby by any stretch of the imagination and I don't think that I am a hugely maternal person (inasmuch as, maybe because we didn't think we could have children, having them just wasn't a priority and we had other plans). Going back to work was a huge help because I now look forward to the more limited time we have and I am motivated to do things with him and enjoy them. I had a huge crisis when we went on holiday and spent a long time sobbing because I was at the end of my tether looking after him, accommodating him, hating having to everything dictated by having a baby. That sounds quite selfish; it was, is, but it happened. I sometimes worry that wanting the best for him is different from loving him very much. Actually, they are but I do like him more and more; we wouldn't be without him (as a person) now although sometimes I would happily be not a parent (does that make sense). I am so glad that he is an easy baby, maybe not being consumed with longing for a baby has made us quite laidback which in turn makes him laidback. I don't know. It's not something I admit to anyone other than my husband. It's not exactly what you can talk about when other friends are trying and not succeeding (yet) to get pregnant. It's all quite ironic really.

I love my kids more than anything in the world, but I am soooo glad they have places at a good nursery! There are days when I am sure we would kill one another if we had to spend them together (the other evening we all ended up shouting at one another and upset the cat so much that she peed on my bag - probably serves me right). I used to work 3 days a week, and have just gone up to 4 because dd (my youngest) is so happy at nursery and I couldn't face spending any more mornings at toddlers talking about babies. How do SAHMs manage? I'm sure that my kids do lots of wonderful things at nursery that I would never think of doing (or couldn't face doing) with them. Also, they do stuff tailored to their age groups, not like at home with me where I am juggling the needs of two different ages. I have come to the conclusion that I need to work for the sake of my sanity, and that time away from the children makes me a calmer person and therefore a better mother.

Ditto to all previous messages. I had my baby when I was 32 and she is now 22 months. She was planned and we were delighted when I found out I was pregnant. After she was born, I was concerned that I never experienced this rush of love that other mothers spoke about, and I kept waiting for it to happen. It never did. I did not particularly enjoy the small baby time and my favourite period has been from when my dd reached 18 months or so. At this stage she began to really interact and her personality began to emerge with gusto. I look back to the first 6 months and I can remember absolutely hating it. The loss of freedom, the crying child and the boredom of being stuck at home. I went back to work when she was 8 months old and I have no guilt about this. She is well looked after during the day and happily waves me off in the morning. I go to a job I enjoy and we have a nice time in the evening and weekends. Really the best of both worlds. I would like another baby, and i think next time I won't be waiting for this hugh rush of maternal love to appear, but just get to know my baby and grow to love it.
I now can honestly say I love being a Mum, but I love being me also, the separate individual who goes to work and has a life outside of motherhood.

You have no idea how reassuring it is to read that others have been in the same boat as me and that I'm not some kind of freak. I have found your replies really helpful and am really grateful to you for being honest about a topic that is really difficult. I have not even mentioned this to my partner because I am worried of his reaction.
What has been great about this is that unburdening myself here and reading about others' experiences seems to have taken a big weight and pressure off my mind. I already feel so much better about my son (he is 9 months by the way) and feel closer to him in the last couple of days since I finally admitted my thoughts. I am hopeful that as his personality emerges I will be able to love him even more.
Tigermoth - I was 32 when I had my son so like you had had quite a long period with my career and my partner as my main focus. Perhaps it is just difficult to get another focus after so long.
I am very happy with the nursery he goes to, so perhaps this is why I don't worry about him while I am at work.
I have spent the last couple of days trying to analyse why I might feel this way. I had a happy childhood but my father was away a lot on business but always provided in the material sense. Perhaps this is why I am so keen to prove myself as a mother in that way. Also, when I met my partner there were no orchestras or flashing lights, it took a long time till I felt that he was "the one" - it just crept up on me rather than hitting me in a flash. Perhaps this is how it will be with my son.
Once again thanks to all those who replied, I hope that it also made you feel better.

Why should you want to spend all day with your child? It's not a crime not to want to.

Evesmum - your posting really struck a chord with me! I also wasn't happy being at home during my maternity leave - I remember feeling distinct pangs of envy at 8am when I saw all the commuters leaving for central London out of my kitchen window. I have also struggled with the feelings you have voiced, Worried, and have come to the conclusion that there will always be something that starts the guilt off in me vis a vis my son but I personally need to go the route that makes me (not my friends, my family or husband) feel the best - and suffer some guilt. The positives of feeling guilty (if you can call it a "positive") is that it means you care - very much.