How do I talk to my children about their sick grandma? If at all?

[NatzCNL]

This may be a long post so please bear with me.

Earlier this week, my DH and I found out that MIL has lung cancer - in both lungs. She has been told it is inoperable. We are awaiting biopsy results to confirm which type of cancer she has and if they can give her treatment (which after searching through every cancer related website I could find, they can, but without surgery it is mainly to prolong the time she has) - I am sobbing as I am typing this, I still cant believe it.

We have 3 daughters, the youngest is only 4 months old, our older two are 5yrs and 3 years (4 in a couple of weeks). They adore their Nanny.

I dont want to jump the gun with telling them anything but so much has been whirling around in my head and I cant seem to find advice on the cancer sites as to how to talk to children about a relative being poorly and what to do once they have passed away.

I lost my Grandad's in my mid twenties and still have my Nan's with me, so this is nothing that my parents have had to deal with.

I feel sick at the thought that she may not survive this.

My question is do I prepare my children by letting them know that their nanny is ill, or do I say nothing and have to break the shocking news later that nanny is no longer with us? I cant and wont yet talk to DH as he is in pieces at his mothers diagnosis. I know we dont have all the facts yet and have no intention of speaking to our children without my husbands consent or until we know exactly what we are facing.

I was just hoping that somebody could offer some advice, or if anybody has had to go through something similar, maybe share your experience.

Im sorry, I know it is a very morbid subject matter, but since finding out, I have not been able to stop thinking about my poor MIL, or how devestating it will be to loose her. Im barely sleeping and am constantly on the brink of tears. My poor daughters will be so so heartbroken if she doesn't win this battle, and my husband - I have no idea how he will cope. I know I have to be their rock which is why I am trying to prepare myself now.

I just prey that this is something we dont have to deal with. After reading all the stats and the likely prognosis of inoperable lung cancer, I have such a gut wrenching feeling that we will not be getting hopeful news next week.

Thank you Natasha x

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, it's very hard trying to make the right decisions in terms of what to tell children.

When my Grandpa was ill and it was clear he only had a few days left we told the dcs (who were 4, 5 and 7 at the time) that he was very poorly and the doctors couldn't make him better so he was going to die quite soon then we just answered all the questions they had as simply as we could.

I tried to be honest and straightforward with them because I didn't want them to see death as something to be afraid of. We're not church-goers but they attend a church school so they already had an idea about going to heaven, etc but you might want to think about what you want them to know about where you go when you're dead. There are lots of good non-religious children's picture books about death and dying that I have seen recommended on here if you need some ideas.

Personally, I wouldn't say anything until you know for sure and the end is close. Hopefully you won't need to say anything for a very long time, but I've found that my dcs deal with things much better if they haven't had a long time to think about it beforehand.

I can tell you what we did with regards to funerals, etc if you want me to.

My Dad was diagnosed with terminal oesophageal cancer in August 2010. We didn't tell the children (then 9, 7, 4 and 1) immediately, partly because we dint live nearby so could plan visits to fit in around chemo.

I am fairly certain I told dd1 last summer when the cancer returned (well it never really went) and Dad had to start chemo again. We told ds1 probably in September.

We have not played it down BUT we haven't mentioned that it is terminal. We have talked about him dying briefly but we (we being dh and my parents too) tend to look at the positive, eg yes he will die probably from the cancer at some point but at the moment he is (in their eyes) well.

There is a Macmillan booklet available about children and cancer that has some ( I think ) good advice.

Sorry you are going through this

Thank you LadyDamerel, we are not religious as such, but they learn about Jesus and bible stories at school and they enjoy stories from their childrens bible at home, and have just hit that age where they are curious about death and why their great-grandads cant come down from heaven to meet them.

I agree that it's probable best not to mention anything until we have to. I cant stand the thought of them losing her, or any of us losing her.

If it's ok, I may PM you about the funeral at a later date, I dont think I can think about that at the moment. Its too surreal

Thank you for replying x

Also, I know she is older than yours, but once dd1 knew, she wanted (and does) to talk directly to my Dad and ask him questions about the cancer.

BadRoly - sorry x-post with you. Im sorry to hear about your dad. I hope you have many years left with him.

I will visit the Macmillan website again as I probably missed a lot of advice on there, still taking in the news at the moment.

Thank you, I hope we get more years too but we are grateful for everyday we get with him - he was "given" 6mths to live 18mths ago! I remember feeling shell shocked when we found out. This is something that happens to "other people". We didn't tell the children for the best part if a year I thunk because we couldn't deal with it.

My 5yo dd2 really doesn't understand (or care/know). Ds2 is 2 so doesn't know/understand. Ds1 (8) keeps himself to himself and doesn't talk about it at all but clearly knows and understands and does have sad thoughts about his Grumpsy. Dd1 who us now 10 is the one who shows it and often comes for a cuddle/cry because she is worried about him.

I think I am trying to say that a lot depends onthe age/nature of the children. I would maybe wait a little until you know more before you talk to them. That also gives you and your dh time to get your heads around it a bit too.

