Comparing self to others- do you do it?

[ShushBaby]

I have a toddler DD and love love love being her Mum.

But I find myself weirdly panicked when I compare myself to others. Each time someone I know has a baby, I almost dread discovering that they are breezing through the early months.

For instance a v close friend of mine had a baby three months ago, and (once the mad first few weeks had passed) has looked great, slimmed down, coped amazingly and hasn't even seemed to be that tired. She works from home and has even managed to juggle looking after her baby with getting bits of work done. She goes on fairly regular evenings out, between breastfeeds, and just seems to be the image of glowing motherly perfection. Whenever she is asked how things are, the answer is always 'brilliant', and everyone says what a natural mother she is and how well both she and her partner are doing.

By contrast, though I was extremely HAPPY when my little one was tiny, the similarities end there. I was a big fat mess, found it incredibly difficult to do anything at all apart from look after dd, rarely went out in the evening (still don't!), stressed about routines, and felt dog tired and a bit mad. I am still not the image of glowing motherly perfection, whatever that is, and don't think I ever will be.

I am very happy for my friend, and yet can't help but compare myself and feel a bit strangely defensive about things when we are together. I also- and this I think is the crux of it- can't help but equate coping better with being seen to love your baby more. Which is a nonsense, and a pointless thing to think! But I find myself wanting to say 'I do love my baby just as much as you love yours, my child is just as lovely, so there'.

I am being mad aren't I. Just rambling really, but thought someone might say 'yes me too'.

lots of people feel like you do but people are very careful to hide it at all costs. I have been almost as mad, tired, obsessive, anxious etc with my second baby- 10 yrs after my first was born. I love him to absolute bits but only now (he is 2) do I feel, (some days) that I am enjoying life again and looking forward to things rather than just getting through the day all the time. If people were to suggest I have had PND I would dispute it and feel strongly that new (and old) mums have nothing that a bloody good rest and a break from the norm would cure in a flash. Raising kids (and especially babies) is really hard and that's the end of it. Keep being honest with yourself but dont get bogged down in it. Best advice is:
-think about those less fortunate than yourself and be greatful
-live in the moment-dont keep worrying about the next steps/problems it is rarely of any use
-remember that your child's first 3 yrs are the most important of is life interms of shaping his character/learning/development etc- enjoy them as much as you can

• and yes you do really love your child- you wouldnt agonise over it so much if you didnt.

xx

yeah me too xx. I always feel I'm a crap mum tho. Mines the inly one that has tantrums at toddler group. I never wear make up or go out. Love ds very much but always compare myself badly to other people. Think I worrytoo much. Sounds to me like youtlr doing a great job xx hugs xx and your not alone :-)

Yes - but other people might be comparing themselves to you... so I had an easy pregnancy, ok birth, was able to bf, so friends might have thought I was smug, but DS as an older baby was a crap sleeper and a fussy eater so then I was the one who was jealous of them, iyswim. It's all swings and roundabouts!

Thank you all, v reassuring! Yes it is swings and roundabouts. And fuck it, I adore my girl, we have a grand time, and I do the best I can. And there ain't nobody handing out medals, last time I looked!

And yes, I absolutely know I did not/do not have pnd, thankfully. Having had depression in the past, I felt/feel so far from depressed that I thank my stars daily. But that doesn't mean I haven't found did the whole thing consuming, and mind bending, and knackering.

And it's rather an uncomfortable truth about myself to face, that I actually feel relief- indeed, a but glad!- when others find parenthood a bit overwhelming too...