Zero tolerance approach to bullying sibling??

[DrFish]

Looking for advice here. I have 2 dcs - DS(8) and DD(6). Ever since DD was born, DS has not liked her and done some very nasty things to her. I assume he is very jealous. When she started to crawl he would pull her feet so she couldn't move, and hold her ankles when she tried to walk.

This has got worse and worse over the years, to the point where he now will not even sit next to her or touch something she has just touched, and he will start shrieking if she looks at him. He still does all the nasty things too - today he deliberately tried to make her fall off a swing. Luckily she managed to hold on. He does these things with a look of delight on his face. I think he really wants to hurt her.

I am so worn down by all of this and feel I can't leave them alone together for fear of what DS might do. I realise this sounds like the Horrid Henry/Perfect Peter scenario, but honestly, DD does not provoke him or intentionally annoy him. I sense she is starting to figure out that if she cries then DS might get into trouble, so I try to ignore her if I think that is happening. But usually I have seen him do something.

I have been trying to ignore small fights and leave them, but now I feel this has gone too far and I wonder if a zero tolerance approach is needed? When he tried to make her fall off the swing, I told him he would not be getting one of the muffins I baked after school, but DD would, because he was so mean to her. Last week I cancelled a playdate because he went into her room and deliberately smashed up the lego she was building. I asked him why he did that and he said he was walking past and just thought how horrible she was so he did it. He has never apologised, for anything.

Would really appreciate advice. Thanks.

Can I give a younger sibling POV?

My brother is six years older than me. And from the earliest I can remember he would always hit/kick etc for no reason, or mainly because I wouldn't do what he said

His favourite line was 'respect your elders'

I appreciate those who had younger siblings and you felt you were treated differently, but how would you like to be constantly bullied in your own home? I used to be so frightened by him.

The worst attack I can remember was one Saturday afternoon/evening when I was about 12, so he would of been about 18.

I was sat on a neighbours wall with my friend (the neighbours knew us and didn't mind) and my brother pulled up in a taxi and got out. He was drunk as he had been out drinking quite early on.

He saw me and my friend sat on the wall, and red mist descended. He started going bat shit, all because I was sat there

He went to grab me, but I managed to run and I got inside my house. He cornered me in the kitchen. My mum had managed to get in between us as he was throwing punches. She eventually managed to get him off and I ran out of the house. My dad was at work and never saw it. Funnily Dad was never there when he went off on one.

That night I refused to go home. I stayed at my friends house (it's only 3 doors away).

His behaviour was never dealt with, I never got an apology and the abuse continued until I left home at sixteen.

After I had left, my brother turned his anger onto my parents. He would regularly threaten my dad. Now after all these years (11 since I left) they admit I was right and it should of been dealt with years ago.

My mums Dsis saw the behaviour in my brother years ago (she raised three boys who even now wouldn't cross her )and told my mum it needs sorting now. But as usual she buried her head in the sand

Now op, you are in better place to deal with this. Just because he is her sibling does not justify being tolerant. Ask yourself, if another child was doing this would you let it continue? HE IS ABUSING YOUR DD. IT HAS TO STOP.

He will only get worse if you don't. Please protect your DD.

Anyway the damage is now done. I won't forget what he's done. I'm civil and once my parents are no longer here then I do not want anything to do with him. I can almost forgive the behaviour when he was younger, but certainly not when he was an adult

I honestly think that in your position I would consider family therapy - at least give it a try - to find out what on earth is going on. It's not a problem that affects only one of you, but all of you. Your son obviously has self esteem issues, poor lad, and your daughter is at risk too with a sibling who hates her. And you are probably unintentionally reinforcing and exacerbating it all (what with being a mother and all, it's your job to be wrong!).

What have you been doing until now? If he hits her is there any consequence? When he pulled her legs as a baby were there any consequence?

I would punish every single time he hurts her. You could get a bead jar and reward him with a bead every time he does something good and he looses one for every time he hurts her. Say for every 10 beads he gets a treat. Or maybe he has to earn tv time with his beads. I would stay away from punishments like time out or sending him to his room which could worsen the jealousy.

How much one on one time do you get with him? Could you have one night a week where the two of you go out and do something together and maybe also one morning on the weekend, use this time to talk about his feelings.

IloveGreggs that is awful. Does your brother recognise that he has anger issues now as an adult?

Thanks for sharing your experiences and for the suggestions. Lots to think about.

DS's behaviour has been challenging at times but I think overall we are ok now in that respect - he needs firm boundaries and he (mostly) respects them. But his problem with DD continues. I will talk to him but I imagine he feels that DD is the cute little one who doesn't get told off so much. But if she is, it's not her fault - we haven't needed to be particularly firm with her as she's quite passive and obedient. He won't see it that way of course.

hardboiledpossum yes he gets one to one already but I'll think about specific activities we could do together. I'll ask him. There have always been consequences for hurting DD but I think I was a little in denial about it until recently and telling myself it was normal sibling squabbling.

It could be good to have a set time and day each week that he knows it's his time

What a problem! Does DS bully anyone else or is it just a sibling thing?

You've got to say enough is enough or in a few years you'll have an even bigger problem on your hands which will not be as easy to sort out. Yes they are going to have rows and fights and you can't sort everyone out but there is a difference between normal squabbles and this type of unreasonable bullying I think.

Have you tried sitting down quietly with DS and talking and LISTENING. Things are more difficult to sort in the heat of the moment when tempers are frayed or you're tired. Do you think DS is jealous, do you give notably more favour or attention to DD. Try to treat them equally where possible but talk to DS so he understands that younger children need a little more attention and that doesn't mean you love/prefer them, this may seem obvious to us but needs explaining to a child.

Next time you have a situation where DD is at fault make sure she gets reprimanded properly so things are fair. Do take a firm approach to this though, if she had fallen off the swing she could have seriously hurt herself, he needs to understand this and the consequences. Ask him how he would like it if someone older and bigger was doing things to hurt him? And finally, you say he has never apologised, this is not on, if you don't mind me saying so, he needs to start doing this and fast at his age. I have made mine say this to each other from the word go, and they have to say it like they mean it, even if it takes 10 sorries, it's worth it. Good luck.

The thing is that DD actually doesn't get more attention - maybe she did when she was a baby but now I would say it's DS who gets more of me. I spend a lot of time doing homework with him while DD has to go off and play on her own.

Had a slightly better day today. I tried very hard to praise times when he was near to DD but not being nasty! I told him that she looks up to him because he's older and can do more.

He doesn't act like this with anyone else, only his sister. He is lovely with his 5 year old cousin, really patient, playing with him and looking out for him. It's so nice to see. If kids at school are mean to him he takes it really badly, and can't see that sometimes he plays a part in the squabble, like winding someone up until they lose their temper!

Maybe he really is in denial to himself about how he treats her - you say he doesn't admit it. You could try keeping a record (of the good and the bad) for a week and SHOWING him that he hurts her.

Good idea, I could do that. I usually try to move on once an incident is over but I guess we need more extreme measures now. He was asking for a playdate this morning and I said not until I see some kindness to his sister.

oops, sorry, stupid me, posted under name I changed to for completely different thread about something different - thought keeping separate names would help me keep track, obviously not!