Sorry fir typos, on phone and have too fat fingers!

Feel free to PM if/when you need to .

I'm sorry you're going through this.

My mum was diagnosed with lung and bowel cancer last summer. She was told it was terminal and they were looking to prolong life. She has had chemo and radiotherapy and the oncologists have mentioned that they are beginning to hope for a cure. However, she is very very poorly and it is hard to imagine that there is any real chance of her getting through this.

My dd(8) knows that Granny is ill - she had pneumonia etc - but we haven't said it's cancer. Tbh dd hasn't really wanted details, but as we've had to go flying up the A1 as an emergency a few times, and she's hung around hospitals etc she's very aware that granny is very ill

I think all children are different and there isn't a right or wrong way to deal with this. Your children are very young still and they probably wouldn't understand too much of the details anyway, so maybe just knowing that their Granny is poorly will be enough. I second getting hold of the Macmillan stuff!

It's a horrible disease Take care of yourselves xx

I know it's not exactly the same, but I remember very vividly from when I was 9 and my grandfather was terminally ill. My mum told us that he was very poorly and in the hospital (thankfully for him it wasn't a long drawn out illness).

After a couple of weeks, mum ended up staying at the hospital all night as he sadly passed away, but she came home with a small teddy bear each for me and my sister. She said that granddad had gone to heaven in his sleep but he had told her to give us a teddy bear each so that we would always remember him.

I don't know if that will help you, but I have taken that little bear everywhere with me, it's one of my most treasured possessions, and I'm 31 now!

Massive hugs for you all.

I've had a very difficult past 5 years with My Mum who very sadly was buried a year ago today. She had a severe brain haemorrhage in Sept 2006 then she was recovering well when she was diagnosed with MND in August 2007.

In my experience, we didn't hide anything from DS. He was increadibly close to Mum and was infact in her arms when she collapsed in Sainsbury's with the haemorrhage (he was 2 1/4). But we didn't divulge too many details either. It's very hard to know what to do and only you know really. WIth the haemorrage, we were so caught up in that first week with just whether she'd pull through or not. He was just told she was poorly. In fact, a lot of it is a bit of a blurr and I know he was passed around to wonderful friends who really rallied round. I do remember agonising about whether to take him to the hospital to see her due to all the tubes and machines. In the end we did. I rationalised that I wanted her to get strength from seeing him. He was fine, asked questions and gave her kisses. She hadn't smiled at all at any of us until she saw him carried in and the huge grin was an emotional moment.

By sheer shit luck, the MND diagnosis came the following year and Mum fought until the bitter end. I did explain things to DS as they happened. Her hands went first so I needed to explain to him why she couldn't pick him up etc and then forks and then feed herself etc. DD was born just after the diagnosis so she didn't need as much explaining, she just accepted Mum as she was and the subsequent changes.

After Mum had a trachy fitted in 2009 due to a collapsed lung and bout of pneumonia (By this point he was almost 5), the tubes did upset him this time. She had to remain with a portable venitlator and being tube fed and we explained every tube and what they did. They did scare him and he wouldn't kiss Mum from then on. She would never dream of letting us force him. But he was happy to be with her. We visited every weekend (unless we were ill) and he would do suctions for her (she couldn't swallow).

She got an amazing amount of pleasure from her grandchildren and I do believe they are a large part of how she managed to accept the inevitability of her disease while fighting to live for as long as she could. She couldn't move anything apart from her eyes when she finally passed and while we were all relieved she was out of her suffering, we all cherished every second of her.

It's been hard for them but they also accept things with the grace of childhood. Some things were very hard for them but I firmly believe that when they are adults themselves, they will both feel proud of themselves that they brought such joy to their grandmother just by being there, playing at the bottom of her bed.

As other's said, Macmillian and Winston's wish have wonderful resources. Lots of hugs. It's a horrible thing to go through and I hope you can all be a strength to each other. Children are amazingly resilient and can be such mood-lighteners.

Thank you so much to all who have responded, and my heart felt sympathies for your losses. It is so hard to know what to do with letting the girls know about their Nanny. I worry so much about DH too, we had a cry together today after visiting MIL at home. Was so lovely to see her, but the cough which we had all passed off as the chest infection we had all recently had, made if all feel horribly real.

I have yet to speak to DH about any of this. They should be getting the results of MIL biopsy on Wednesday. She is seeing the Macmillan nurses for the results. I am not sure what they are looking for, my only thought is to see how advanced the cancer is and if chemo is an option? According to FIL, the consultant at the hospital gave her sympathies and said there was nothing she could do. Does this mean all hope is lost for chemo? Wednesday seems so far away.

Again, thank you so much for all of you who have been able to share your painful experiences, and for helping me with our situation. I will be getting info off all the sites you reccomended once we have the results back next week xx

Maybeyoushoulddrive - will keep you and your mother in my thoughts and prayers xx

I am so sorry to hear that your Mother in Law has this condition. It is awful for everyone involved.

