De-sexualisation of children.....

[ashamednamechanger]

is it possible and if so how?
Not neccassarily from a media point of view (can't change that) but just purely from a parental stance?

what do you mean by de-sexualisation? gender stereotypes? or an excessive interest in sex?

can't say I wanted mine totally de-sexualised: I didn't want them obsessed by sex but I did want them to have an awareness that they are going to be growing up into sexual beings

I don't understand what you mean either. To 'de-sexualise' something it has to be 'sexualised' in the first place....

Assuming you mean "not letting DCs become sexualised at a young age" yes I think it is possible to some extent, but you can't avoid all influences.

We just limit TV (at the moment we are disconnected and only have DVDs), so no adverts, no dodgy music videos etc. Both DCs - 2yo boy, 4yo girl - are allowed to play with whatever they want, I don't buy masses of pink tat, and no violent toys either.

It has got more difficult since DD started school.

Arse yes I do mean not letting children become sexually aware too early.
I did not really explain properly.
Let's say that a child who has been exposed to sexual images begins to act in a sexual manner. Is it possible to halt this process?
Would removing as much as possible all access or exposure to sexual images such as music videos have the effect of reversing premature interest on sex?
Almost as though you are weaning them off it.

Does that make any more sense?

Again, premature interest in sex can mean all sorts of different things.

To me, there is a huge difference between a healthy interest in human reproduction coupled with an awareness that one day my body will be ready for these things and an unhealthy interest in sex as a means of status or selling yourself through sex.

A small boy who play with himself because it feels nice to me is healthy, a small boy who plays with himself obsessively because he is insecure is not healthy. Two small girls playing doctor because bodies are interesting things- probably healthy, a girl who is always (after she has been told not to) trying to lure her little friends into the loos to look at them because she has been exposed to disturbing images which have upset her- not healthy. A child copying lewd gesture from television because he doesn't realise they are lewd healthy, a child who is always trying to get the attention of adults by exposing herself not healthy.

I have quite a bit of experience dealing with sexualised behavior. Once a child has become sexualised, you cannot undo it. In that sense, it is not possible to 'unsexualise' a child. They will not forget it and probably will have little to no understanding of why you want them to stop whatever it is they are doing/saying.

However, you can try to prevent them from becoming further sexualised. Taking away explicit song music etc will NOT reverse what has already happened - it will simply prevent it going further. Although I would warn that very sexualised children may well simply find other ways of getting hold of explicit material despite your best efforts

I would say your course of action depends on exactly what behavior they are showing. If it's masturbation (even if very excessively) I would not tell them to stop. It's a stage all children can be expected to go through, very normal, and although it can be very worrying if caused by abuse/seeing adult things it's not wrong to do it. I would recommend the "It's okay, but only in private" route. If it's very excessive, remember to emphasise GOOD HYGEINE. Believe me, you don't want to be dealing with nasty infections caused by masturbating with dirty hands! With masturbation, it's only serious if they do it so much they get nasty rashes and it hurts or they want to involve other people

However since you mention music - are you dealing with a child repeating very rude lyrics? Do they understand what they are saying? If so, then again you can't reverse that. If they had no understanding of what they wre saying, it may be possible they will forget it because it will not stick out in their head. On the other hand, if they are actually acting very sexually (actions not words) then it's important NOT to go ape and shout or anything like that. They won't understand why. Modelling appropriate affection is very important, as is TALKING OPENLY about it. That doesn't mean encouraging it, but helping them to make sense of it. Discussing privacy is essential - your parts are private, so is everyone else etc

It's just that I heard a topic being discussed on radio regarding porn.
Young teenagers were discussing how they felt about it. There was one particular boy that stuck in my mund. He said that he had become obsessed with looking at porn starting with mild stuff occassioanally then building up to more hardcore for longer periods.
He himself admitted that he had become almost 'addicted' to it. And that, even though he no longer gained much pleasure from it, he could not wean himself off it....almost like a drug.

