Criticised for being a stay at home mum.

[Mena1]

I think the title says it all.
My AMIL is constantly making snide remarks about the fact that I have decided to stay at home and look after DS instead of working. She started nagging just after his was born and now I get constant jibes about it and has even been telling other family members that I should "get off her fat arse and get a job" She seems to forget she only went back to work when my DH was 8.
DH has told her in a nice way that we decided together that it would be best, however the comments just keep coming.

Its not as if I sit at home and do nothing all day long. He has music, swimming classes, playgroups and once a week we try and visit the nearest farm or nature reserve. It is hard work looking after a LO. ( MIL did absolutely nothing with her kids when they were growing up)

I have absolutely no idea what I can do to stop all these rude comments. Also, I never earned much money and should i decided to go back, my entire wages would be spent on childcare costs.

I'm raging!

yes, and avoid her.

I've had the opposite.... My mil used to say how people shouldn't have kids then leave them in childcare to go to work!
I've been with DH for 15 years now and she knows times have changed and that this won't be possible if i have kids!!

We have a maligned SAHM in our family as well. Although, in her case, it's justified because she's never worked even before her child was born, complains about how skint they are all the time and often taps my mum (her MIL) for cash. In your case, assuming that you are doing none of those things, just tell her straight that you don't like the nasty remarks and, if she doesn't shut up, you'll drop contact with her. Telling her 'in a nice way' is obviously not working.

Yes, i would run it past DH that you are getting fed up with it & need to address it head on with her & get this issue solved because it is getting you down & you don't want this issue getting in the way of your relationship with MIL etc.

Whilst you don't want a confrontation, the 'nice' way clearly hasn't stopped the comments coming, so you feel that you & DH need to talk clearly to MIL about what's going on.

You need DH to stay on side with you, so worth getting his 'buy in' upfront in my opinion.

In my experience when people keeping having a dig at you over something, it usually spells out that something's up with them - not you - and they're just taking it out on you. You happen to be a convenient scapegoat. Is she dissatisfied with her own life? Miss being a SAHM mother herself and the fun of those years? Worried about getting older & no-one seems to need her anymore? When you talk to her, I would say something along these lines, "MIL I have noticed that you keep feeling you need to criticise DH and my decision for me to stay at home to look after DC. We're not happy with this and we're worried that it signals that you're not happy with your life. Are you unhappy? Do you miss those years when you were at home looking after DH? Is there something we can do to help you if you're not happy at the moment?"

Quite often, people don't like the spotlight being turned right back on them & the state of their life, so she may decide that this is not what she wants & decide to shut up criticising your choices if all it gets her is people examining her & her life. At the moment she is quite happy putting all the (negative) focus on you. In my view you need to turn it back on her & get her to see where her energies should more constructively be focused.

Amateur psychologist / devious, moi??

That's a great speech motherofallmums but when you've got someone with a thickish hide they just hear 'blah blah... criticise.... blah blah....happy... blah blah ... help you'. You have to be clearer about it. "What you said to Auntie Thing? It stops now and you apologise or you can forget about seeing your grandchild" That's the one thing all grandparents fear....

Brilliant advice everyone. Thanks!

DH has been brilliant. I agree the "nice" approach is def not working. Problem with confronting her in any capacity is always met with screaming and ranting and makes herself out to be the victim.... literally every situation we've had with her. Also She and DH is not close although she'd like to think they are. I have tried keeping my cool and kept saying to myself "you cant rationalise anything with an irrational person"

I think the no contact threat appeals to me the greatest as she cant really be bothered with DS at all in any case. ( 15 months old and has seen him twice and never ever bought him anything - Cow)

Sounds like one of those relatives you end up distancing yourself from & seeing out of duty rather than affection. Terrible shame, I always think, especially when it's a grandparent. The older I get, the more I favour the direct confrontational approach. Whilst it does often result in hissy-fits, badmouthing, cold-shoulder treatment etc., it's quicker and more satisfying than going around on eggshells, trying not to hurt their feelings. As I see it, they don't worry too much about my feelings, so we're quits :)

Good luck

I've had both of these situations from the same set of grandparents. When I went back to work after having DD1 "how can you bear to leave her...." etc "people who have kids should stay at home at look after them". etc ( forgetting that they had pushed me/supported me to be first in family to go to grammar school, uni and law college and forge a career ) despite the fact that if either of DH or I had to give up work we would have had to sell the house, and it was modest not something we had really stretched ourselves to buy. Fastforward 16 years and DD and DC away at boarding school and I currently do a small amount of work from home sporadically when needed by a client and apparently now I "Need to get off my bum and get a job" because I am "lazy"!!

Only you know your own situation, what works for you and what you can afford to do so I would tell them to bog off and mind their own!! You don't need to justify your parenting decisions to anyone! You sound like a lovely Mum doing all those things with your little one- hope you are having fun.

My wife went back to work about a year ago having took two years off. I never told my parents. Back in the 'old country' :) my mum would work in the fields with a child strapped to her back so the concept of a stay-at-home-mum is what lazy Western women do (her words, not mine)

We live far away from my parents for that to work. I'm guessing that you don't :(

She calls constantly. DH never answers when she calls but she will call to the house phone we dont have caller ID so we answer in case its my folks who live broad. she is talking to other family members and of course they dont know our side so they just assume what they want and when they call its always "your MIL says ..... " I've said I dont want to hear anything but sometimes she says such horrible things they feel they need to say something. Recently someone asked her if shes missing our LO and all she said was" well you love your daughters children more than your sons..."

I think she calls to find out what we are up to and looks for fault in anything and everything.

I think maybe you should splash out and get caller ID so you don't have to answer her calls! She sounds quite horrible.

It is none of her business. She should butt out and stop being such a troublemaker - but that's not going to happen. So you should just ignore her. If other members of the family are going to believe her twaddle then they're not much worth bothering with either. So when they phone up saying "Oh your MIL says X" you can counter with "I don't know how she'd know that since we haven't seen her for the last y months".

Disengage from her, and if anyone asks why, tell them. Good for your DH supporting you properly, btw.