Fallen out with friend over childs behaviour?!

[geneveve]

I was wondering if anyone else had found themselves in this position.
I became friends with a lady that I met through my antinatal classes and ever since having our children, which would be 2 1/2 years ago, we have met twice a week for playdates. This was all fine until about a year ago when I really started noticing major differences in the way that our children played. My friends son is lovely but is very quiet and seems to only be interested in playing with his mum. My son is very outgoing, loves children of all ages and at times can be very boisterous (not sure I spelt that correctly)

My friend approached me just over a week ago, whilst at my house for a play date, and said that she no longer wanted my son to come to her house for playdates. When I asked her why? she replied that she didn't like the way my son played and that he had broken a couple of toys. When I asked her what he had broken she looked a bit"put on the spot", and the only two things she came up with were a piece of cardboard packaging that housed jigsaw pieces, and had been previously ripped by her son, and a replica car that isn't meant for 2 year olds, should be for display purposes only, which had a cracked back window, this too had been previously damaged. Now I am not saying that it is ok for my son to damage items further, and on both occassions he was told off and said item taken away from him, but I do feel my friend has overreacted a little and feel a little put out that she didn't approach me before to outline any concerns and just went straight to banning my son from her home.

To make matters worse, shortly after we had had this disscussion her son broke one of my childs toys and very little was said about it from her?

I don't want to fall out completly over this, or for it to remain a permanent problem but it is obvious that now our children are growing up they are developing very different characters. My son loves to play and if he approaches my friends son he either gets shouted at, pushed away or the other boy cries, when my son hasn't done anything to warrant this reaction.

Any ideas what I should do? x

I think if you wish to remain friends with this woman, that it needs to be an adult friendship, conducted during evenings rather than with DCs.

She does sound a bit PFB

Unless she's said 'let's meet up on our own in the evening or for coffee' there isn't anything you can do
She's effectively ended the friendship
Did she suggest seeing you without the boys?

Hi Gumby and olympicEater,

My friend tried to arrange the playdates as usual this week, meeting up twice, but basically suggested both meets should be at my house and not the usual 1 at hers and 1 at mine. I felt a bit put out that she felt it ok to come to my house twice a week and for my son to still not be allowed to come to hers. I am probably being a littel " cut my nose off to spite my face", but feel that its one rule for one and one rule for another.

I bet my last rolo that whatever it's about, it's not about your son ripping a bit of cardboard that had been ripped before by her own child and doing a bit of damage to a toy car.

Perhaps you should ask her what the REAL problem is.

I would only agree to meet at an outside venue, soft play or toddler group, etc.

Yes, it's a bit cut of your nose to spite your face, but she can't come round to yours without reciprocating, in these circumstances.

why invite her twice? Why not just once, I don't get that you need to do her play date and your own?

But why not find other friends for your ds that he will enjoy playing with rather than a child that is so different from him?

No that's not fair - if your son were badly behaved and likely to be too "boisterous" then surely she would be withdrawing her son?

I had a friend whose dd was allowed to do anything and there was no comeuppance from her mother. So I stopped seeing them. I didn't like the behaviour of the child or attitude of the mother so stopped contact. I wouldn't have found it acceptable at her house but not mine.

Maybe she just doesn't want you round? Perhaps for ease? Do other mum's go around there do you know.

that seems very unfair, she is saying its okay for her kid to break your child's toys and things in your house but not the other way round! what about meeting up on neutral ground for a bit eg park, soft play? unless this has put you off meeting up with her, which i wouldnt blame you if it has! i agree with the suggestion ask her wat the real problem is because its quite strange.

Good point. This has crossed my mind. I must admit that things have been feeling like they're getting quite competitive between us in relation to the children. My friends son seems to excel in his general knowledge but isn't that great in the physical department and my son can be quite lazy with colours, numbers etc but is great at anything physical.

My son loves to roleplay with toys and I feel that he is a typical "boys boy" in the sense that he has car crashes with his cars and his toy dinosaurs, which he is totally mad about, have fights and roar alot etc. If i've got things to do, washing, ironing for example, my son can occupy himself until i've finished, but my friends son will not leave his mothers side, no matter where we are or what we're doing and wont interact with my son. They used to when they were younger, but admittedly they used to spend a lot of time secured in prams either eating or sleeping as we pushed them around. Now that my son is 2 1/2 and I also have a 12 week old, my first born tends to walk everywhere, if i'm not using the car, as my little one is in the pram.

When my friend comes around for a playdate I try to encourage her to stay in the kitchen with me for a coffee whilst our 2 year olds play next door in the front room, keeping an ear and out for them of course, but this doesn't seem to help either as he only follows her into the kitchen or after 5 minutes, she will go into the front room and start playing with him?

Allow the friendship to change and evolve is my advice, so either continue to have her round if you're happy to or meet up somewhere neutral, somewhere ina bigger group or in the evenings when DC are in bed.

I have some lovely friends who I have made "through" my DC if that makes sense. Some of those friendships never evolved beyond us having DC in common and when the DC went to different schools and/or stopped getting along so well the friendships fizzled out, and that's ok.

Some of those friends have continued and it can be challenging. Different parenting styles come in to play an also the DC will fall out. My DS was best friends with a lad and then just outgrew him and moved onto someone else. They'll still play together in a group but I wouldn't have that friend around on his own to play with DS as they have little in common BUT my friend and I still get together in the evenings and at week ends.

