DDs will only speak English... what am I doing wrong?

[Schulte]

So I am German, DH is English, we live in the UK, and both DDs started going to nursery at 10 months old. I tried to always speak German with them, and read books to them in German only to start with. It proved too difficult and most of their CDs, DVDs and books are now in English, although they do have German stuff too. When we are with other people, I tend to speak English so as not to offend the other mums, and sometimes I even use English at home because I get so frustrated that the DDs always reply in English. DD1 is now nearly 5 and DD2 nearly 3 and I have started to think that I have missed the boat and they will never learn German... any advice would be much appreciated!

Persevere. If possible only speak German to them. Praise a lot if they answer in German, make a fuss how clever they are that they can speak both English and German. Also, let them watch DVDs in German, listen to German CDs and read bedtime stories in German. Could they go to a German school on Saturday mornings where you are? There they would meet other kids who speak German and it reinforces why is is helpful to speak German (otherwise you don't understand the teachers ...)

Persevere they are still learning the language even if they are answering you in English they are processing the German, My home growing up we had Irish, Dutch and English nobody ans in the language the q was asked in but instead if I was doing homework I would ans my Dutch Mum in English or if in conversation with my Dad her ans would come in Irish, and My Dad would generally get an ans in Dutch if we were with Mum and she had spoken to us in Dutch all day.

Could you find a German babysitter? If you introduce a new person who only understands German (or at least tell the children that!) they will have to start using German with them.

I was an au pair in the opposite situation - one German parent and one English parent living in Germany, children only spoke in German despite being spoken to in English since birth - and we told the children I only knew English. It didn't take long for the 5 year old to start attempting some English as he wanted me to play games, take him for ice cream etc. His English wasn't fluent immediately but he obviously understood well enough and had a large English vocabulary - though initially just used English words with a German sentence structure/grammar.

I could have started that thread today - also German in UK - and currently my daughter (3) seems to go through a rejection phase. She will say "Ich kann Englisch und Deutsch sprechen", but other than that keep to English, and when I ask her to talk German, she'll just reply "I don't know".

Today her German friend (we're lucky enough to have a German friend with children in the same age as ours, the girls going to nursery together) was here, and her German is really quite strong, but my daughter just sticks to English.

I'm worried it's going to get worse when I return to work full time after maternity leave.

We're doing OPOL (my husband's German is limited), supported by German DVDs, audiobooks, books, children's songs. I think English has become much more dominant since she started doing phonics in pre-school.

I'm so frustrated, and really have to bite my tongue and try not to say something snippy when any monolingual comments "They're just like little sponges at that age, aren't they?"

Thanks everyone. Will keep trying... as you say. The other day I got a Dora Explorer DVD from the library and discovered you could choose the language to be German... The DDs were amazed that Dora spoke German

I sometimes ask my mum to pretend she doesn't understand them when they speak English but she gives in too easily...

My bilingual friends still talk to their children in their native tongue in front of me, and that's not rude at all. I thought it was common for the parents to stick to separate languages when speaking to the children? (although the parents speak English to each other at home, even in one situation where it is neither's native language).
Another family we know, both native German speakers but both work in English speaking offices (although the German came in very handy when other people in the office had German as their 2nd language and English as their 3rd or even lower). Their son started speaking English all the time as he went to an English, then an American school, but every summer ( he's older than your kids) he went for two weeks with his Grandparents and 2 weeks at a summer school in Germany and that kept the language skills going.

"When we are with other people, I tend to speak English so as not to offend the other mums" - why would anyone be offended by speaking German to a child? I've heard it many times and still do not understand it.

Our DD only started talking in German more than Ja, Nein after a week holiday in Germany last October. Since then she really got on and has conversations with the grandparents on the phone/skype. We visited a friend with a similar old girl and we told her, you won't have a lot of fun as Hannah can't understand you if you speak English.

She is 4.5 now.

