DS ruining our relationship with tantrums!

[yummicheddars]

I feel like I've been pushed to my limits, my DS1 is 2 and a half, he is testing us, tantrums, doesn't listen to a word we say, I am 27 weeks pregnant and we're meant to be getting married in july but we're being pushed apart. Just don't know what to do anymore, DS is making us argue constantly, he does everything he wants and if he doesn't he screams kicks and punches. Me and DP are both VERY down. I feel as though I'm making a terrible mum. DS is actually driving us both mad, we are young parents, 21 anyway, he works full time, I'm full time mum and full time paramedic student, so stress is high anyway. I cry everyday, as I write this infact. How do relationships cope through such 'spoilt' kids tantrums and moodiness?and how on earth do I stop DS from being like this.

"How do relationships cope through such 'spoilt' kids tantrums and moodiness?and how on earth do I stop DS from being like this"

It depends on each child and each parent, but in our case, not giving up to what ds wanted sorted the problem before it became an issue. He learned early on that tantrums were not getting him anywhere, even if he was right.

If you are aware that your child is ok, not feeling ill, has had enough sleep, and is not hungry, just let the tantrum run its course... for as long as it takes (don't respond to it, just be there but do not show any emotion), but put him in a place where he can go through the tantrum without hurting himself.

You need to be consitent though, as soon as you give up to a single tantrum you are back to square one..

Bookmarking for later . I own a horror !

Thanx..well he has started throwing his head against something hard in a tantrum, he used to do it when he was a baby but stopped. Things are going to get very strict around here.

Now that you mentioned the head banging... what happens before he starts doing that?

The main thing that seems to come across in your post is that you believe your DS is responsible for trying to push you apart. He isn't, he is just a baby, behaving how babies do. Please please don't blame your child for problems with your adult relationship. It is not fair on him, you and your partner are the adults here, and need to take responsibility.

In relation to how you stop DS behaving like that, you need to be consistent. When you say no, mean it, and never ever change your mind because he has a tantrum. As he gets older, it will get easier, they all go through this stage. Is there any way you can reduce the stress you are under in the other areas, maybe taking time out from your studies for a while? Or is there anyone nearby that can look after your DS for a bit to give you and DP a break and a bit of time on your own? I am sure you are not a terrible Mum, just going through a difficult time. You will get there!!

Agree with the others about being consistent and also agreeing between you and DH what you are going to do so that you work as a team rather than against each other.

Agree what the consequences will be for naughty behaviour and give a warning "if you don't stop that I will put a train in the jar" works for us and be prepared to follow it through every time.

Try to pre-empt tantrums that come from being hungry or tired, maybe try distracting him if you can but also be prepared to walk away until it has run its course.

Agree with Pig. Your Ds is 2, he is supposed to have tantrums

You have a lot on your plate but make time soon for you and dh to sit down and have a chat. Agree how you will handle the tantrums, you both have to do the same thing or Ds will get confused.
If he has a tantrum ensure he can't hurt himself and then ignore him. When he quietens down divert his attention so he stops thinking about what he can't have/do.

I think you need to remember that you are the adults and he is a child. DS is not making you do anything, he is just being a normal toddler. You are responsible for your own reactions to that, and it sounds like you need new strategies for coping with it.

You're not a bad mum, everyone finds the toddler years tricky, but you must keep reminding yourself that it is a phase and it will pass. Do you ever get a break from your son? How about you and DP, do the two of you ever get any time together? It sounds to me like you could use some help - do you have any friends or family who could give you a bit of a breather? Failing that, could you contact Homestart for a helping hand?

Don't beat yourself up about stuff - being a parent is hard work, no matter how old you are. Don't be afraid to ask for help. But do take responsibilty for how you are feeling and try to do something about it.

X post with notinmykitchen

My ds2 is 2 in march and has about a million tantrums a day. Ds1 was the same. Ignore the behaviour you don't want and praise the behaviour you do. It takes quite a while but the tantrums do start to pass.

Even ds1(4) still has the occasional tantrum! It's all about them wanting to be independent/ test the boudaries and generally feeling frustrated.

He isn't trying to push you apart. He's still so young and is just behaving how he's supposed to. It's up to you two to discuss this and work out how to deal with it without letting it get to you. It's really not that serious, it doesn't mean he's spoilt, it's normal

Hi Hun. Just going through this myself at the moment. Mine has just screamed all the way round the supermarket. Why? Not really sure, don't think he is either. Heis tired tho soprobably shouldn't have gone but it's getting quite frequent with the screaming and launching of dummies. I ignore it and the glances from other people. Inside tho my stomach is crunched up in a little ball and I'm dying with embarrassment. I will be honest and say I'm
Not particularly enjoying motherhood at the moment and think I'm
Not a natural as some people seem to be and I worry aboutit constantly. Still love him dearly tho and do my best to involve him. We do baking and go to the park, have cuddles and read books etc etc but I still feel like I'm just surviving each day rather than enjoying his toddler years. Still here's hoping it will soon pass and we all feel better soon. Pm if you want too I'm always here to listen. Andlike the other posters say, consistency and mean what you say. It does work but takes time :-)

Sorry, but I don't think most 2 and half year olds understand the concept of consequences. Tantrums are usually about frustration on the part of the child due to lack of ability to do or say something that is important to them. It doesn't matter if it doesn't seem important to you. Being "strict" will probably either escalate things or make him so cowed he will lose his confidence. I've done different things with mine depending on were we were - cuddles till calm (extreme rage is frightening for a small child), playpen if I thought the cuddling approach wouldn't work, strapped into carseat/pram if we were out (mainly for safety reasons), tactical ignoring, calming music, instant snack (lots of temper tantrums are related to hunger which creeps up on them suddenly), CBeebies. I am sure that there are plenty more.

Yours and your son's emotional well-being matters a lot more than a wedding. If your studies are being disrupted, do you have a sympathetic supervisor who might agree to a short break for you to regroup? Have you talked to your GP about the crying? I hate sounding like I am trying to diagnose depression, I really am not, but had you considered it as a possibility?

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and being older doesn't really help with managing tantrums - I was twice your age when mine were in the terrible twos. It was still bloody hard going.

Obviously, kids add tremendous pressure to any relationship because they are very hard work but you do know that it's not his fault you and DP are arguing, don't you?

Yes I know its not his fault we argue, its the stress I think. We have tomorrow night without DS so will do something romantic. I love DS so much it hurts to see him upset but I know I have to stick to it. Will work very hard on managing his behaviour and doing more with him, and with my DP instead of stressing out at eachother, we should agree on parenting and talk more. We don't talk a lot. Thankyou all. My DS is an angel when we're out, he is an angel at nursery an when babysitters/nana has him. He has never mis-behaved for anyone other then us and he uses his manners all the time. He says please and thankyou. Even if someones just moved out his way to get passed, he will say thankyou, so he is not all that bad, its just the tantrums.

He probably misbehaves with you because he feels secure with you. Work on managing his behaviour by all means, but the tantrums won't go away overnight, so work on letting them wash over you too. It's normal, you're not doing anything wrong, and this too shall pass!

Have a good evening tonight! :)

If it is any consolation dd was the queen of tantrums as a 2yo, but is a beatifully behaved teenager. SO it may be that there are good times ahead

I hope so cory! A fun evening ahead..I'm at work DP has him, he'll be in bed by then though, just reading him some books and working on his colours x

Thanks cory lol gives me hope too.