Safest way to co-sleep?

[Thirstysomething]

Confused about the advice I have been given on co-sleeping, can anyone help me? Either your own experiences or where to find the best advice?
I didn't co-sleep with DDs 1 and 2, but it seems to be the only way I can get any sleep with DS, it is extraordinary. If I feed him in bed then put him down he is rigid and screaming as if he is starving/in serious pain ( despite trying hours of winding as well as putting him straight down, we have tried everything). If I feed him in bed on the other hand he drops off to sleep straight away without burping and often gives me five straight hours... Heaven. But am slightly terrified of all the suffocating baby stories, so really need advice. Thanks!

Sorry, I meant "if I feed him in bed then put him down in his own cot he screams..."

I have a DS just like yours I get much more sleep when he's next to me then when I try to make him stay in his cot.

I've just been looking for the unicef advice sheet which i think is generally considered the best one, but I can't find it. I'm sure someone will be along with a link soon. There is mumsnet advice here and KellyMom advice here though. Hopefully that will help.

In our house we have a three sided cot next to our bed, so he tends to sleep half the night in that and half the night curled up next to me. It also acts as a kind of 'extension' to our bed so I'm never worried he's going to fall out iyswim. I only let myself fall asleep if he's on the 'outside' (not between DP and I) so if I know I'm super tired then I only feed on that side. If I'm feeling okay then I feed him in between us, then roll him over me back to the outside before I fall asleep. I'll be honest and say I've rolled onto him once, but I woke up immediately. Apparently it's impossible for a breastfeeding mum to properly roll onto her baby as you're so in tune with each other.

Sorry issima, I didn't for one second mean that ff babies have less of a bond with mum and I'm very sorry if it came out that way (reading back, I can see that it could) I meant it to reassure the OP not to offend anyone else.

OP, I think the 'sleeping in the middle' thing will depend in the size & age of your child & how deeply your partner sleeps. We couldn't have done it in the early days but could probably get away with it now LO is bigger. Guidelines are definitely that LO should be outside on mum's side though.

We're less cautious now as DD is nearly one. Early on we had our pillows folded in half so they were smaller and moved them down the bed. DD went where the pillows would normally go in between us and one of us would have our hands on her. That way we couldn't roll on her and we would have to pull the cover over our own heads before it went over hers. With every month we became less cautious, but I was pretty strict about alcohol consumption and neither of us takes medication. I think the safest is if you can sleep without covers or with just a sheet and wear lots of clothes, but DD was born in January so we didn't do that.

"Baby on the mother's side" seems to be a universally accepted truth, but the only things I've read to support it are qualitative studies where mothers say "I'd never role on my child" and fathers say "I worry I might roll on my child."

Thanks, the Professors q&a really interesting, although one thing he said about bed sharing being less dangerous after 3 months old made me think I might try and keep him in his crib as much as possible for now... Unless I am really desperate :)

Both mine slept some of the time in the middle of us, I would feed asleep lying down, so they were just on the side of whatever boob they had just had.

I found I made myself into a C shape around them and never moved all night no matter how uncomfortable I was, if fact I remember both of them getting to 10 months ish and deciding they were old enough for me to turn over at night independently of them and how blissful that felt.

Both slept in grobags under our duvet too.

We used to have our daughter sleeping in her 'sleep positioner' between us in our bed.

The "primary carer" is the one who is most aware of the baby's position in the bed - so if Dad is the primary carer, he will be just as aware of the baby's whereabouts in the bed as Mum (provided no alcohol, drugs etc.) Of course, in the vast majority of cases Mum is the primary carer (however the baby is fed) hence why it's almost always safer to have the baby on Mum's side.

A good compromise that we adopted was to use a baby nest like this and put it on the bed beside me so DD had some separation, but was still right beside us. As time went on, I was even able to BF her without lifting her out. She was either swaddled or in a sleeping bag which meant, once the newborn overnight nappy changes were no longer necessary, there was no faffing about with bedclothes.

At other times, I would latch DD on (if all else failed) and have her next to me in the bed, but she was in her sleeping bag on top of the duvet and I wore pyjamas that buttoned down the front so I wouldn't get cold. That worked quite well too (although I would dream I was being nibbled all the time!!)

When DD2 was tiny I generally slept with her lying on my arm/snuggled in my armpit - I would bf like this, then just move her a little bit away from me. If she was between me and DH then my arm being there meant DH couldn't roll onto her, nor his covers fall on her. I did worry about her being too close to DH as he's quite a deep sleeper and doesn't wake properly in the night, so kept my arm there for safety. Now she's a fat 8 month old I'm less worried (plus her head on my arm is heavy and gives me a dead arm!) so I don't feel the need to make a barrier.

To make sure the bedclothes didn't go over her, I put my head right on the edge of my pillow, I wear a vest (which I can pull down to bf) with unbuttoned, long-sleeve PJs on top, and sometimes a cardigan too if it's very cold, then had the duvet only up to my waist, and a thin blanket on top if I needed it. Oh yes, it's a sexy look . DD wears a grobag.

for me, I think a small baby needs its mummy in those early days/months and so co sleeping is really important. Theres no perfect way to do it, just make sure there is no heavy duvet and that you are not a heavy sleeper/on drugs/drinking/excessively exhausted. I co sleep with my dd, we love it, she boobs during the nite and I get a good amount of sleep and am not experiencing the sleep deprivation I had with my ds 3 years ago. I tuck my arm under the pillow, make a C shape with my body towards her and make sure boob is in access, she feeds and i drop back off to sleep. when she's had enough she pulls off and turns her head away to sleep. Its so lovely and im gona miss it so much when we stop :(

you wont suffocate baby inshaallah. bf mums are def in tune with their babies when co sleeping. your senses are very highly wired to him so just enjoy it and relax. Its meant to be this way (co sleeping) so that you dont get sleep deprived and that the baby feels secure as its near its mother.

If you are breastfeeding, and you aren't drinking/smoking/taking drugs then the chances of you suffocating your baby are pretty minimal. I believe all the cases of babies being smothered are either where drugs or alcohol were involved or the person sleeping with the baby wasn't the breastfeeding mother.

Just be sensible about keeping duvets and pillows out of the way and making the bed safe so the baby can't fall out of roll down the side. Make sure you are the only person sleeping next to the baby (not the father or older siblings).

We co slept for first 4 months. I have DS on my left and curl around him he was usually in crook of arm and liked using my arm as pillow. Would tuck duvet around me so it didn't fo over his gro bag as he gets hot easily. I never put him in middle as DH is heavy sleeper. To start with had moses basket right next to be and would sometimes transfer baby during night and now have crib there so he can't fall out of bed but he sleeps mainy in crib now till 5ish when I bring him into bed to squeeze another hour or so of sleep out of him. Havn't found getting him to sleep in crib to hard either.