Do you think we (parents these days) tend to overpraise? and should we be more truthful?

[NotMostPeople]

I know the Tiger mother documentary has been done, but one thing from it that struck me was how a lot of the mothers were more truthful with their dc's then most of the mothers I know are.

The other day Ds aged 9 told me that he'd done well in his spellings as he'd got 12 out of 15 I responded by saying that I would call that doing well. DS was shocked, he's used to me praising all effort so I simply said that we'd practised the spellings lots and he'd been getting them all right, so I didn't think that he should have got any wrong. This week he didn't get any wrong.

Now I'm not suggesting that I go too far the other way and stop all praise, especially praise for effort, but I do wonder if 'we' tend to overdo it. Any thoughts? I just wonder if a bit more truth might not get better results and equip them for life in the real world.

Well, if you know he was capable of geting all 15 right, then I think you're right not to praise him for getting 12/15. OTOH if he'd only managed 10 or 12 right in practice, then managed 12 on the day, then that would be worth praising.

So I think it depends on a lot of factors - there certainly isn't any benefit in praising children for doing less than they are capable of, unless there was something else going on they had to overcome.

There is a school of thought which says too much unfocused praise can actually be more demoralising than helpful to children.

Apparently, it's better to focus on something specific rather than just say "well done" etc.

Something like "12 out of 15, that's almost all of them you remembered! And look, you got x and y which you had trouble with when we practiced them."

I don't think there's such a thing as too much encouragement - they need all the confidence they can get. :) On the other hand, there does come a point where the child realises they could have done better or put in more effort and knee-jerk fulsome praise from Mum starts to sound a bit fake and patronising. At my DS's primary they had a great system where the child could rate themselves on work they'd done with a smiley or frowny face at the end and a short comment. It was amazing how honest they were with themselves.

So that's my take. Plenty of encouragement for stuff you know they find difficult. Praise where praise is due. And flip it around sometimes and ask 'are you proud of that or could it have been better?'... self-evaluation & self-motivation are very 'real world' life-skills

Hmm, am fence sitting on this one.

One thing I remember was coming home from college and saying, "Mum, I got 98% in my exam" and Mum (jokily) replying, "What happened to the other 2%?".

At the time I laughed about it, but I later came to realise that it was an indication of her parenting, she was often like that in my childhood. I never thought it affected me, but it definitely did affect my brother.

So, yes. Praise where praise is due. But also, if the child has worked hard and despite the work not achieved great marks, a "Well done for applying yourself" is appropriate.

I would do positive criticism on that.
I would say "well done for getting 12 out of 15, but I think you could have got more than that because of how much we practised."
so 5/5 for effort and 3/5 for attainment.

Yes, IC. That is what I try to do.

Not, "oh, what a pretty picture", but "I like the clouds, they look really fluffy, as if I could touch them".

I think there's a huge difference between praising achievement and praising effort. I see lots of the former and not enough of the latter.

I'm honest with dd, I value honesty and trust very highly and dd knows this. So when she got 29/30 right in her spellings I told her well done, that's great but what was the one you got wrong? She said what it was and that she hadn't listened properly to the teacher. So then she got praise as well for being truthful :)

I wouldn't have praised my DS either if he had got them all right in practising - in fact has happened with us. My DS was also shocked! I do try to make it constructive though and ask which ones he got wrong and why and then discuss how he could get it right next time.

I agree about the unfocussed praise being unhelpful. It ends up being just noise and not meaning very much. Find something to praise if overall it isn't great but also be honest in a kind way about what wasn't so great.

I think you also need to take into account that different children react differently to praise. My DS1 loves praise and is crushed by ill worded criticism and sometimes even honest and helpful criticism. It kills his motivation and he starts talking about giving up and not bothering next time. DS2 on the other hand is a lot like me. He isn't bothered about praise, accepts it, doesn't want a big fuss but challenge him over what went wrong and what he could do better next time and he is motivated. Nobody likes unkind or unthinking criticism though so it is a fine line to tread.

But overall, yes I do think there is more praise now, perhaps when it wasn't justified. There definitely seems to be more of it around in the parents who wrap their children up in cotton wool and want to protect them from real life generally.

Yes I think some parents do these days and some children grow up thinking everything they do is wonderful and are completely traumatised when they get out into the real world and not whole heartedly praised fro everything they do.

My 7 year old DS really struggles with spellings so I do try to be as postive as possible about what he has achieved. If he got 12 out of 15 I would say that hs hard work had obviously paid off and maybe next week if he worked a little bit harder he may even get all of them right.

I was brought up to highly critical parents. I remember getting 97% in my O Level mock (showing my age!!) and instead of being congratulated by my father was asked 'do you know how you lost the 3%??'. n adult hood I never feel anything I do is ever good enough and was a real perfectionist and sometimes you really can't be.

I realised this when toddler DS started stringing words together. If we were out and about and saw a coach, he'd say something like, "Mummy, it's a bus!" and I'd respond with, "Well spotted!". Then he'd frown a bit and say, "No, not bus. Coach." He knew he'd got it wrong first time round and corrected himself and I looked stupid for giving him praise for getting something not quite right.

From that, I think everyone, including children, knows when they haven't worked as hard as they could/should have done and when they could have done better. If a child really thinks that a mediocre job deserves lots of praise then I would wonder just how much they have been conditioned to have low expectations of themselves through excessive parental praise. Every child is different though and what's mediocre for one child would be a stellar performance worthy of ice cream for another.

I believe there have been studies which show most children react better to positive comments to their achievements (or lack of achievements) than criticism, especially if the errors they have made are pointed out in a tactful light.

eg for handwriting: "Oh look, you almost closed up your 'o's, didn't you? And the tails on the 'p's are almost long enough now!" etc.

I believe there's stuff about it in the How To Talk.... book.....

All interesting comments, I'm going to adjust the way I feedback from now on. I think whilst I try to give relevant praise and not just 'mmm lovely' type comments I probably have been overdoing it.