Nearly 10 year old DS mardy arse moody & rude

[carocaro]

Arrrrggggggggghh.

Yes again another Saturday stress about swimming lessons, I resisted asking him the 20 times to get ready, the he yelled at me that he had to go as I was making him. I am not he wanted to go and I've paid £70 for it and he can't just give up because he can't be arsed. It's the way he talks to me, it's made me upset. I said he needs to learn to swim better (he can swim) but not that well and needs the technique etc. I have explained to him that when he's at high school they swim and he will be behind his peers if he does not get his arse in gear and that (if) we go to France in the Summer it would be great if he can be better at it. He wants to be better just does not want to put the work in. Well tough tits, it's the way it works. He wanted a weekend as he said he did not like lessons after school and the saturday club is a proper swimming club.

But then again what is the point, why do I bother for a whole heap of hassle and shite? Is is just a mother/son thing?

I feel like giving up and giving in. Help.

My DS is 10 next week. I'm so sorry I have no advice but I'm hitching my wagon to your thread in search of advice. I could have written that post. I'm wondering are they all like that on average and it will pass
< fingers crossed >

Oh FS let's hold hands. I feel shit when I am trying to do my best for him. He wants to watch Planet of the Apes later on DVD, or World of the Chimps as he called it, but I am thinking not has he was vile. DH has taken him swimming.

The DVD is off the cards. In fact, when he gets back from swimming, you and DH sit him down (v important you do it together - united front) explain that his earlier behaviour was completely unacceptable. When he's told to do something in future, you expect him to do it straight away. As punishment, there will be no treats or TV for the rest of the day and he will be instead helping mum and dad to do work around the house. He is also expected to apologise. Any frothies and the punishment gets worse.

10yo they are not small children any more and they are chancing their arm on a little teen-style bolshieness to see how far they can push it. You have to come down on it like a ton of bricks whenever they try it because, if you don't squash it out of them now , by the time they hit 14 and are a foot taller than you, you will have no chance whatsoever.

My tuppence:

Disrespectful comments are never acceptable & have to be tackled head on in the moment. Otherwise

It is more important to you than to him that he goes, OP.
When I am in that position, I make sure they get ready, I stand over them if necessary until they've done each step to get ready. I don't bother getting shirty about it, I refuse to get emotional about it (any more).
Swimming is a prerequisite for my older ones before they can do any other clubs, and they accept that, if grumbling on occasion.
They lose pocket money to cover the cost if they really refuse to go.
But I do not resent (any more) having to nag/cajole to get them there.

DH takes the other tack, expects DC to completely organise themselves getting ready for a club. Then yells at them last minute if they aren't ready, or simply doesn't take them. Sometimes DH doesn't care but sometimes DC are very upset or DH is very upset because really, he wants them to go.

I think I'm much happier with my strategy than DH is with his.

I am just sharing where we've got to. Some kids are so much better at self-organising than others. Some would never do anything if left to own devices and I would not be happy with that for my DC.

ps: if I've completely got that wrong (?oops), and you really think he cares much more about the swimming than you do, then I would deduct from his pocket money each time he didn't go, and stop it completely if he didn't go say, 3x in a row. Life is way too short for this hassle unless it is indeed very important to you that he go.

How exactly you tackle the disrespectful comments?

I've just had a dreadful start to the weekend, as I had the tantrum, after a week when every single day there have been episodes of rudeness, back chat, defiance, surliness and selfishness every single day.

I just couldn't take it at the start of a weekend, and I think being pre-menstrual means I don't have much resiliance today. But any form of cheerfulness or even passing kindness/good naturedness seems very far away right now.

It's exhausting just reading what you are going through. The effort you are putting in and having it thrown back at you.
All the responses are similar in that as parents you are having to push constantly.
With mine, what I did in a quiet moment was to ask what he wanted, and what was the best way of resolving the problem if he changed his mind at the last minute and what he would do if he was me.
It gives him more power over the choices in his life.
Now I remind him once, in plenty of time, of our agreement and then let him get ready in his own time. He hadn't yet failed to go, but if he did, I would let him fail, then discuss it.

I'd love to know how to tackle the disrepectful comments, had I been watching another family, I would think this was learnt behaviour. How very wrong!!! don't know where its coming from, but my tolerance levels have been completed depleted. Like those who have posted before me, could really do with some tips.

To revisit, we talked, he said he did like swimming once he was there, but found it hard, I pointed out how much he had improved in the 6 weeks since he started and he had failed to see that, which has given him a mental boost to keep at it.

I think it's important for him to learn that he just can't give up if he does not feel like it and you have to work at things to get better. He can get quickly frustated when he can't get something quickly, but I suppose it's all part of learning and growing up.

I also said I find his comments and attitude upsetting, because I was trying to help him with something he wanted to do, I was not making him go, but it was important he did, at least the fact that it had all been paid for!

I think the less shouty, pre-planned pick your moment quiet chat a few days before tip has helped a lot, the lets talk about it approach and not the grumpy shouting one, because it just results in pissed off upset grumpier people.

He said something the other day, that was so hurful it made me really cry, he did not mean it as hurfull, but it just touched a nurve. He was getting ready for footy outside and I suggested wearing two sets of skins as it was so cold and he just said 'what do you know about football you're just a Mum'

I know it's all a fine line of letting them get on with it themselves and forging some independence, as well as guiding them best you can.

I also talk to my brother, his uncle a lot, as I am not a boy I don't think like one, DH is good too, but too close to it all. DS did not get into the school footy team and was full on devastated, first crushing disappointment, whatever we did or said made no difference, but then his uncle related how it had happened to him at school but it never put him off loving playing and how he still does 5 a side once a week aged 42!