Can you take them for holidays during the half-term/Easter holiday? We go over Easter to my mum and then a two-week-Summer break in July on a farm plus a short weekend trip in autumn for a family do.

Don't speak English to them, I personally don't feel very comfortable and, as a friend mentioned, I only praise, cuddle and be strict in German. It comes more naturally to me. I speak English to her when I have to address a group as I don't really feel I have to say everything twice or I feel the rest has to know what I told DD.

We live in an area with quite a lot of foreigners (part of the Banker's belt) and I always find it strange when I hear somebody speaking a bad/heavily accented English to their child. I always wonder why.

Children will naturally speak the language that best serves the purpose (the purpose being communication). If everyone around you speaks English, it makes sense to speak English too - I'd be worried if a toddler chose to speak German just because Mummy thinks it's a good idea, even though the language everyone speaks is English. That would be daft, like deliberately trying to make yourself misunderstood! It's also natural that their German skills aren't that strong, since they live in an English speaking environment. But that doesn't mean that they'll never learn to speak German. I spoke NOT A WORD of English when I was 5. But look at me now

Continue speaking German to them, reading German books, watching German DVDs etc. and if possible, take them to Germany regularly (failing that, look for a German playgroup or a German nanny). You could even start "lessons" with the 5-year-old: buy the books a 5-year-old would do at school in Germany at that age and work through them with her.

Oh and don't listen to people who talk of sponges or raise their eyebrows when they realise your little ones don't chat away in German to each other and the world. Very few people have actual experience of a bilingual upbringing and what it means in terms of language development, and most people would gladly talk about and offer advice on things they know b*gger all about.

but if you speak to them in German and they reply in English then they are learning German - as others have said, they see no compelling reason to speak it.

Drop them in to a group of German cousins/friends/whatever and I bet they would do, and would astound you with what they do know.

DNiece (parents both speak English natively, one parent also speaks native language of the country they live in) went to school apparently not speaking any of the native language. She apparently didn't say much for a few months, but is now entirely fluent. However, she still resolutely refuses to speak anything other than English at home.

Why do they not have German DVDs? I am sure if you bought something they wanted in German (or even put on a Disney cartoon on in German instead of English) then they would quite happily watch and absorb it...

One of DD's friends has Spanish mother, English father - when her mother picks her up and speaks to her in Spanish she quite often replies in English because she is in "school" mode and school = English.

They all do this, but that doesn't mean that they are not able to speak it. They just don't want to for the moment.

My DS didn't start speaking Spanish until he was 4, and that's just because I left him alone with my parents for 2 weeks, so he had no choice.

Eventually they'll start speaking German to you when they don't want anyone else to understand them. It becomes your "secret language". They might never speak German to you, but if you perservere, the moment they realize how useful it is, it will come to them and they'll have it much easier than any child trying to start learning in Y6 or 7.

One of my friend had a similar situation like you, and their both children started speaking with the minority language at the age of 6. So I think it can take some time until they speak in the minority language.

Schulte - tbh, if you are the only person speaking German to your DCs on a daily basis, your home language with your DH is English and your children are at nursery FT in English, their exposure to German is going to be very limited indeed. I am in France and have seen English mothers give up on their children speaking perfect English in similar situations to yours, with DHs to whom they speak French and children at French-speaking nursery or with a French-speaking nanny.

You have to increase their exposure to German.

My sister is in exactly the same position. She lives in Paris and her DD is nearly 5. The DD obviously understands English but only speaks French.

The only time her DD speaks English is with my children because their French is rubbish .

I agree with Bonsoir about increasing exposure to German.

I am ruthless. I speak Polish to DD and refuse to converse with her in English or French. Books and films- a mixture, I do read English books to her as I can't resist Julia Donaldson and Judith Kerr, but I try to make it 50/50. I am the only Polish speaker she has regular contact with, although lately she has been seeing my father for few hours once every two weeks. We also go to Poland for a month every summer.