As your DC get older you realise that you cannot force them to be friends and play the same way as others - the older they get the harder it is to decide who they play with. You need to decide whether your friendship with this lady can outlive the one between your DC or not

I've got this with a friend as our dds are very different and apparently also our parenting styles. I still love her but it's tough.

She sounds a bit neurotic.
I wouldn't continue a friendship with anyone who didn't want my child in their house.
Simple as that.

I am on the receiving end of this. Slightly different as it is a family member. He is boisterous, and very disrespecting of my kid's possessions. He hasn't actually broken anything, but he sort of goes through everything, chucking it about and making a mess. I am always on edge when he is here. I have changed it now so that we meet at a local pub, it has taken the pressure off me.

I cba with badly behaved kids by the way...I have ditched friends owing to their brats' poor behaviour before.
I don't think this is what is happening here though....her son sounds as wet as a used flannel, and if I'm being honest that would get on my tits just as much. I can't bear not being able to conduct a conversation because of clingy, whining misery guts toddlers. I think it very rude of the parents to visit someone only to ignore them in favour of pandering to whining. Yuck.

I think it's a case of sod the playdates - doesn't sound like your lad gets anything out of them. Unless you're indenial about your boy being a horror, he's being made to socialise twice a week with a kids that cries when your son approaches him.
No way.

I'm glad you've replied pictish, you sound like someone on the same wavelength as me. My son isn't always good and crosses the line from boisterous to badly behaved on occassion, but if this happens he is told off, put on the naughty step or taken home etc, so i'm not one of those mums thats under any illussions about her kids or thinks that he/she is a total angel.
I feel exactly the same about clingy, whiny kids and maybe this is part of the problem between me and my friend. I don't say anything to her about her childs behaviour as I feel that its not my place, afterall, he's not badly behaved just clingy and needy, which she helps to encourage. I really cant stand adults like that let alone children and maybe my face says it all?

As for my son, he will ask after the little boy on a regular occassion but if i'm honest he's probably not getting anything out of their playdates anymore.

oh come on 'clingy whiny kids' at 2 1/2??

poor kid.

as you said, if they aren't getting anything out of it then best for them not to play.

but it is also about learning for them about different behaviours, and she is obviously being a little pfb.

my dd and her best friend at that age were very different, and there used to be lots of run in's, but they overcame it eventually. when they were 3.5 and onwards they jelled more, as they changed.

Kids go through different phases, their "friendships" at that age are not really friendships. The way your friends is going about it is a bit odd, sounds like you need to go to more neutral places for a while if you want to remain friends. My close friend and I had a pretty long spell when we just couldn't meet up at either her house or mine because our boys would start fighting withing about 5 mins. 99% of the time it was mine who started screaming and kicking off over toys. They were little, they reacted to sharing etc in different ways and unfortunately for me mine was a shouter/hitter (though obviously I did deal with his behaviour but ultimately you have to wait for them to grow out of it and acquire the skills to deal with situations). Fast forward a few months during which they both grew up a bit and their language skills improved and we could happily sit in the living room with cake while the boys played upstairs together and we never heard a peep.

True, maybe I do need to learn to be more patient with other peoples children and maybe it is a little unfair to call a 2 1/2 year old clingy and whiny. But i'm not being PFB with my first child, never have and never will as I feel thats its ultmately the child that ends up suffereing when they cant mix properly with other children or people just get fed up with their behaviour.

I've come to the conclusion that there is no easy answer to this solution, and I think I will continue to meet with my friend, perhaps once a week on neutral territory and see how it goes. I just don't think its fair to have to feel that I need to apologise for my childs behaviour when he hasn't done anything wrong, and is just of a very different character to my friends son.

Thank you everyone for your replies though x

You sound very nice. If someone had come to me and told me that my son was banned from her house then it would have to be the end of the friendship, I'm afraid.

I wound end the friendship with a cutting - good luck when he starts school and you can't control who he plays with and how that play goes !

I think she has unrealistic expectations of your child his behaviour sounds normal for his age. How would she feel if you had said not to bring her son to your house because he is clingy and won't play with your son? My best friends son and my dd are same age and have had some spectacular scraps over the years we just make light of it because we know its normal they still fight like cat and dog but also love each other to bits and stick up for each other at school. I think if you can should tell her how hurtful you have found her attitude. Does her ds attend nursery at all? If not she may be shocked at first when he comes home and has been on the receiving end of a bite or with an accident form! You sound lovely and sure you can make other friends with children similar age. It is a sad situation but I really think its down to your unrealistic mean friend!

Thank you ladies for the lovely comments. It is a really tricky situation, made harder by the fact that my circumstances have changed as I now have a 12 week old baby too. I find going to play centres with my two children difficult as I cant run around with my 2 1/2 year old whilst looking after the little one. My friend used to take her son and mine into the big play area and look after them both, but after the stinging comment about my son a week or so ago, I am reluctant to have her supervise him incase its something else she throws at me at a later date x

She should also take into account your new baby, maybe your ds is extra boisterous at the moment? I just think it is insensitive and she needs to be more tolerant and realistic. I'm sure at some point we have all secretly been annoyed at other peoples children whether rational or not. But most people just keep it in and smile for the sake of not offending the parent and saving a friendship! Maybe you should avoid her for a while and not make contact and say you can't make the next few play dates. If she stops making the effort then maybe let it drift if she asks why your avoiding her be honest and maybe things will be resolved.