Selective Mutism - push the issue or leave it?

[princessj29]

Hi, I've posted about my daughter once before. She is 4 years old and I'm concerned that she may have selective mutism. She attended nursery for for almost a year and didn't once speak to any adults there, now she has been at Nursery School everyday since September and hasn't spoken to any adults there either. She says she can't ever see herself talking to teachers at school. She has already thought ahead to primary school and said she won't drink there so she doesn't have to ask to go to the toilet! She is very awkward when teachers/school staff talk to her, she often can't meet their eyes, sometimes completely ignores them and comes across as very rude. She nods/shakes/points occasionally but sometimes doesn't respond at all. Her teacher has written in all of her assessments that she can't do anything which is very frustrating as she is almost 4 and a half, extremely bright and I feel like this issue is really holding her back. She is happy at school and speaks to her friends, but not adults and I (and she) can't see that changing. I took her to her GP in December and he said he'll give it another 6 months then see if there's any change. I spoke to the SENCO at school, who said to give her more time. However, I am concerned that if we wait until June when she's finished her year at nursery school then that will cement the problem as they accept she won't talk and don't bother to ask her to join in with certain things which involve speaking because they know she won't. Then if the problem continues at primary school, which I'm certain it will, they'll say to give it a few months then as she's in a new establishment. By which time she'll be 5 and a half years old and never having received an education at school. I do a lot of work with her at home which she really enjoys, but it frustrates me that she learns nothing (and could potentially not do for another year at least) at school because they assume she can't do anything. When she finishes school she is extremely hyperactive from not talking and not being challenged by anything there. Her teacher says she has 'given up' trying to talk to her and is leaving her to come to her, which I know she won't. Yesterday, her teacher asked her a question as we were leaving and my daughter typically didn't answer or respond and her teacher tutted and rolled her eyes...! Should I push the matter to try and get her some help, or give it more time as suggested?

I think she is picking up on your anxieties and this is making her anxious about speaking.

I would just completely and utterly ignore it. Don't even talk to her about it.
Does she have any friends you can invite over? I would get one or two of her friends round so that she feels comfortable with a few people (I presume she does talk to other kids) and perhaps you could invite their parents in for a cuppa so that she is playing in the same room as you and talking in another adult's presence without really realising it.

I'd also take her to public places like Pizza Hut, to the supermarket and have conversations with her there so that she gets used to speaking with other people around.

Don't force her to speak to anyone, but let her be and gradually introduce her to the idea of talking within earshot of other adults (without her knowing this is what you are doing).
How is she with other family members? Try going on a day out with other parents or family members and their children too.

I think it will be a gradual process. Right now you are making an issue of it by speaking to the GP, the SENCO, teachers etc and she's picking up on that. So reverse that trend. Make it a none issue and praise her speech all the time by telling her how clever she is for knowing such big words. Get her to read to you and praise her reading. Tell her what a good conversationalist she is.

HTH

She is fine at speaking in front of people and I don't force her to talk ever. I have only spoken to the GP, SENCO and teacher without her present and don't make it an issue with her. It was her that mentioned about not asking to go to the toilet at primary school, not wanting/being able to read to teachers. It is just to teachers/adults at school that she won't talk. I would agree that it is a gradual process if she was making any progress but she isn't, and my question is how long is that allowed to go on for before she is given any help?

I agree with rhubarb, don't push her to talk.
My sister had selective mutism as a child and she often talks about it now especially how frustrating it was when people tried to "make" her talk. She always spoke at home and to a few wider family members she trusted but would not speak in school or directly to anyone in a shop or other public place.
She eventually did talk in public when she was around 6 or 7 I think (may be later, I am 18 mo younger than her so my memory is a little hazy) but she often says this was on her own terms and she doesn't really know why, she just felt it was pointless to talk when she didn't have anything to say.
I identify with the coming across as rude and people rolling their eyes as all through school she was (and still is) quite shy, stuck to 2/3 friends regularly and didn't drift much from that. Outside of school she mainly stuck to me.
People often perceived her as uninterested and wondered why she didn't "just talk".
Carry on going to public places and talk to her normally but don't "force" her to talk to people in shops etc i.e. asking for her own lunch. Let her do that in her own.

You've already said that you can't see the situation changing. Why?
I used to be ridiculously shy at school and would never ever talk, not even to my own grandmother. My mother sent me to a child psychologist which made matters worse.

Once I became more confident in myself I started to speak. It's mainly a confidence issue I feel. But if you don't think that anything will help then by all means consult your GP who will refer you to a child psychologist. But the waiting list could be a few months long. In the meantime, try to boost her confidence by encouraging her to read out loud, to do little role plays for you and performances and perhaps even sign her up to a drama class - pretending to be someone other than myself also helped me.

Sorry cross posted and saw you don't try & force her.
The not wanting to talk to teachers/adults is interesting as my ds often says she found that most difficult incase she was forced to carry on talking when she didn't want to and found it easier to not talk in the first place.
It may be a trust issue there and she will become more confident at school once she is used to the teacher/pupil relationship.

Dsis not ds

I don't see it changing because she is completely different to other children, it is far more than being shy. She has said that she feels she 'can't' talk as opposed to won't. It isn't a confidence issue, she goes in to school extremely confidently, joins in with everything, goes to extra-curricular activities alone and joins in etc. which is why it's confusing and hard to help.

Of course she says she can't talk, it's not a rebellion thing. She just doesn't like being singled out and put on the spot, which is what happens when an adult talks to you (adults don't talk to children, they ask questions which demand an answer).