She speaks very good Polish, excellent English and since starting nursery in October, her French is getting better and better.

You just have to stick to German, no other way about it.

Schulte

You have to go hardcore!

If you really want your kids to be bilingual you have to facilitate it. Despite what friends / onlookers say ("oh, how lucky, they get to learn a second language with no problems at all!" is one I hear a lot), if you are the prime or only source of German, it is your responsibility. You may or may not want to shoukder that responsibility and as a parent, I am sure there are lots of other demands on your time / energies.

But, if you want it to work, and by that I mean really want it to work, then the strategy to adopt is HOPOL ( Hardcore One Parent One Language ).

As of today, you:

--only speak German to your kids no matter what, in front of their friends, your friends, adults who don't speak German, shopkeepers, doctors etc. At the moment, you are sacrificing your own children's chances at balanced bilingualism in favour of politeness to strangers.

-- if your children speak back in English, no problem, but do not switch to English

-- all DVDs, CDs in the car, storybooks are in German. They might not like it, but then many kids don't like brushing their teeth but good parents put dental health above their children's preference not to brush regularly. Same applies. They might whinge for a fww days, but remember you are the parent and you can see the longterm benefits (to teeth brushing, bilingualism etc.) that they cannot see and cannot be exoected to see

-- if you can afford holidays abroad, they need to be to German speaking places. Doesn't need to be Germany. Find a campsite in Southern France which is popular with Germans, find the equivalent to Club Med where German will be the main language. Plus, of course, visit family in Germany if possible.

-- What interests do your kids have? Do a deal with your kids with regards to their own interests.. Unlimited Pokemon cards, Lord of The Rings DVDSs or whatever it is, as long as it is in German. They don't have to be reading highbrow German literature or even high quality German children's fables to get a good grounding in the language. Let them choose the topic (even something horrid like wrestling!) and keep them supplied with books, games, DVDs etc. In German.

-- Don't overcorrect their German when they do speak to you. Let them get used to speaking and in time you can sort out grammar, pronunciation. Remember, monolinguals make mistakes ("she threwed the ball" etc) and parents gently reformulate without assuming their monlinguals will never learn to speak properly. Give them time for them to transition in to the new German routine.

-- Play word games to build up their vocab.

I personally don't think bilingualism comes effortlessly in most families. The successful bilingual families I know are the ones where the parents have worked at it. That's not to say it is onerous, but it takes a bit of thought and a lot of determination.

Good luck.

Greythorne speaks a lot of sense!

My cousin was similar - lived in Denmark, Danish mother, english father. Refused to speak English for years. Is still fully bilingual now at 15 though as my Uncle kept going on the hardcore approach :)

Agree that Greythorne speaks a lot of sense. Like HOPOL!
We were in a similar position 3 years ago - dh is german and we were in the UK & he struggled to do HOPOL since they're whole days were in English - they were 7, 4 & 2 at the time. Dc3 spoke absolutely no German & the other 2 werent that much better. I would get frustrated with dh that he wasnt making an effort to force it.
But after 3 years of living in Germany, I can see how hard it is being the sole responsible person for a language. They now all speak fluent German but I have to force the younger 2 to speak English to me & even then they are speaking some terrible English at times.
But I take the responsibilty really seriously & only ever speak English to them, I make them watch English TV & films, I read to them every night in English. HOPOL as Greythorne said. And its not easy.
So sorry - you need to get strict.

My best friend and her husband are foreign living in UK. She follows Greythornes HOPOL rules and they are pretty comfortable with her language now - will speak it lots although mixed with English. She has had to be very disciplined to do this but at age 6,4 and 2 it is bearing fruit. Her DH drops into English lots and doesn't provide as much stuff like DVDs in his language and is now frustrated that they are not picking it up so well.

You've got to be hardcore about it, and patient.

