Blended families and age. Problems?

[tinypandatwo]

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet - sorry if I'm in the wrong area, any advice would be really kind.

DH and I have been together just over 10 years, he has 2 teenage DC. We got together at work when he was already married. For quite obvious reasons the DCs mum isn't keen on me - but has remarried and it has been 10 years. BUT. Both DCs when in a difficult situation or being told off repeat that they don't like me because I was "mean to mum" and I "made mum very sad". There is never any suggestion that their dad did anything wrong. It has been really tough on me over the years, but I've lately come to the reaslisation that it is their choice, and we can't be liked/like everyone. That is making life a little uncomfortable, but we only have them every other weekend. DHs relationship with his exW he keeps OK (but that is down to him not her).

Sorry for the long ramble.

I have never wanted children, but my best friend had a DD 6 months ago, my DH and I started a jokey conversation about having our own and it seems maybe a good idea.

I have two concerns, does he want children to "make up" for the nastiness of his existing DCs (the bond isn't close between despite the fact he makes a real effort with them) and he sometimes feels disapponited with them. (DOn't judge him, his exW is really nasty and his limited time with them means he can't balance out her spite with them). I can help him by having our own (and I guess naively think they will be "good") and secondly, we are both older. He is 49.

Why did others have children, did the "other" family become more difficult when the new children arrived and is being and older parent an issue?????

Ok slightly different background which I think is relevant as existing issues dont disappear with new children. So all the issues re difficulty with relations post split with dsc will still be there and sometimes seem quite hard to manage when you have new little ones.

That said I have 2 dc (3 and 3 days) with dh who is similar in age to your dh (sorry don't want to give too many details and out myself). I am also not a particularly young mum

Dh adores his dsc - they are older teens who live locally so come and go (and we have had spells where dsc1 lived with us). The relationship with his ex is acrimonious (and non existent with me - I was not ow but as communications about kids is very
Limited , there has never been a question on this). This has led to difficulties but being consistent and always there means that ultimate dh has good relationship with kids but they are older so a more adult relationship (ie where they can come and.go and communicate as they wish rather than via arranged times is ok).

The dss are great with their siblings and dd1 adores them. She knows they come
And go but it's her normal and she doesn't question it. Its built on our relationship and been a positive thing.
However there are a couple of points that are different to your post- our dc are not plasters etc to repair issues with the big kids. The younger children dont take precedence over older ones for dh just as you would with any siblings. I know this sounds obvious but by time we had dd , dh and dsc were getting on ok. Reading your post I do think that you need to think and discuss with dh how you will deal with balancing all this.

Age not an issue - ESP for dh , I think the age/experience thing has been nothing but positive for him as parents and really helpe me when first time mum.

And new children are lovely for own reasons - your dsc arent bad/good, they are part of a particular family set up that needs to be understood (am not having ow dig more recognition that they are part of a situation that is difficult for them and dh).

Gigondas that is really helpful. I'm 41 this year, it was me who raised the issue of age with DH. He hadn't thought about it (now is concerned he is too old!!).

Relationship with ex will never be strong, but it isn't long until we will be in your situation of DSC who can come and go on their own. Not quite there yet, maybe that will ease the tension when they can choose when (If) to visit.

do you sometimes wish you had started a family earlier, are you missing out? I guess also, did you always want children - I am not sure I am maternal.

While any new children might be a blessing, you should only have them if you both really want them. Don't have them just because you want to 'help' him. And certainly not to try and make up for his 'disappointing' (!) existing children - between you, you ripped their lives apart and he finds their behaviour disappointing? Are you sure he doesn't want children so he doesn't feel as disappointed by his own behaviour?

Also, I have been the teenage child in this situation, and it is HARD. You and your DH CHOSE your situation. The children and ex wife did not but still have to live with the fall out every day. It is truly horrible being stuck in the middle like this so cut them a lot of slack.

No experience of step families, but do not have a child just to keep others happy, or to make life easier. Children are jolly hard work and need parents who truly want them and will love them unconditionally.