She will soon realise that by not talking in school and pointing when she needs the loo will only draw more attention to herself. She will want to fit in with the other children and be like them and this is what will encourage her to talk.

Pragmatically, the SENCo should be making a referral to a Speech and Language therapist.

You know your DD more than anyone, but this problem manifests itself in school, therefore school have a responsibility to develop strategies to help her. They will not have the expertise, so should be referring to someone who has.

Moondog is a SALT, I will PM her and see if she can offer better advice

I vaguely know two boys who have had SM, their mothers took opposite strategies. One was chased every idea & intervention available, the other was laid back, gently encouraging, small measures to encourage & support him in school (e.g. went in to hear him learn to read).

From what I can tell neither had better success, both boys now y6.
But I know which mom seems happier in herself & more confident that things will work out eventually (i.e.: the gently-gently laid back one).

DD1 had what we think was selective mutism - never formally diagnosed.
She was/is very bright. She didn't speak to her teachers but she did listen and so did learn at school. I felt that she sometimes flew under the radar and some of her teachers perhaps ignored her a bit on the basis that she never gave them any trouble and so they gave more attention to children who noisily demanded it.
Speaking as someone who did just 'wait and see' I don't think that advice is bad advice.
Incidentally DD1 is now a popular 18 year old with lots of friends and lots of hobbies and interests. She's in accelerated tutor groups at college for her maths, physics, chemistry and biology A levels. Can you tell I'm very proud of her?

Hi, my ds has SM - diagnosed in nursery where he didn't speak to any adults at all (he did speak to some of the children though). He is now reception and is slowly improving. I am more of the gently gently approach. I self referred to the local SALT through my HV and she assessed him. There are techniques SALT's can use - the sliding in technique for examply - google it. Have a look at SMIRA website too.
My boy does now say his phonic sounds when tested by a particular teacher and he will stand up and say single words in show and tell - all improvements. I used to ask every day if he did speak to teacher today etc but since reception, I have stopped that as it was making both him and me anxious.I once asked him why he didn;t speak in nursery and he said it was because his mouth didn;t work in school!
I now say nothing at all about it except meet with his teacher every few weeks (5 mins at most) just to see how he is coming on. He is learning like the other children, I do bits at home with him too so I can see his progress in reading etc. I am confident he will grow out of it in time.
In your shoes, I would go and see HV and get referred to SALT now - rather than go through GP. SALT's know about SM and will be able to give you and advise and reassure you. There will also be a SALT attached to the school your child will go to but no harm getting info/advice now.

Chopchop - my daughter listens at school, but as she is the oldest she is very far ahead of the other children and so she is learning nothing new and as long as the teachers aren't aware of what she can do, this isn't going to change unfortunately. My daughter sounds exactly like yours in that she is just 'left to it' as she doesn't cause any trouble, but this causes problems in itself as she is then extremely hyperactive when she comes home.

Molly - Will speak to my daughters HV, thank you.

I am starting to think that my daughters teacher may be part of the problem. Last week when I collected her, her teacher asked her something and of course my daughter didn't answer and her teacher tutted at her and rolled her eyes. Today, she took a souvenir book in from where we went at the weekend to show a teaching assistant she likes, which she did and spoke via me to her which is great progress, then her teacher came over to sternly ask her to put it away and she clammed up again.

I was similar at that age. Adults making a big 'thing' of it made it worse. It did improve in time, though to be honest even as an adult I still don't talk a lot, especially in large groups.

It absolutely did not stop me learning in school though. In fact I probably learned more than those who were chatting all the time, as I just got on with things, and I did well academically. If she can listen and read, there shouldn't be a problem.

My daughter is in exactly the same position, the best thing to do is to not make a big deal about it and make teachers aware of her condition. People dont understand that they are not being rude it is an anxious reaction that they cant control!

Princessj, unfortunately your dd's class teacher doesn't sound like she is being very helpful or understanding. I would be tempted to raise this with her or the head, because tutting and eye rolling as you described is horribly unprofessional. The worst thing she can do is to keep asking your daughter direct questions, and as a teacher she should know that. Side by side talking is often a good approach with children who won't speak - you sit or stand next to the child and simply comment on what they are doing without asking any questions. Eventually the child should feel able to speak when they are ready and have something they want to say. The lack of eye contact in side by side talking also keeps the pressure off. There are so many other strategies for helping selective mutism children which could easily be implemented.

Your dd needs to trust that her teacher won't put her in a situation that she doesn't feel comfortable in. It's actually making me feel quite cross that your dd isn't bring treated kindly by her teacher!

The school really ought to be suggesting strategies for helping your daughter feel more relaxed and confident. Perhaps speak to the SENCO again and say that you are not happy to leave it and hope for a change. The school are letting your daughter down every day at the moment, and I don't see how time is going to change that.

one of my cousins has selective mutism, he's 25 now. I'd never heard of it when it was young its only since i've seen TV programmes. He went though his whole school life and never once spoke to a teacher, he also didn't speak to hardly anyone out of school, just his parents, a couple of aunties on his dads side, and some fellow cousins on our side of the family. My auntie was very laid back, almost to the point of being in denial so he didn't really get any help and ended up leaving school at 16 even though he is apparently very clever. He still doesn't really talk to anyone although now if you ask him a question he will give an answer, but you couldn't have a conversation with him. One of our fellow cousins who he did speak to explained it quite well to her mum when she herself was very young. She said it was like someone saying to her mum that she had to go and sing on a stage in front of hundreds of people, the way she would feel about doing that is how SM cousin felt when he was expected to speak.

Based on this experience if i was you i would try and get help ASAP as the longer it goes on the harder it will be for her to eventually talk.