Feeling useless

[sophsamjam]

Just need to vent/share.

Am a mother of 3, dd just turned 7, dd who is 5 in April and ds who is a month old tomorrow.

I just feel useless at the minute. I don't feel I am giving anyone what they need and just feel worn down. Not sure what I am expecting of myself - probably too much.

One example of the way I feel torn is that ds is EBF which is causing some issues for dd2 in the amount of my time it takes up. Both girls love their little brother but I do think they feel a bit neglected despite me trying my best. I don't want to give up bf as that wouldn't be fair on ds but would free me up a little bit for the girls.

I desperately need to find my breast pump so that dh could at least give ds a feed, bedtime would be a good one as that is when the girls seem to feel sidelined the most. The search will continue tomorrow after my eldests birthday party!!!!

Not much point to my post but I just feel better for typing something!

Think you need to be kind to yourself, you've got a lot on!

I also have 3 (5, 3 and 10 months) and go through periods of feeling really torn and worn down as you describe. It is so tough, I really have to lean heavily on my DH, my Mum and anyone who offers to help - do you have much support?

I also found ebf hard with the elder ones also needing my attention, but found that once she settled into a more predictable pattern (a few months old, can't remember exactly), I was so glad I persevered. Obviously for the health benefits, but bf fits around the others really well.

Gosh, have just re-read your post and you're doing a party tomorrow too? You're doing a fab job, many people wouldn't attempt that (and fair play) but you're doing one anyway. I'm sure your DD will love it, hope you have someone to help out on Sunday so you can take a bit of a breather!

Thanks for that.

Slightly crazy doing party tomorrow but I feel it would be unfair for her to miss out when there has been so much upheaval recently. Another example of feeling torn. I think I am going to need a lie down in a dark room after tomorrow but as long as dd enjoys it thats the main thing.

Wow yours are close together. My first 2 were 2 years apart but then after dd2 being a handful as a baby bless her I needed a break before I could contemplate another one.

As for support dh is good when he is around. He works quite long hours but when he is home he turns immediately into daddy mode. Unfortunately no other family local so it is a case of family coming to stay for a few days as and when they can but they have their own jobs/commitments so it is not a regular thing. Do wish I had my mum nearby. We also moved house in October so my closest friends aren't just around the corner anymore. I am starting to make friends through dd's school but none of them have babies. Am going to go to the new baby group which starts in Feb as then I will have some mums with babies to talk/share with.

No, I agree about doing the party, it will mean a lot to her I'm sure.

No wonder it's all a bit much, moving and settling somewhere new is hard enough, let alone with a new baby. Think you're on the right track with the baby groups, it just takes a bit of time. Mumsnet local boards worth a try?

Hope the party goes well, youngest just woken, so have to go!

I think everyone feels like that at times, especially with 3 young dc who all need your time and attention it is hard getting the balance of giving enough time for each of them, we can only do our best but always feel like we should be doing more - have been feeling a bit like that with my 3 too so you are not alone on that! And your youngest is still very tiny so its bound to take a bit of time before you all get more settled and the bf starts to get less time consuming.
Hope your dd's party goes well :) I think the baby groups will be a good idea , we moved house in october too so further from friends, and that was the big downside to moving for me its much harder without your local friends and support around

Just wondering how the party went?

Also, was just reading this thread and thought how great it was that so many people cite their siblings as one of the wonderful things about their own childhoods.

Now, obviously no one knows how they'll all get on in the future, but it reassured me a little bit as although it feels like they are so deprived of parental attention at the moment, they will hopefully gain so much from their siblings as they grow up together.

Made me feel a little better anyway!

All the best to you, hope you all had a good time today and get a bit of a rest tomorrow.

Your son's feeds will probably get shorter in a few weeks. The first 7 or 8 weeks were by far the hardest for me and for others I know. My baby went from seeming to be almost permanently attached to me, to feeding every 2 to 3 hours and much more quickly around this time. Hold in there x

Hello, another mummy of 3 here, all girls aged 5, 3 (turining 4 next weekend) and 4 months.

Have to say I felt the same in the begining with respect to giving them enough time. But now not a problem. I am also EBF and to be honest I find that it fits in easier than having to prepare bottles etc. If I am doing something with the older girls and baby needs a feed I just pop her on and carry on doing what we were doing one handed (mainly reading at the moment as both girls are big into books and DD1 has started reading properly & loving it).

I express when I am able to, which isn't very often as baby is rather demanding and prefers boobie to bottle. But we have also given her the odd formula feed, this was mainly to get the kids involved. DD1 loved doing it, had baby on her lap and even burped her afterwards, DD2 was happy to hold the bottle whilst I held baby, but got bored rather quickly, told me she doesn't want to be a mummy when she grows up and cleared off to play with her toys - we didn't formula feed till she was 3 1/2 months though as she refused to take anything from a bottle at all till then.

Also throwing a party next weekend for DD2 and all her cousins and some pre-school friends (total of about 45 kids, but am hiring a magician as DH will be working, and no way Im gonna try to amuse 45 kids for 2 hours!!!)

It's normal to feel guilty, I felt very guilty when DD2 arrived as DD1 was only 16 months and I felt like I had cheated her out of her mummy & daddy to herself years. But the guilt passed quickly, and was hardly there with DD3.

With regards to bedtime, I sometimes sit either in my bed, or one of the kids beds with baby on the boob - even if she's already fed as she is begining to teeth so is sucking a lot for comfort - and read a book with me and the 3 girls snuggled up together. I love that time of the evening. It's not every night as that just doesn't work.

I hope you find it easier soon. Just remember that parenthood is just one big guilt trip for the parents, my mum always used to tell me that and I would just look at her and think 'what are you talking about', but now I understand!

I found my girls were much more accepting of the baby once she began smiling at them and interacting with them, they now spend ages all three of them giggling at each other which is adorable!

I hope the party went well today xx

Thank you for all the responses. Am feeling better today. I think it was all compounded by me and dh niggling each other as well as we as a couple are bottom of the list at the minute. We did however manage to get some time together last night to talk and have a lovely cuddle :)

DD1s party went well thankyou and luckily ds slept through most of it despite the noise!

It is the entertaining my 2 dds I am finding hard. I remember when dd2 came along I would read to dd1 or do a puzzle with her. That works a little bit now with dd2 (if dd1 isn't around - rare) if I am feeding ds - she has a number puzzle game which she seems to like doing.

I think what is harder this time is my 2 dds are arguing and niggling each other a lot and I seem to be refereeing them all the time. When I offer to read/play a game neither seems to want to sit and listen to the same book/play the same game. I suggested the eldest one read to us the other day whilst I was feeding which she wanted to do but the younger one didn't want her to and wanted me to instead which sent the older one into a huff. Then the other day it was the other way round dd1 refused to read and dd2 wanted her too.

Its all good fun lol!

Ha ha - my eldest two are exactly the same. Some days it feels like all I am doing is telling them off and telling them to be nice to each other.

Glad the party went well, and glad you and your DH managed to get some time together, it makes such a huge difference.

Oh, you are not alone on the older ones bickering driving you bonkers!

Hang in there, mine still do it but I find it much easier to deal with now compared to the early days of dd3's life.

I often get them playing separately for a bit, one in the bedroom (they share) and one downstairs while I sort out the baby then I read to them both/play a game with them once the baby is having a nap.

Or I feel no shame in putting a dvd on while I feed the baby - some days it is just too stressful otherwise!

Glad the party was good fun, sounds like you're doing a fab job.