3 year old sleeping in our bed

[britflick]

I'm sure some of you must have experienced this one. My 3 year old son will not sleeping his own room, so spends every night in our bed. I can't remember the last time any of us had a good night's sleep. One of us normally ends up on the sofa and the other is kicked in the back, pushed out of bed and duvet deprived all night.
DS has a lovely room, night lights etc but he just wants to be with us.
Any tactics for successfully getting him in his own bed much appreciated!

It's important that you explain to him that he is going to sleep in his own bed. You still love him but there isn't enough room for all of you in the bed. He will need some incentives stickers or promise of new toy etc. He should have a predictable bed time routine and you can use the gradual retreat method where you sit with him and gradually move out of his room (little by little) You will have to firm and consistant and not let him in your bed even at 3am! Good luck

DS wants this. I'm wholly unprepared to accept it, as I can't sleep if he's there, and after almost 2 horrific years co-sleeping until he was emotionally well able to sleep alone, I feel I've done my bit. No need to die in a ditch over parenting if it just isn't you, and tbh I value the time with my DH, alone, as well. I love my son more than life, but I want some time to myself, and alone with my husband, too.

I gently but firmly explain that we're just next door, that he has a light and a teddy and we come when he needs us, but that he sleeps in his bed and I sleep in my bed with Daddy, and am firm. He knows I mean business and after a hard night now and then where he tries to argue, he's usually very good.

It was quite funny - he thought a minute the other week and then said, "we need to find someone else for Daddy to sleep with, then we'd all be happy...".

I'm with perfectstorm. We're there for our children 24/7 but everyone needs a little privacy and time to themselves. Disturbed sleep is just horrible and it must be worse when it affects the whole family. Make it really clear that he's a big boy now - big enough to sleep in his own bed - and that if he turns up in the middle of night he'll be taken straight back. Use incentives and rewards if you think they'll work. Be tough about it.

My DH doesn't fidget very much or try and stick his head or feet on my chest/stomach/head like my DD does if I allow her into our bed to sleep!!

I think co-sleeping is a lovely idea in theory (and I did it with DD as a tiny baby) but when it's causing more nocturnal disturbance for everyone than it's solving, it's time to make a change.

Supernanny does a gradual retreat thing for co-sleepers who want their child to stay in their own bed/cot. It's called "the separation technique". It usually takes a couple of weeks to work, but it can be very effective (and doesn't involve leaving a child to cry on their own).

That's great for you, birds. I'm glad your parenting strategies suit you and your family. Personally, I find it impossible to sleep well with my son in my bed because I can't sleep deeply; I'm aware of his least murmur and sigh. It's not in the least restful. I don't have that kind of bond with my husband, because I didn't attachment parent him. Nor does my husband turn himself side-on and kick me rhythmically in the kidneys as a settling routine, when half-asleep. And given we have a superkingsize bed I'm not sure how we could improve on that situation. (My son now turns side-on and kicks the side of his bed, without the bed suffering in any way.)

As someone who co-slept for two years, the past year now we've stopped has been bliss. I can finally get more than 2 hours uninterrupted.

I guess different parenting suits different people. I'm a far better parent when not utterly exhausted - being woken once or twice in the night for a cuddle or some water is fine, if I can then return to my own bed and fall straight back into a deep sleep.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I think we'll just have to bite the bullet and try the supernanny method. It's hard when he literally hammers on his door for up to an hour at three in the morning though; I suppose if we're consistent he'll finally get it.

I should say that when we were making the transition, if he woke upset I would simply get into his bed with him until he fell asleep, and then retreat to my own. It never took more than 10 minutes. (Sorry, that would have been the useful tip, wouldn't it?) I stopped doing that once it was established that he slept in his bed at night - that's when the being firm came in. Now I just tuck him in and say sleep well, Mama is just next door darling & etc. and 99% of the time he accepts that.

I also found it all easier after he'd dropped the daytime nap, because he was so tired at bedtime that a bath, 3 stories and he'd be asleep. If he wasn't knackered, getting him to drift off in his own bed was tough because he wasn't used to it, or willing to become so.

Try to focus on what a better parent you are when not so tired? It's not in a toddler's best interests to have a parent on a short fuse, who isn't responsive because they have eyes propped on matchsticks. That helped and does help my resolve at 3 am!