help me get over different parenting styles

[lucky24]

I feel DH can be heavy handed with DS1(nearly 3)

example
Yesterday DH was going to take DS1 out (to give me a break DS2 is 4 days old) DS1 was messing about DH picked him up pulled his pants down and put him on the potty. DS1 cried and tried to wriggle of the potty, he was (to me) confused and shocked. I know DH did it as we always get him to try for a wee before we go out but although DS was messing about he had not been asked to go to the toilet so it was unexpected for him.

I told DH i was not happy with him doing that and did want DS to be dragged out the house unhappy. DH stormed out of the house, leaving DS even more upset. DH came back after half an hour but did not speak to me. Im upset with him for the way he spoke to me before storming out (especially as i am still very sore from giving birth) and for upsetting DS1.

After 24 hours i asked how long he was going to be in a mood for, he says he is angry with me for not letting him be a parent and for not backing him up.

So i get that he is a parent and has just as much say in how to raise our DSs, so how do i stop myself interfering when i thing DH is wrong.

Ok - has he form for being harsh or rough?

I ask because what you describe doesn't strike me as hugely concerning, but feel that there must be history leading up to this in order for you to post?

Also how do i stop the fact that when DH looks after DS for a few hours in the house they watch films and eat crisps bothering me?

Why does it bother you?

I have felt like this about my partner after the both the births of DC2 and DC3. I think I felt overwhelmed by all the change as we all adjusted to our new roles in the family, and I also felt very sensitive about the feelings of the other children when a new baby comes along. I really felt like I needed to split myself in half to deal with eveything, rather than leave my husband to do it. Maybe this is a bit like you're feeling? Days 3, 4, 5 were always the worst for me hormonally. I can see how your husband's behavior towards your child upset you. I would feel the same. However, I also know that my parenting isn't always perfect and tiredness is difficult to manage with a new baby, and lack of communication is a lot to blame in situations like this. Let a few more days pass before getting too upset and see how you feel.

I wouldnt say he has form for being too rough no, im not concerned as such just feel it is not called for. If he had been asking DS to go to the toilet so they could go out and DS was messing about then i wouldnt have said anything and DS would have known why DH did it so he wouldnt have looked scared/shocked.

Not sure why the tv thing bothers me, i guess its cos we always sit and chill out with the tv after dinner so dont want him watching another 2 hours of it in the day. its probably honestly cos i feel he is not making an effort to interact with him and encourage his development through playing with him. Or im just jealous cos i feel guilty if i let him watch too much telly

I think perhaps you are feeling a bit overwrought atm, which is understandable - you have just had a baby!

Regarding your son being plonked unceremoniously on the potty - well, it's not ideal, but let's face it, he's seen the potty before and knows what it's for....I'm not sure why he should be 'shocked' by being put on it without warning.

As regards the films and crisps issue - I happen to agree with you there, but you cannot micro manage how your dh spends time with his son really, can you? Well...you can try, but be prepared to be told to keep your beak out.

i am definitely feeling oversensitive to DS1's feelings as i don't want him feeling left out? jealous of DS2.

I know he knows what a potty is for but feel DH was heavy handed and did it with out warning which is what shocked DS.

DH is great with DS too they have lots of fun together he is a good dad, i just need to learn how to let go of the things that bother me, but how?

I can see why you're upset but your OH my have responded better if you spoke to him about it at a later time. He was probably stressed out with a brand new baby and trying to organise DS1.
My OH can be a bit harsh with our son and does things differently to how I would prefer so I try and talk to him about it when its calmer to explain my thoughts. Sometimes he agrees, others not so much but we have time to negotiate how best to deal with it so DS gets the same parenting from us both.
Trees

Agree with Trees that it would have been better if you spoke with your DH later and not in front of your DS1. However, it's not the end of the world. You are hormonal and sore, and I'm sure he also needs time to adjust to having two kids, so tensions are unavoidable. Also you must both be exhausted which doesn't help. It's done now, just talk about it as calmly as possible when you get the chance. I see where you're coming from though.

I think I would be a bit annoyed too about the TV and crisps issue, but if it's only every now and then, it won't harm your DS, and he will have fond memories of snuggling up with daddy on the sofa to watch something on TV.

Over the years I have learnt that sometimes Dh and I will have different ways of doing things, we both may be right or wrong or it may just not matter. If he is a kind loving dad and your son is happy and loved, let it go. How many of us have spoken to or handle of Dcs and then thought " Maybe I shouldn't have done that".

DH had a tendency to 'spring' changes on DS (23 MO) - like picking him up and taking him off for a bath when DS was in the middle of playing a game, which would often result in a tantrum (DS's ).

I just asked DH to start doing a countdown - 2 mins to bathtime, 1 minute to bathtime, bathtime! 2 mins and then we're putting your coat on, 1 min then we're putting your coat on, time to put your coat on! It hadn't occurred to him that DS didn't like things happening unexpectedly. Now he knows, their interactions are a lot calmer!

Your parenting style probably irritates him as much as his does you. That's why kids benefit from the input of as many parents, grandparents, teachers and other influential, caring adults as possible. They get used to the idea that some people are quite soft and easy to manipulate whereas there are others that don't stand for any shit. And they learn to modify their behaviour accordingly.

I have done the thing with the potty btw or some days we'd have never left the house. The reaction I got was not 'confused and shocked' but a more indignant 'bugger, I'm not getting my own way any more!!!!'

Chat about it. Find out what each other's concerns are. Try to find some middle ground. Promise to back each other up. You don't have 100% of the right answers and neither does he but you're in this together so you'll have to sort something out.

I think this is totally normal. DH is less "attuned" to DS than I am in some ways, but this translates into really positive things too - he is much better at rough and tumble play than me, they roar with laughter; he lets him take (sensible) risks more than me because I find letting my baby go harder. But when you have a newborn and you're both completely knackered, things grate and annoy that wouldn't otherwise.

I think you had a real point about the potty, definitely. Thing is, your DH would likely agree you did, at a calm moment and when he'd not been wound up by your toddler being tricksy, no? I know I can cover myself with shame when tired and annoyed, on occasion - a potty dump would be the half of it! I think you're right to think it less than ideal, but less than ideal in an otherwise great dad is no different to less than ideal in an otherwise great mum.

And I think relaxing in front of the telly with crisps would be terrible as a lifestyle, but might be just the ticket for a small chap coping with a new sibling. I get guilt about too much tv as well, but if his dad is spoiling him a bit, it's only going to make him feel better about the changes.

Which is to say, I'd react as you are in your shoes, I think, but sleep deprived new parenthood isn't the most, erm, rational of times in my life. I suspect it will all chill out and be a lot easier once the new baby sleeps better.

And congratulations! :D