My Mum was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in November 2009, as she was incredibly fit and healthy they decided on chemo to keep the cancer at the stage it was. She was diagnosed after routine mammogram and the breast cancer turned out to be secondary to the lung cancer, it was also in many other parts of her body including her brain. She really had no symptoms, no cough, no chest infection, just a dickie hip that she was told was rheumatism, we know better now.

We told my sons, then aged 6 1/2 and 3 1/2 that their Grandma was poorly and that she was having some medicine in hospital to try to make her better. They saw my Mum every week and were very close to her.

She lost her hair with the first round of chemo, we just told the boys in a matter of fact way that the medicine had caused her hair to come out and that now she was wearing a wig. They took it in their stride and were amazingly blasé about it all.

Sadly after the second round of chemo she went downhill rapidly, and we took them to see her in hospital, mainly for her as she hadn't see them because of the chemo. We knew at this stage that they were stopping all treatment as it wasn't working and just made her prone to other infections.

After this visit I told my boys that the medicine hadn't worked and that Grandma was sadly going to die and that she would be going to heaven (she was devout catholic, me and DH non-believers.) What I wasn't prepared for was my eldest son's reaction and he literally collapsed in a heap on the floor in floods of tears. Strangely at that point I managed to keep it together.

She died a week later. They didn't come to the funeral because it was full of people crying and I also selfishly didn't want to have to think about them on the day. My lovely friend looked after them for me.

It is almost 2 years since she died and looking back I am glad we were prepared for her dying and prepared the boys. Try to take photos of her now with the children, my two love looking back at photos of themselves with Grandma and we talk about her.

I hope this helps.

Thank you fizzylemonade, and Im so sorry you lost your mum. Me and DH had a breif chat about digging out the camcorder and making some memories that the girls could actually watch one day. I lost my uncle 4 years ago to cancer, and the one thing that upsets me to this day, is that I cant 'hear' his voice any more. Soon after he passed I couldn't remember what he sounded like and spent weeks trying to remember his voice, even though I had been talking with him only days before he died. We have no audio recording of his voice, although I am sure one of my other uncles must have some somewhere. I can now recall his voice and his laugh, but some days it is so hard to remember.

I dont want my girls to forget anything about their nanny. They are so young and if the prognosis is bad on Wednesday, our youngest will have no memories of her at all. I nearly took my camera with us today, but was worried about upsetting MIL. She is scared and me clicking away would be no good for her. Once we know for certain what to expect next week, I will make sure we start building up the photo & video memories. annekins - your grandad's teddy gifts just broke my heart. What a lovely way of keeping you connected to him xx

The logical part of me is telling me that things are not going to be good come wednesday, but I just cant imagine our future without her. It feels so wrong and surreal. We were planning the kids christening for after the Olympics and were talking about going to Disney Land in 4 years with my inlaws and the kids as my inlaws had always wanted to go but could not afford it when DH was younger.

What if she isn't here then? She is turning 60 in April and DH (who actually isn't quite DH yet) and I are getting married in April. I prey she will be with us for that because I dont think we could do it if she passed before then. Another part of me wants to scream and shout at my own dad who is the same age as MIL and is also a smoker, but on request of my FIL we have not yet told anyone about MIL illness. He has tried to quit so many times and just keeps going back to it.

Im exaughsted from thinking and worrying and grieving, even though I shouldn't even be doing that yet, she is still here and my DH and my kids still have her. Just have to stay positive and carry on as normal, but it is so hard

My mum has been amazing (I had to tell her because I needed to break down on someone) and I just started imagining if it was her or my dad, and it got me into an even worse state. Life can be so cruel.

Sorry for the ramble, I have had a glass of wine... x

Ramble away. :)

You are going through an awful time and from what you've said so far, it is likely to get worse. You need your outlets too.

I don't come here very often but I do have another forum that I would have been completely lost without.

Talk to your MIL if you can about pics etc. It'll be so hard for her to face but she will want your DCs to have wonderful memories and things with her they can look back on with love.

Hello, I just wanted to update all the very kind people who responded to my pleas for help back in January.

MIL was told that although her cancer was inoperable, they would be able to treat it with chemo. This would not cure her, but would bat the cancer back and give her more time. She has just completed her 6th lot of chemo and I am so happy to say that the tumours have shrunk. They are still there, but much smaller. Still inoperable due to the amount she has, but she starts radiotherapy in July. She has a meeting with her consultant after her CT scan at the begining of the month to get a clearer prognosis.

I honestly didn't think we would be here when we were first given the news. She was at our wedding which was wonderful, we have been filming and photographing when we can. Her 60th was an intimate family affair as she had just had a course of chemo. She is off on holiday with FIL today to relax and have a bit of fun.

Although we know she wont be fully cured of this horrible disease, we have been able to put it aside and get on with making happy memories and living. My dad has agreed to go to his GP to get help quitting smoking (although he is yet to actually get there, am nagging him as often as I can)

The kids know nanny has a poorly chest and a cough, but we've not told them anything more than that.

Thank you so so much to all that responded to my original post. And once again, Im so sorry for all your losses.

NatzCNL xx