Is this a reasonable punishment or a I being a bit of a pushover?

[thefroggy]

I know nothing about punishment tbh, my ds was always such a good child I never had to punish him. If he ever did something silly, a good talking to about why he shouldn't have done it generally worked. (He's a grumpy teen now, irritating and dismissive but still a good kid!)

Dd is a very different child. She has absolutely NO respect for anything in our home. She takes things and hides them, hairbrushes, my jewellery, keys etc and will happily watch me ransack the house rather than admit it. (She even hid our kitten once and watched me frantically running around the house thinking it had escaped). She is a messer, can't leave anything alone. If I buy something (example, my house phone died, I bought a new one, before i'd even unpacked the shopping in the kitchen she had it out of the box and had lost the instructions, now I have a phone I cant hear and dont know how to change to ringtone on). She tears up boxes in seconds, so if something doesn't work I haven't a box to send it back in. I've found in the past, food opened and put in a cupboard to go off. I dont even know when she does it because i'm right here. She has a little laptop (netbook or notebook is it called?) ds's old one, she managed to break the screen. I paid a fair amount to get it fixed. She is careless with it, leaves it on the floor, down the side of her bed..I didn't know this until I came across it obviously.

Today I find some things of mine (not in her bedroom, not in mine, stored away in the cupboard) chopped to bits with scissors and hidden (badly). I said not a word, just showed her the bits when she came home from school. She screamed her head off. I didn't raise my voice at all. I said we needed to talk about why she'd done this. After she stopped crying (about half an hour) I said that for two days she would have no computer, no ds (nintendo that is, not her brother ) and no nickleodeon. She said she didn't know why she chopped my stuff up.

Then cried, and cried. She is so sensitive, cries at the slightest thing and maybe it's my own fault because I hate to upset my children but enough is enough.

Oh, and she's 8 btw, old enough to know better.

again cross posted! She just cries over nothing....

I'm just thinking, I was a little like this at that age (hiding things in cupboards, letting food rot in my wardrobe, breaking things) and I had depression and anxiety.

Don't want to frighten you, but together with the crying, it doesn't sound like she's just being naughty.

Sounds like she's bottling a lot up and taking it out on your stuff in private because she is frustrated. Hope you get to the bottom of it OP. I think the punishment is enough given that there is obviously a bit more to it. Can you spend more one on one time with her at all in case there is something she wants to tell you?

It doesn't frighten me yraincoat, I have depression and anxiety. I still have it, am on meds for life probably.

Hi,
I certainly can't claim to be an expert as my eldest is only 3.5, but I read your post and thought I'd chip in.

It sounds like your daughter is destroying or damaging things as an outlet for some other emotions. Could be the bullying, or something else, or even just the sheer unfairness of being a little sister (as a little sister myself, sometimes it was enough just to have an older brother for me to feel hard done by!). She obviously knows what she did was wrong as she was hiding the results, but the fact that she only hid them half heartedly makes me think she probably wanted you to find out. Could she even be trying to punish you for something?

Have you tried sitting down with her and talking about what is going on? For instance, start by saying something like "you must have been feeling pretty cross when you cut up mum's belongings with the scissors". And then don't say anything else - just sit and listen and hope that she opens up to you. If she does talk about why she did it, you could then discuss what appropriate consequences would be. She might surprise you by suggesting a way that she could help to put things right.

Incidentally, have you read How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk? It has a lot of useful strategies for dealing with this sort of thing. I've tried a few of the tips with my daughter and had great results already, and a lot of the book is oriented towards kids more your daughter's age.

Anyway hope you find out what's been causing the behaviour.

I may be way off the mark here but you have just described my DS8. Ok, he's possibly not so bad in the sense that he doesn't spitefully destroy / hide my stuff but he can be very destructive (and always has been) but in a completely impulsive way as a result of his ADHD. I'm certainly not making excuses for him, he has a dx of mild to moderate so I don't make that many allowances for behaviour like this but he has in the past done things like cut through cables with scissors, cut grooves in the coffee table with a compass and yes, the boxes, he can't leave them intact for a second and any new toys he gets have to be put away until he can be supervised opening / building whatever it might be otherwise the pieces just get scattered. He goes through drawers / cupboards / pots of bits and bobs that we have throughout the house just getting everything out and then abandoning whatever it is he's "looking" for or planning to do and is on to something else - incredibly short attention span and hyperactivity.
If we ask him why he has done a certain thing (taken all the wheels off all the toy cars in the house / broken all the the pyrex window panes in the wendy house) he gets very upset and says he doesn't know or can't remember doing it.
These incidences by the way are not all recent, over a period of years, and he is very much a lovely, happy, if a bit eccentric, boy most of the time. But he can be very sensitive and hates to get things wrong.

seriously I would avoid the stance suggested by enjoying the silance, if dd is suffering with anxiety or an underlaying SN, Im not saying she is however I would not rule it out at this stage then this approach will achive nothing but alienating, isolating and vilifying her and not deal with the behaviour or cause of the behaviour. I would stick to managable consequences for now untill you have had further advice. GP and CAHMS.

CAMHS sorry typo

My DD is the same, has been for years, and even worse she steals my money, that's been going on persistently for three years.

I still punish her, she's currently grounded, not allowed money for anything, and has all her favourite things confiscated, doesn't stop her though.

I've accepted she'll never change tbh, put a lock on my bedroom door and watch her like a hawk.

I actually thought it had stopped, for 5 months but last week found out she's still at it.

No one would help me. I tried the police, school, GP, CAMHs and social services.
They took me to court to prove I'm a terrible mother, but are now dropping the case.
There's nowhere left to turn for me.

Sorry to not be more hopeful but if you find anywhere that will help, please let me know!

My dd steals money too netto, she's a proper Mr Crabs. She takes money from ds's box. and hoards it. She thinks everything is hers to take, and if I dare challenge her....screaming and crying.

I dont understand it, they have not been brought up to think stealing/destroying is ok. Ds is 14 and looking for some saturday job, so I guess that says something. He would never steal from me, dd however......

Yep, I recognise that. DD thinks she should have whatever she wants.
Even if you gave her everything, it wouldn't be enough for her.
She has a massive sense of entitlement.

She doesn't scream and cry at getting caught, or punished, just gets angry that I punish her
Oh and she doesn't admit anything unless you have proof, she will look you in the eye and lie.
She's really defiant too, and will do the same thing over and over.

There is no trust in my home, which eats me up, especially as until last week I thought it had all stopped.
The only things I feel I can do now are lock things away, watch her and hope to god she outgrows it one day, because no one else would help.

That said, she can be helpful and caring, she's bright, generally good company, always behaves in public and has a wicked sense of humour.
The best way for me to cope is to concentrate on the good, and hope the bad stops as she won't be getting an opportunity to do it.