ah, it always helps when you give concrete examples of what you actually mean

your OP was worded so it might have been about pretty well anything from sex education in schools to trafficking of youngsters

well, if it is about porn then I think there is quite a lot you can do:

make it clear that you will not have this kind of reading material in the house because it is degrading to human dignity/women/etc- this will not stop them from ever seeing porn but it will make it very much harder for them to develop or feed an addiction

keep an eye on computer use

don't assume that any interest in sexual matters is connected with any other interest in sexual matters and that you have to clamp down on it all- in fact, a 16yo who has a healthy relationship with a nice girl is probably far less likely to develop an unhealthy interest in hardcore porn

cultivate an open and positive attitude towards sex as a means of human interaction rather than a commercial commodity or a means of dominating other people

make sure any adult males in the house are a good role model in the way they speak of women and behave around women

maintain high standards in how you speak about people

help them to develop other interests

Yes, agrre with you cory and I think that distraction and guiding them towards other interests is a good example of attacking the problem.
But, in a normal, healthy 16 year old, say, I would find their obsession with sex quite normal....not the hardcore porn obviously.
However, what if the child were a lot younger, as in 8, 9 or 10? This is the age group that really scares me. My DS came out of his class today and, in front of me, his classmate told him some joke about raping a girl!
I was definitely and told DS that it was certainly not funny. But, if all his classmates are talking like this, what chance do I have in quelling his sexual awareness? I can't make him go to school in ear plugs can I.....or can I, not such a bad idea actually!

No, but boys that age do a lot of silly talking because they actually have no idea of what rape is or what it means to the victim. But if you carry on modelling good respectful behaviour and quelling anything else, then there is a good chance that by the time he gets to an age where he does understand what rape is he will not find it funny.

I am a bit worried about your own choice of language tbh. The idea of equating rape jokes with sexual awareness makes my spine crawl.

Rape is chiefly about men needing to dominate or humiliate others-rape jokes in Yr 4 is about silly little boys using language they don't understand. Neither has anything to do with sexual awareness.

Imho the way to clamp down on sexual nastiness is not to pretend that a 10yo cannot have a healthy interest in sexual matters. The way to clamp down is to make it clear that healthy sexual awareness is a positive thing and that it is as far from rape as any human being can get.

I have an 11yo. He is naturally very interested in the relation of men and women and does, I believe, have an innocent boyfriend/girlfriend relationship at school: my spies tell me that they may have tried to kiss, but certainly haven't gone any further than that and it will no doubt be some years yet before he does.

He would never make a rape joke, as he is a) quite old enough to know what rape is b) not a nasty enough person to think that is a good or funny thing

But a few years ago he might have done, that is, he might have repeated something he heard from another child without realising what it meant.

i think you need to phone the school first thing and speak to someone senior and air your concerns. to me it is in no way 'normal' or 'ok' or just silly behaviour for children of that age to be joking about rape. someone or something has brought that influence in and it needs dealing with by the school. it could create a hostile environment for girls, it could be encouraging dodgy attitudes in young minds and it is a really serious issue that the school should be aware of and address.

did you read the recent survey (can't remember the name) about the number of girls who were being sexually assaulted in schools and the number of young people who believe that rape is ok in certain circumstances and hitting your partner can be justified etc? schools are meant to be tackling this stuff and of course it begins early and the evidence is quite clear that it doesn't go away or get grown out of but develops into sexual assaulting behaviour towards female students and let's face it the adult rapists start somewhere don't they?

i really, really think you need to report to the school as well as talking to your son yourself. this needs to be dealt with head on. this has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with abuse and the development of dangerous attitudes that run through our society and seem to be on the increase by the looks of the research.

(i'm not saying your son will grow into a rapist btw!!! but i am saying that these attitudes and influences are the breeding ground for abusive school environments for girls and onwards into adult society)

curious to know what you've done about this. update?