should i leave dds (4 and 1) to get on with it or keep stepping in (rough play)

[familyfun]

dd1 is 4.6 and a quiet placid child who lets others take off her and cries/walks away.
dd2 14 months is quite placid at play groups but snatches off her sister and climbs up her, pinches her, pulls her hair, scratches her and generally rolls all over her giggling happily.
when left to play together dd2 flattens dd1 and climbs all over till dd1 shouts me and starts to cry and i go and detach dd2. after 3 times i put her in the travel cot till she calms down.
i planned to let them sort things out themselves within reason and remind dd1 to be gentle but its the other way round and its not fair on dd1 being hurt.
dd1 weighs 34lb, and dd2 weighs 20lb so dd2 is a more stocky child.

With 3 boys in 5 years, we always said that we would step back until there was blood - and we have pretty much. Animal instinct, pecking order and all that - they need to find their balance, they will quickly learn acceptable 'play' boundaries. It won't always go to plan, but I don't think keep stepping in helps long term. You won't always be there to sort out their differences!!

It's not just 'rough play' if one of your children is constantly being hurt though. I know 1 is little but it's old enough to understand No. I'd be stepping in until the message gets through, or you're going to end up with a 2 year old, 3 year old, 4 year old child who still thinks it's OK to hurt her sister and a sister who takes it for granted that she will be hurt.

If they were both doing it I'd probably agree with conorsrockers.

I think you need to step in more often. If it was the other way around I think you'd be down on the eldest like a ton of bricks. Because 'the baby' is the aggressor you're holding back.... and I don't think that's right at all. Being a toddler is no excuse for being a thug. Your eldest will start to think that she is less important than the baby and her feelings don't count. Your youngest will think it's Ok to roughhouse older children.... and then you'll have problems at school. Don't tolerate bad behaviour.

Mine are similar ages and I do step in. Otherwise the little one thinks it's hilarious to get a big reaction from the elder one, whose games and constructions are constantly being destroyed. When the littlest one is able to reason verbally I'll step back but until then I will be arbiter.

thank you, yes if the older one was rough id step in but dd1 is gentle and loving to her sister. im certainly not going to let dd1 get hurt but sort of thought she would stand up for herslef a bit but she doesnt.
no i dont want dd2 to be a little thug, she loves her big sister, ,misses her all day when she is at school and then likes to roll all over her but doesnt know when to stop, she is only 14 months.
i will step in until dd2 gets gentleer and maybe dd1 gets tougher

All 'stand up for yourself' and 'get tougher' means is 'retalliate'. A 4 yo, even a gentle one, will eventually retalliate given enough provocation and then they'll get it in the neck for being nasty to a little baby. They really can't win and they don't have the skills to judge what is appropriate. That's why you have to act as policeman and keep the toddler under control... not expect them to 'man up'.

i dont want dd1 to retaliate and so far to her credit she never has, i always say no to dd2 and detach her, then as i said i put her in the travel cot to calm down as its over excitement.
i do think dd1 needs to toughen up a bit, she cries when dd2 takes a toy off her, i dont want her to start beating up her baby sister and being rough but she needs to look after herself a bit more without shouting me every time anything happens, im just trying to find the balance and help her find a balance too.