And FWIW I am never ever offended about my friend speaking in her language to her children do please don't worry about that

Hi, I'm German with a Turkish husband, living in Turkey. My Turkish is fairly limited, so I only ever speak German with my 13 month old (who does not speak, yet but only says the odd Mamama, Dadada, Bababa and so forth). Until now I was quite relaxed about the whole learning multiple languages thing because my son spends most of his time with me and my husband and I speak mostly in German with one another as well... but reading your posts, I am beginning to get worried because everybody ELSE around Levent is speaking exclusively in Turkish. I guess I'll just have to keep an eye and ear out to catch it if Levent should prefer to speak Turkish... Crickey, that would be disaster... ;-)

Turkey4sale.com

Remember that just because they don't speak German doesn't mean that they can't, it's just that they prefer English OR they're more used to using it automatically OR they know it's 'safe' i.e. everyone around them speaks it OR they want to be the same as their friends OR any other reason. I have a similar situation with my sons, in that they mainly speak English with each other and I think it's because it's the 'language of play' in the school yard, and also because they sussed a long time ago that English was a common language for everyone around them. No point being cross at them for this great logic and they also fully understand and speak fluently in the second language.

OP I understand your point about changing to a common language in the company of other parents. It's important, IMO, to always remember that we are constantly teaching manners to our children, manners which will make them considerate, polite adults one day. I have seen too many uncomfortable situations where people have been excluded linguistically from social situations and I don't want my sons to think that's an ok thing to do to people.

Hi,

Wrote a long post and lost it all. Totally agree with Schulte.

Stick to the one parent-one language principle, Don't worry too much about the rules of etiquette. If you speak english in the shops or in public to your children. they might interpret it as Mummy is ashamed of her language; this might give the wrong signals.

Try to meet Germans in London (tourists, Goethe Institute, German churches etc.... This is to ensure that your DD's do not see you as the 'only German Channel'! Children want to belong to a 'they are fine to belong to several groups. This will help in preventing rejection.They don't like to stick out..

Also try to increase as much as feasible their vocabulary as being at school their active vocabulary will be greater than the minority language and as a consequence they will be more at ease using the active language.

www.raising-bilingual-children.com/basics/info/rules/

www.japantimes.co.jp/text/fl20090322rp.html

Good luck. It is a lot of hard work and dedication.. Stick to it stubbornly..Being bilingual is not genetic!!!!

Yvette

I agree with greythorne -HOPOL. DC speaking only English but understanding German seems very common.

I think I would feel very sad if my DC wouldn't speak my language and therefore I do the best I can and speak only ever German to them. I read to them in German, picture books I translate on the spot, I buy longer chapter books for DS (7) and if he wants an English book then dad will read it.

We have a variety of German DVDs, e.g. Pipi Longstocking and I watch out for films which you can watch in German.

DS and DD(3) enjoy Seite mit der Maus website - lots of stories, games and info stuff. On the Kika website there are programmes to watch. There is also loooots on YouTube - songs, mine like the old fairy tale movies (Wolf und Sieben Geisslein, Tischlein Deck dich and many more). Watch with them and chat about it.

DS had a spell when he was in Reception where he started talking English to me and I made it rather difficult for him. I ask him a couple of times as if I hadn't understood and then repeat it back to him, aah, did you mean ... he soon gave up and spoke Geman again.

I was raised with parents who spoke different languages. They always spoke to me in their own language and I always answered back in English. I just refused to speak their languages. The only time I would speak another language was when I was with family who didn't speak English.

However, I did still learn the languages and I consider my mum's language, especially, to be my second language. When I speak it my accent is good.

Do persevere, a lot more goes in than you perhaps realise. I just found that, growing up, I wanted to be the same as everyone else around me. It's only as an adult that I appreciate the pleasure that knowing other languages can bring.

i think its normal to try and get away with responding in the language theyre strongest in when theyre still little.
my children do it, and thats even with OPOL